Last Friday night, I ended up at a burlesque bar down on the lower east side. I don’t remember how we got there, but I’m like, 100% confident it was all my doing.
I’ve never been to a burlesque show, but walking in all I could think was “I’ve been to strip clubs, and I’ve seen plenty of drag shows. This’ll be cake”. You guys, those are totally famous last words. Because if you say something along the lines of how easy a certain task will be, it will so turn out to be a shit show in the end. And if you say something along those lines while going to something like a burlesque bar, then you’re just gonna get all types of mentally F’d in the A.
It started off simple enough, with a topless woman swaying to a song for about 6 minutes. Standard for the course, I’d say. Then an androgynous looking woman got up on stage in short shorts and a small, tight tube top and just danced for what seemed like 20 minutes. This would have grown boring real fast, if it weren’t for the man in the thong wearing a vest, a fez and monkey ears, hopping around the bar and picking fleas out of people’s hair. He added that interesting, artistic touch the performance so desperately craved.
Between acts, this guy dressed as an angel…cupid…in a diaper would just talk to the crowd. About what I have not a clue, because it was too difficult to pay attention due to the fact that there was a 34 year old wasted baby on stage, but he kept most people engaged.
After a couple hours [yes, I was there that long] I got comfortable. Inter-kids, word of warning. Never EVER get comfortable at a burlesque bar.
This woman in a long, red dress walked up on stage with a wine or champagne bottle in her hand. Music started playing, and she stood there swaying back and forth to the beat. The more she got into the song, the more she got out of her clothes, until she was holding the bottle in one hand and just casually danced to the music while being all types of naked. If it weren’t for the nudity, she could be that lady who dances at the GAP while looking at v-neck sweaters.
However, all fantasies of dancing GAP lady exploded all over the place when the lady took the narrow part of the bottle and put it all up into her vagina house for a visit. Then, with the other hand, she began knocking at her own front door.
This lasted all of 4 seconds, and then her set ended. People clapped and began chatting with their friends and I began picking up the ruined pieces of all that is good and decent in my world. Not because I was offended or anything, but rather because I had not expected anything close to this to happen in my presence. The only comparison I can think of is you’re heading out to the post office and, I don’t know, a lady shoves a wine bottle all up in her business instead. Something like that.
What I wonder about now, though, is something far more worrying. What happens to the bottle? It was totally full, so was it thrown away? Or was she totally thinking something like “This pinot noir will be so tasty with some pasta” and just put it up on her fridge? Will she share it with friends? And if so, as the night begins and the bottle is opened, does the conversation start with “Here’s a funny story…”