Learning & Reaffirming

What I learned this past week…

  • Wheat bread is gross, and it is totally worth the extra calories and early death to have white bread so you can make some REAL peanut butter toast and not this cardboardy wheat shit.
  • While you may be initially sad that no one is searching for you in the Missed Connections portion of craigslist, you’ll soon become overjoyed knowing that this man [dressed in a bright magenta shirt, lime green bow tie and bobby socks] isn’t looking for you and/or building homages to your face out of what looks like pizza, sour cream, guacamole and dryer lint.
  • If you decide that you want McDonald’s for lunch one day, specifically their chicken nuggets, you should do two things. First, don’t buy the 10 piece meal, because that is a rip off and you’re better than that. Buy two or three 4 piece nuggets at $1 each, then a medium fry, then get water or a free soda from one of the meeting rooms in your office. You will save money. Second, don’t look at this because you will remember the gruesome story it tells shortly after eating aforementioned chicken nuggets.
  • If you give a homeless person any semblance of privacy in what is considered to be a public space, you can expect 60% of the time the result will end in masturbation.

What was reaffirmed this past week…

  • I am lazy to the point that it’s a disability, which would be fine if it weren’t for the lack of federally funded benefits.
  • The Cold Buster from Jamba Juice will cure you of anything. You could have a bad case of the sneezes, erectile dysfunction and a bout of leprosy and this thing will make you feel like Jesus just tongue kissed you and gave you $5.
  • The Golden Girls will never go out of style, thus cementing the future of the Lifetime Channel.
  • Mario Kart Wii tells me there is a heaven, and in every question mark box will be a magic bullet that takes you to first place. Every time.
  • No one will come up to you at your job and say “Do you want more money?” because that’s just asinine. If you want to get a better apartment, nicer clothes, a helper monkey or what have you, then waiting won’t work. Try drinking more Jamba Juice.

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