Archive for January, 2009

I’d Kill To Be Able To Eat A Hot Wing Right Now

January 30, 2009

I never get sick enough that I need to call out from work, but this week has been more time at home rather than in the office. And it’s not nearly as fun as it was when I was in high school and my mom would baby me back to full health.

Being a genuinely horrible adult, I have no doctor of any kind in NYC. I’ve lived here almost 2 years now, and I’ve not even bothered checking what my insurance offers me, never mind setting up an appointment for a general health physician. For all I know, the coverage offered me is comprised of hugs and travel sized bottles of Advil, partnered with a monstrous co-pay. Why? Because I’m a horrible, horrible adult.

So Monday night I went on to WebMD and input my symptoms. After they told me through several caution notices that I should go and seek emergency medical attention, they told me my diagnosis…


So according to WebMD, I have either strep throat, thyroid cancer, the scarlet fever [?] or a cold. I guess it’s always nice to have options.

Also, can we take a moment and notice that one of the possible symptoms is “Involuntary head turning or twisting”?!


That’s fucked up.

So after things started to get worse, I finally decided to find a doctor and perhaps pay a visit. Which I did. And lo, I have strep throat. Which was, surprise surprise, a delight to hear, because for days I was concerned Lucifer had taken up residence in my body and was going to force me to spew all the soup I’d been eating all over my room, right after giving me a wicked sore throat and a case of the grumpies.

I’m on antibiotics now, 3rd day of 5 of the infamous Z-Pack. And I still feel like shit. My goal is to get better by Sunday so I can swallow solid foods and attend my friend Andrea’s Superbowl party, which is one of the pinnacles of my culinary calendar. And if I can’t make that, most likely I’ll be in my bedroom with my head involuntarily turning and twisting. Kick ass.

Someone Has A Case Of The Grumples

January 26, 2009

What I love about this video is not only how RIDICULOUS this man is being over a football game, but how insane all his other friends are! Notice the girl go from zero to batshit bonkers in 5 seconds over how she’s just as big a Giants fan because of her tattoo, then she starts berating him asking “Where’s YOUR tattoo?!”

If it wasn’t for Mr. Reality at the end of the video, I think this Giants fan would still be bawling.

via Molls, my new obsession


January 26, 2009

I’ve watched this video about 5 times in a row now, and I’m still fascinated with it. It’s amazing to me how the chocolate bunny has such a cheerful face, and then, when placed into a situation of certain death, that same happy-go-lucky demeanor all the sudden turns into a look of sheer terror. With those little white eyes bugging out while a delicious, melty death slowly comes? And it’s little mouth twisted in a scream of torment and horror? And to top it off with such an awesomely haunting song just makes this the best Easter snuff film of all time.

Holler at some early morning Monday morbidity!

via Buzzfeed

Officially Obsessed With The UK

January 26, 2009

And if you sit back for just a moment and think of all the things you love, you’ll realize it as well. They’ve been giving us quality comedy forever now, and I could probably link to dozens of things from Absolutely Fabulous, the British Office, Little Britain…but you all have mad youtubing skills, I’m sure, and I just don’t want to waste the energy on getting all those URLs. So you can search for those clips. Happy hunting.

But this! This is just a sack full of awesome being dropped on your doorstep. Fair warning: trying to replicate these moves with your own eyebrows may or may not give you a little headache and also make you look like a damned fool.

via Buzzfeed

Buh-Buh-Bye, George!

January 26, 2009

Cute kids doing funny things is by far one of the greatest thing to happen to the internet. I could waste hours just watching babies laugh on YouTube. Hours.

If I ever have kids, I’m going to do this exact same thing and just teach them the funniest shit to say. I will be entertained for years, which is probably the perfect reason to get a kid in the first place.

The Internets, They’ve Been Good To Us

January 26, 2009

I kept trying to figure out which video to share with you guys today. I didn’t want to post all of them because that would make it seem like I have no self control and just go posting things willy nilly. Then I realized that willy nilly is the way to go and that someone who would say otherwise is just a hater, and besides it’s my blog, so willy nilly it is!

Basically I’m telling you there’s going to be like, minutes upon minutes of pure video gold posted up here, and you will just laugh and laugh at all the awesomeness that the Internet bequeeths unto us all. Enjoy!

Learning & Reaffirming

January 21, 2009

What I learned this past week…

  • Wheat bread is gross, and it is totally worth the extra calories and early death to have white bread so you can make some REAL peanut butter toast and not this cardboardy wheat shit.
  • While you may be initially sad that no one is searching for you in the Missed Connections portion of craigslist, you’ll soon become overjoyed knowing that this man [dressed in a bright magenta shirt, lime green bow tie and bobby socks] isn’t looking for you and/or building homages to your face out of what looks like pizza, sour cream, guacamole and dryer lint.
  • If you decide that you want McDonald’s for lunch one day, specifically their chicken nuggets, you should do two things. First, don’t buy the 10 piece meal, because that is a rip off and you’re better than that. Buy two or three 4 piece nuggets at $1 each, then a medium fry, then get water or a free soda from one of the meeting rooms in your office. You will save money. Second, don’t look at this because you will remember the gruesome story it tells shortly after eating aforementioned chicken nuggets.
  • If you give a homeless person any semblance of privacy in what is considered to be a public space, you can expect 60% of the time the result will end in masturbation.

What was reaffirmed this past week…

  • I am lazy to the point that it’s a disability, which would be fine if it weren’t for the lack of federally funded benefits.
  • The Cold Buster from Jamba Juice will cure you of anything. You could have a bad case of the sneezes, erectile dysfunction and a bout of leprosy and this thing will make you feel like Jesus just tongue kissed you and gave you $5.
  • The Golden Girls will never go out of style, thus cementing the future of the Lifetime Channel.
  • Mario Kart Wii tells me there is a heaven, and in every question mark box will be a magic bullet that takes you to first place. Every time.
  • No one will come up to you at your job and say “Do you want more money?” because that’s just asinine. If you want to get a better apartment, nicer clothes, a helper monkey or what have you, then waiting won’t work. Try drinking more Jamba Juice.

Not Contextually Relevant

January 20, 2009

Right now, you can watch the inauguration activities live through Hulu. And it couldn’t make MORE sense to have the upcoming Kevin James film, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, sponsor this momentous event.


That’s not odd. That’s not odd at all.

In related news, if for whatever reason you’re the only person on Earth not watching some sort of news program or live feed [or are reading this blog instead…because why WOULDN’T you?!], go here┬áto find out if Barack Obama is president yet.

Today’s The Day

January 20, 2009

On November 4th, I attended an election party hosted by The Washington Post. There was a lot of fun to be had there, but the thing that [obviously] sticks out for me is the announcement that Barack Obama would be the next President of the United States of America.

While watching his acceptance speech, my friends and I stood there, arms wrapped around each others shoulders, crying out of happiness. Years from now, when my kids ask about this election for a school project, I hope that I’ll have found a way to convey into words the overwhelming volume of emotions that I experienced that night. Because even now, two months later, I can’t accurately describe the feeling of sharing that joy and excitement with so many people.

Today, Barack Obama officially becomes the 44th President of our country. I like to think that, when I’m old and gray, I can say with a smile that way back on January 20th of 2009, that’s the day when everything changed. When for the first time in my adult life, I felt confident in where we were going as a nation. When we, as a country, took a monumental step towards achieving a better life, a truer liberty and a total happiness.

I’m proud of this day.


You Suck, Nature

January 17, 2009


It’s 16 degrees outside right now. It was 9 degrees when I woke up. I’m under all the blankets I have in my room right now and I CAN STILL FEEL THE COLD. I’m about to go do laundry, even though the most idiotic thing I could do right now is leave the house.

This weather is strongly making me reconsider my personal hygiene standards. I mean, who needs clean clothes?