Archive for the ‘Ridiculous’ Category

The Army Is Forming

October 22, 2008

Last night, Sarah Palin was interviewed by Drew Griffin of CNN. According to her, Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher [doesn’t that sound like a wrestler from 1972?] is representing so many people, including “…Jane the engineer and¬†Molly the dental hygienist and Chuck the teacher”.

I don’t know about anyone else, but John the media planner thinks that Sarah Palin’s little army is starting to look alarmingly like the Verizon network people.¬†

Joe, Jane, Molly, Chuck et al

Joe, Jane, Molly, Chuck et al

See the video here or read the article here.

Risque Adventures

October 22, 2008

Last Friday night, I ended up at a burlesque bar down on the lower east side. I don’t remember how we got there, but I’m like, 100% confident it was all my doing.

I’ve never been to a burlesque show, but walking in all I could think was “I’ve been to strip clubs, and I’ve seen plenty of drag shows. This’ll be cake”. You guys, those are totally famous last words. Because if you say something along the lines of how easy a certain task will be, it will so turn out to be a shit show in the end. And if you say something along those lines while going to something like a burlesque bar, then you’re just gonna get all types of mentally F’d in the A.

It started off simple enough, with a topless woman swaying to a song for about 6 minutes. Standard for the course, I’d say. Then an androgynous looking woman got up on stage in short shorts and a small, tight tube top and just danced for what seemed like 20 minutes. This would have grown boring real fast, if it weren’t for the man in the thong wearing a vest, a fez and monkey ears, hopping around the bar and picking fleas out of people’s hair. He added that interesting, artistic touch the performance so desperately craved.

Between acts, this guy dressed as an angelcupid…in a diaper would just talk to the crowd. About what I have not a clue, because it was too difficult to pay attention due to the fact that there was a 34 year old wasted baby on stage, but he kept most people engaged.

After a couple hours [yes, I was there that long] I got comfortable. Inter-kids, word of warning. Never EVER get comfortable at a burlesque bar.

This woman in a long, red dress walked up on stage with a wine or champagne bottle in her hand. Music started playing, and she stood there swaying back and forth to the beat. The more she got into the song, the more she got out of her clothes, until she was holding the bottle in one hand and just casually danced to the music while being all types of naked. If it weren’t for the nudity, she could be that lady who dances at the GAP while looking at v-neck sweaters.

However, all fantasies of dancing GAP lady exploded all over the place when the lady took the narrow part of the bottle and put it all up into her vagina house for a visit. Then, with the other hand, she began knocking at her own front door.

This lasted all of 4 seconds, and then her set ended. People clapped and began chatting with their friends and I began picking up the ruined pieces of all that is good and decent in my world. Not because I was offended or anything, but rather because I had not expected anything close to this to happen in my presence. The only comparison I can think of is you’re heading out to the post office and, I don’t know, a lady shoves a wine bottle all up in her business instead. Something like that.

What I wonder about now, though, is something far more worrying. What happens to the bottle? It was totally full, so was it thrown away? Or was she totally thinking something like “This pinot noir will be so tasty with some pasta” and just put it up on her fridge? Will she share it with friends? And if so, as the night begins and the bottle is opened, does the conversation start with “Here’s a funny story…”

Madonna Demands Your Respect

October 14, 2008

Sunday night I went to the Madonna concert at Madison Square Garden. And now I’m wondering who Madge has as friends, and why none of them told her she was 50 years old. Because I saw a lot of 50 year old lady running around in underwear with jump ropes. It was surreal.

Dancing on her chair

Dancing on her chair

That being said, the concert was pretty outrageous. Everything, from the dances to the costume changes, the special effects to the remixes [this one was amazing], was on point. The whole thing was pretty awesome. Until Madonna got all “wannabe deity” all over our asses.

Toward the last part of the concert, Madonna started this sing-a-long with the audience. Apparently, it was some song off of a previous album, but hell if most of the crowd knew that. Those who knew the song sang along, while those who didn’t just jumped around. This did not please The Madonna.

She started yelling at us! She told us we fucked things up, and how couldn’t we know the song?! We were such mother fuckers! Then she noticed that some people were sitting down. Sitting down? In front of The Madonna?! She asked them “Why are you sitting? Are you friends of Sarah Palin? Are you republicans? Stand up and show some respect!”

First off. Wow. Easy with the ‘tude, lady.

Secondly, I dislike Sarah Palin as much as the next rational person, but I hardly think that Sarah Palin supporters the nation over have decided to stand up and let their voices be heard by remaining seated during “Give It 2 Me”. Although, the Republican party really hasn’t done anything that could be considered more effective…maybe this could be a good path for them.

A little while later, she started yelling “This is what Sarah Palin’s husband’s snowmobile sounds like when it won’t start”, and then the music started to get choppy. And no, I have no idea what the hell that means.

After these divalicious moments, I expected Madonna to end her show my falling to her knees and screaming “Pray to me! PRAY TO ME!” but had to settle with “Like A Prayer”. But really, it’s only a matter of time till we’re worshipping The Madonna. One way, or another. Let’s be for real with one another on this one.

Are You Peeing Right Now?

October 9, 2008

David Blaine recently hung upside down for like, 3 days or something in Central Park, just a few blocks away from my office. And I’ll be honest with you, I really couldn’t care less. Some of his other stunts, like living in ice or underwater [like someone else I know], were so much cooler than this.

However, I don’t care what the subject is, where it’s taking place, or who ends up on the receiving end of the punchline. Any video with Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog, wins me over immediately.

If you have 11 minutes to spare, and don’t care if you end up embarrassing yourself with that type of laugh that takes away your breathe and makes you snort and turn red while at the office, then click here to watch Triumph mock a horde of Star Wars fans.

Katie Couric Is A National Hero

October 2, 2008

Can we talk about something here? Not the ridiculousness that is Sarah Palin’s VP nomination, or the idiocy that is the words that fly from her lips before verbally shitting all over my face. Not Joe Biden’s insanely well thought out responses, or his unfortunate hair situation.

No, let’s talk about Katie. And how AMAZING she is at representing her country on the front lines! Because I can tell you, if I had to do her job and sit in front of Sarah Palin and suffer this torture, I would die. I would be swallowing thumb tacks and asking husky men to gut punch me. I don’t know how she does it, but I’m damn proud of her for doing it so well.

That being said, watch the clip above. At about the :12 mark, Katie orgasms hard, but contains it pretty well. I’m guessing that having one of her questions actually answered just nailed her right in the g-spot. You can see her try to contain the pleasure that just washes over her face.

Compare to the 2:20 mark, where Katie tries to make Sarah Palin’s head explode using only the powers of her mind. Incredible.

Get ready for even more candidate fun tonight at the debate! It’s going to be freakin’ AWESOME!