I Sleep With A Shotgun Out Of Pure Fear That This Man Will Be At My Bedside To Give Me A Croissanwich

Sometimes, Nicole and I will just watch TV with one another while on the phone. She, in Virginia, and I in Boston. We’ve managed to be able to carry on full fledged conversations during the overlapping of each of our commercial breaks. It’s a talent we’ve become very proud of. It also helps that neither of us are really that offended if the other is speaking and no attention is being paid but an occasional ‘uh huh’.

[As of this very moment, we are on the phone and I am writing this post. Meanwhile, Nicole keeps gasping and saying ‘Ricky Schroeder, what are you DOING?!’]

A little while ago, while watching TV, I became enraged at one of the new Burger King commercials. In it, a man chooses [in an apparent act of insanity] to grab breakfast at the local 7-11 or what have you. Before he can open his food, ballerinas jump out from the isles and dance and kick and lead him to the King…
“ARGH I hate this commercial!!”

“What is it?”

“These ballerinas dance into a 7-11 and lead this man who chose to eat breakfast there to the King, where he is supposed to be having breakfast. Why the hell are the ballerinas there to bring him to the King?! What the fuck does this mean?!”

I would like this to be considered as an open letter to the Burger King people, as well as Crispin Porter + Bogusky [the ad people responsible for this waking nightmare].

The King is evil. He is the aid to Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. He is the image that haunts the dreams of children. He is the face I see out of the corner of my eye when I’m walking at night by myself. He is the cold faced representation of almost every single molester on the front page of almost every single newspaper ever.

And I do not want to buy burgers from him. Ever. Or his damned ballerinas.

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4 Responses to “I Sleep With A Shotgun Out Of Pure Fear That This Man Will Be At My Bedside To Give Me A Croissanwich”

  1. nicole Says:

    I am flattered to be a part of your blog, but I am horrified that my name is merely three sentences away from The Creepiest Thing Ever.

  2. Vanessa Says:

    My brother (1) got the burger king “Sneak King” game for xbox for christmas. The object was to sneak around, with burger king sandwiches, and jump out and suprise people with them. You would get points based off how sneaky and quiet you were.

  3. nicole Says:

    Wow. Thank you, Vanessa, for giving yet another reason why this dude has been dubbed, The Creepiest Thing Ever.

  4. tiffany Says:

    i heard he’s friends with samwell.

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