Let me start off by saying I am so extremely pissed that this is now something that is scored.
That being said, I’m on the board!
Because of all the renovations in my building, my floor right now is left with just one handicapped bathroom. I’d say there are about 80 people on my floor, which means that at any one time, you’re standing in line to use a toilet that 80 other people just either rubbed their ass all up on or just found a way to urinate all over. I’m still not clear why we wait in line for this.
The other day I managed to get in without having to take a number. I was sitting down and playing a game on my cell phone when I saw it. I’m trying to describe this bug without having a fucking freak out right now, but it’s so hard. It had like, a million legs, was this disgusting brown color, had antennae that were measured in inches, and it was fat. And wearing a McCain/Palin ’08 t-shirt.
Since I was sitting, I was kind of limited with my reach, so I just prayed that this thing wouldn’t come near me. But why would anything go well for me? Ever? Especially on the toilet?? Because if screwing over John wasn’t good enough, hell, let’s just take it up a notch and do it while he’s pants down pooping.
So it started coming at me. Like it was sad and wanted a hug or something. So I started stamping my foot to scare it away. I don’t know why I thought this would work, why a man sans pants stomping his foot would intimidate ANYTHING, much less bugs wanting hugs. This is when the bug full sprint towards me.
You guys, I totally freaked out, and before I knew what I was doing, I fucking stomped it’s head into the ground. And when I lifted my foot, half of it’s body was smushed into the floor, and the other half was still running. STILL FUCKING RUNNING!
Can you imagine if a full grown adult male was attacking you, and you found a way to pulverize him from the waist up, but his legs kept running after you?? Don’t forget to factor in the whole pantless and pooping component. That situation is ripe with fucked up shit.
So of course I had to sit there and finish my business, because until I could get my hands on half a roll of paper towels, I sure as hell wasn’t going to clean it up right then. Once done with the original mission, I picked up the STILL KICKING CARCASS with about 10 paper towels and threw it in the trash.
When the ball of paper towels hit the trash in the barrel, you guys, BUGS INSIDE THE BARREL STARTED RUNNING AROUND. If that doesn’t fucking nauseate you to the point of vomiting then your soul is putrid and rotting.
I’m still claiming a point of victory for this one, but seriously, Inter-kids, there’s a war-a-brewing. And I’m worried that my strongest weapon [screaming like girl] won’t cut it on the front lines.