Archive for July, 2008

The World May Never Know

July 31, 2008

After sending yet another link found by Kottke to Courtney

Courtney: i dont understand how kottke has time to read so many freaking blogs
Courtney: i feel like hes super human
Me: maybe
Me: or maybe he isn’t one man
Me: maybe its like shakespeare
Me: and there are several people claiming to be kottke
Me: and they post under the shared name
Courtney: maybe
Courtney: i doubt it though
Me: but super human is a more viable option?
Courtney: yes
Me: it’s good to know where you stand on situations like this

What I Got For My Birthday

July 31, 2008

People were so nice to me on my birthday. Which sounds like an inane comment, after having written it, but just hear me out. No one had to do nothing, and people like, gave me shit. And did things for me. I got a jamba juice, itunes gift card and a ring pop from co-workers.

And then they surprised me with cake and singing. Which I always told myself I wouldn’t be one of those people who just fell for that. Because it happens 3x a month. An email goes out “Janie has a birthday! Surprise her in the bistro with cake but don’t tell her!” And Janie is expected to be surprised when she needs to attend an ’emergency meeting’. On her birthday. In a room conveniently adjacent to where there there is a kitchen. Surprise!

I also go these e-cards. If you ever want to make me smile, just send me something from someecards and I will become obsessed with you for days.

You guys don’t even need to talk to your friends anymore. Just send them a card from this site and you’re golden.

The best thing, though, is what my Mom sent me in an email. With the subject line reading “It’s a very special day!” she wrote the following…

Dear John,

I made this myself!


And attached this one page powerpoint…

It’s the effort that makes it so adorable.

The funny thing is that as I hung it up in my office, I was totally picturing her do the same thing, just purely out of pride for herself and her art.

This Post Has Cars, New Jersey, A Monkey and Jizzum

July 30, 2008

Last week, about a dozen or so co-workers and I took a Friday off and headed out to Six Flags in Jersey. Before I continue with the story, I should tell you we went in a party bus, complete with beer and booze, and we went home in a party bus, with beer and booze [albeit less than before]. In between was roller coasters and junk food and pretending you’re 14 years old. This is the best way to spend a day at Six Flags.

The second best is to go with family and bear witness to an act of assault, public indecency and robbery. All at the same time. Because really, have you ever been on a family vacation that didn’t involve one, if not all, of these? If not, you’re doing it wrong.

A few years back, my brother, aunt and I headed down to Jersey to visit our cousin, who lives in the Six Flags area. At the time, she worked every so often as an emergency medic at the park, so she was able to score us tickets. Before going into the park, we convinced my aunt to take us through the Wild Safari area of the park.

So in case you haven’t heard of this, Interkids, the Wild Safari is part of the amusement park where you can drive your car down a long, paved road while being surrounded by animals. Rhinos, ostriches, giraffes, lions and more. Of course the animals that kill for pleasure are kept behind fences, but the rest are left to roam around the park as you drive through. And there are a host of rules you need to follow, per Six Flags’ site

In order to ensure the health and safety of our animals, we require all our guests to comply with our Guest Code Of Conduct:
1. Do NOT feed or touch the animals
2. NO smoking or littering
3. Do NOT exit your vehicle or roll down windows
4. Speed limit 12 MPH
5. Remain on roadway — animals have right of way
6. Pets are not allowed in any Six Flags Park

We broke four of those six rules. In about 15 minutes.

So Auntie Jan agreed to drive her car through the safari, based solely upon my cousin’s promise that nothing will happen, she drives her car through all the time and nothing happens.

And nothing did happen. We drove past the lions, the kangaroos, the giraffes and elephants. We got to a see a kangaroo up close, feed a baby giraffe and drive by white tigers [broken: rules #1, #2 and #3]. It was awesome.

After you past all the calm and caged animals, you come to a fork in the road. Here, you can decide to either go back to the parking lot of the park and head to the rides, or continue through Monkey Village, or some other ridiculously named stretch of roadway, inhabited only by monkeys.

Seriously. You’re going to show two kids a sign about monkeys and expect them to not go ape shit? Pun intended, thanks. So my aunt turned into Simian City or whatever, and within 2 minutes, you guys. Two minutes. Bam. Monkeys. Everywhere.

Monkeys running all batshit crazy over the grass, trees, road and cars is nothing short of heaven for any child between the ages of 4 and however old I’ll be when it becomes not fucking the awesomest thing in the history of ever. My aunt was smart to lock all the windows and doors.

We had to keep stopping the car because little monkey gangs would erupt out of nowhere on the road, causing some sort of little monkey gang fight, complete with little monkey curses and little monkey theatrics. You guys, it was like watching a bunch of children wrapped head to toe in duct tape try to play musical chairs on an ice rink.

The little monkey gangs would run over cars, play on the roof, and run onto the next car, all while doing crazy little monkey Broadway dances. Monkey ruckus in the road. Jump on a car. Monkey play on the roof. Jump off a car. Repeat forever.

So when the monkeys came to our car, my aunt immediately tensed up, but assumed she was safe. I mean, the little monkey gang passed over all the other cars. Why would they victimize hers? Even her own daughter assured her nothing would happen.

If someone ever starts a statement with “Don’t worry, the monkeys won’t…” just stop and leave. Because the monkeys will.

The monkeys did their little monkey dance all over the car. The monkeys had their little monkey gang fight on the hood of the car. The monkeys performed their little monkey theatrics in the road. And one little monkey sat spread eagle on the driver’s side rear view mirror and began to jerk off his own little monkey. While making eye contact with Auntie Jan.

The length of the eye contact was disturbing.

Then my aunt snapped out of it, and slammed on the gas pedal. 10 feet later she slammed on the brakes. She kept doing this, trying to get the little monkey to fall off her rear view mirror and off of her car. But the little monkey grabbed onto the windshield and held on. With one hand. Because the other hand continuously kept up with his previous job between his legs.

If we can remove ourselves from my aunt’s car for just a moment. Just so we can put into mind the image of a horrified middle aged woman driving a car with two boys dying from laughter in the backseat, one 20 something daughter peeing herself in the front, 30 little monkeys performing river dance, and one little monkey rubbing one out on the driver’s side window of a silver Volkswagen as it jerks down a road in the middle of a safari jungle in Jersey. Got it? Good.

The little monkey kept rocking back and forth as my aunt tried to shake him loose, which I only think aided him in his original endeavor. Then the little monkey lost his grip [on both hands] and began to fall. As he fell to the ground, he grabbed the weather stripping around my aunt’s windshield, and repelled down the side of the car and onto the road, leaving the weather stripping lying on the ground.

It took my aunt about 25 feet before she finally stopped the car, got out, and turned to get the weather stripping. You read that correctly. My aunt was heading back towards the little masturbating monkey to pick up a piece of plastic. The thrill of round two must have almost been too much for the little monkey.

But before my aunt could even get to the back of the car, a single little monkey ran out of the woods, threw the weather stripping over it’s shoulder, and bolted back to where it came from. The weather stripping never to be seen again [Rules broken: #3 and #4. Although you would think that somehow, more state and federal ones would have somehow come into play in this situation].

I think the little monkeys are building a car to escape Jersey, because given their situation, that is the only rational explanation. I mean, come on. It’s Jersey.

Time Waster Tuesday: Part Deux

July 29, 2008

And if videos with sexually explicit questions answered by explicitly sexual stoners isn’t your fancy, you could send me birthday ecards from

Because I’m 24 today, and am officially in my last year of being part of the MTV demographic. Which means this may be the last year for silly shenanigans blamed whole heartedly towards my youthful indiscretions.

Sigh. Next year I’ll be old. Like, TLC 25-49 year old demographic old. Yikes.

Time Waster Tuesday – Pot Psychology

July 29, 2008

I have these moments all of the time. Where I see someone do something and I just scream at myself for not having thought of it first. This goes for tons of things, most of which are in subjects and categories I have no talent in whatsoever. The number of times I’ve said to myself “GOD John! Why the hell didn’t YOU write that song??”

To which I answer myself that not only do I not play any instruments, but when I sing, angels lose their wings and fall, burning to the earth.

But there are a few things that I come across and just KICK myself for not having thought of this idea sooner.

Enter Pot Psychology. So besides being obsessed with Tracie and Rich, the two hosts, I am eternally envious of their job.

Interkids, they give advice while high.

That is their job. They receive questions from viewers, they get stoned, and then they answer said questions. This, right here, is the formula that many have followed, but none have bothered to film and execute in such a riotously funny way.

They update with a new video every week on Friday at 4:20pm, and every Friday I secretly count down the hours and minutes until the video is posted. And then I laugh and annoy all my friends and co-workers by sending out the link and saying “Hahahahahaha! Have you heard of pot psych before??? You neeeed to watch this!”

And then all my friends and co-workers collectively roll their eyes and possibly cuss my name because, yes, they have heard of this series of videos. They have seen it. In fact, they saw it the last time it was posted to the internet. Which, very coincedently, was the last time I harrassed them with links and quotes from the video.

Go watch all of the videos asap. This should be a nice Tuesday filler for all you interkids.

Dark Knight Will Explode Your Mind All Over Yourself

July 28, 2008

I saw a pre-screening the Thursday before it’s release, and I decided that if you haven’t gone to see The Dark Knight yet, then we can no longer be friends. Please give back all borrowed DVDs, take me off your blog roll, and yes, I’ve cancelled our Facebook friendship. And stop poking me, it won’t change a thing.

Seriously, stop. Get off of me.

It was so good, I went and saw it a second time in IMAX. And there is nothing better than going to see a movie with a crowd of people who will cheer and gasp at the exact right moment. The IMAX scenes were incredible, and the audience appreciated it with a lot of ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’. And then a fight erupted in the back of the IMAX theatre, complete with lots of swearing, yelling and throwing of popcorn and drinks.

Which is just so confusing to me, because if you are going to pay an exorbitant amount of money to sit and watch a 2 1/2 hour movie with 250 strangers, you would think that an argument that necessitates Sour Patch Kids as ammunition could wait until the credits rather than the pencil scene. If you had seen the movie, you would totally understand, and most likely have urged, my immediate need to forcibly shut those people up in any way possible. Using my own sour and sweet candy, if necessary.

Other than that, the second time around was just as good, if not better, than the first. And I discovered the wicked awesome viral campaign the Dark Knight had, as well. So read that and be as jealous as I am.

I think this whole post just adds up to ‘Go see The Dark Knight’. I’m sorry you read all this just to arrive at that conclusion.

Well…It Certainly Gets Your Attention

July 23, 2008

Let’s play a little game, Interkids. Try and spot what’s out of place on my Facebook mainpage…

Can you spot what seems out of place, strange, or, oh I don’t know, just a smidge bit accusatory? Here, let me help…

What the hell type of ad is this? I’ve worked with Facebook many times, so I know their targeting capabilities are pretty good. You can have an ad served to someone based on where they live, where they went to school, age, sex, even career. It’s pretty crazy. But for the life of me, I cannot understand how the hell I was targeted on this one.

I clicked through, and here is some information from the site…

Katan Adventures provides action-packed, eco-centric, guided outdoor adventure trips and travel for Jews and friends of the Jew ages 18-36. Our trips are not affiliated with any Jewish movement and they do not promote any religion. They do, however, reflect the fundamental Jewish value of tikkun olam, (heal the world).

This means that our guides will show you the best outdoor adventure activities that our destinations have to offer, such as surfing, skiing, rock climbing, mountain biking, hiking and more all while being mindful of our impact on the environment within which we travel and, ultimately, live.

We revolutionized breakfast, why not travel? (source)

You should know that their logo has Aslan the lion [aka the biggest Christ figure in literature since…well, Christ] in it. Also, the word “breakfast” in the above sentence links to the wikipedia page of the bagel.

I do enjoy bagels, and I do consider myself a friend of the Jew, so I suppose, with these two qualities combined, I should travel with this site.

I strongly urge you to take a look at this website. Part of me is thinking ‘Wow, the stuff they offer is really awesome and cool!’, but the other part of me goes ‘Huh?’ when he sees that their FAQ page is broken out into three sections; General, Booking a Trip, and JewStuff.

I’m torn between signing up for more information, laughing hysterically at every page, and feeling offended.

Okay. To be honest, I’m going with the first two. Don’t judge me.

I’m seriously going to organize something with this.

Time Waster Tuesday – Hulu

July 22, 2008

Online video, you guys.

Seriously, it has come so far recently. Remember the days when you would Google for hours and hours, just to see if you could find some dumb TV show you forgot to record? And when you finally found what you thought you were looking for on YouTube, it just ends up being a series of clips put together by some fan with Japanese techno crazy music as a background?

And God. I don’t even want to think of the number of times I accidentally stumbled upon some freak fetish foot wrestling video starring a wannabe porn star and an overly excited midget. I don’t even know how to LINK the key words involved in that search with ‘The Office’ and ‘Season 3’. Unless it’s some sort of Easter egg on the dvd. I’ll have to check that out.

Either way, online video has become my new favorite time waster. If the roommate has the TV to watch ‘Daughters In The Garden Of Youth’ on Lifetime, then I just go online. And BAM sucka! TV.

Hulu is my favorite provider, because they have so much stuff it’s ridiculous. AND MOVIES! They have movies, too. The other night, I watched The Secret of NIMH. That immediately makes this the coolest site ever. Because come on. Secret of NIMH.

I also got to catch up on episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Which, in case you haven’t had a chance to see any episodes, this is your excuse to do so now. Because the show is like, if the Friends cast were comprised of asshats, were on acid, and were completely and totally immoral.

That is what this show is. Asshat Friends on Acid.

This is my favorite scene from the 3rd season of the show. The gang is being held hostage by the creepy McPoyle brothers they went to high school with. Dee and Dennis [brother and sister] begin to doubt that the brothers McPoyle will harm them at all, and consider escape. Then Dee comes down with Stockholm Syndrome.

Oh yeah. And you can embed clips on your blog to start and stop where you fucking want. It’s like you’re some sort of Greek video god that none of the ancient Greeks ever learned to appreciate.

Commence wasting your life, inter-kids.

I Am Not Crazy

July 18, 2008

Okay, I’m being completely serious right now. No joking and no kidding around.

Two men keep on talking to me through my computer at work.

It’s pre-recorded sounds, but I can’t figure out what’s causing it. I will have NO internet windows open. I’ve shut all sounds off on my buddy list. I’m not rolling over any of those annoying ads in the buddy list window […way to bash your job, John].

They keep talking. Things they say?

“Stop it!”
“No, you stop it!”


“You say something? Huh?? You say something?”
“Hey hey hey, he’s cool he’s cool.”

It doesn’t stop. It happens randomly. And it’s creeping me the fuck out.

And it doesn’t help that Virginia told me that I’m hearing things happen from the future. And that these people in the future are going to be killed, and I need to save them.

Freak out.

UPDATE: It’s a God forsaken AIM chat window. Someone has an AIM background of “Step Brothers” starring Will Ferrell and John C. Riley. Since I talked to someone who had that as their background, the picture of the two of them talk.

Things I’m Super [Not] Excited For

July 17, 2008
Excited For

*Going to a pre-screening of The Dark Knight tonight. Oh holler.

*Going to Laura and Kevin’s wedding this weekend back in the glorious ‘Cuse. To understand the relevance of how great Syracuse is, read every post from May 2006 back to this blog’s inception. This weekend will be amazing.

*Going to see The Dark Knight next week in IMAX. Oh hell, holler.

*Beating Puzzle Farter [fyi I beat this like, weeks ago. I’m just still really proud of myself].

*Turning 24 in 12 days.

[Not] Excited For

*Going to a wedding and having to wear dress clothes. Specifically dress pants. That may no longer fit. At all. Fatty.

*Turning 24 in 12 days and not having planned any type of extravaganza.

*Trying to fall asleep last night with several pounds of ribs, shrimp, hush puppies, fried okra, burger and fries lounging in my gut. Also, drinking enough water to keep the meat sweats at a minimum.

So overall, I’m pretty happy right now, as the pros outweigh the cons.

The meat sweats were pretty horrible, though.