Archive for March, 2007

I Sleep With A Shotgun Out Of Pure Fear That This Man Will Be At My Bedside To Give Me A Croissanwich

March 30, 2007

Sometimes, Nicole and I will just watch TV with one another while on the phone. She, in Virginia, and I in Boston. We’ve managed to be able to carry on full fledged conversations during the overlapping of each of our commercial breaks. It’s a talent we’ve become very proud of. It also helps that neither of us are really that offended if the other is speaking and no attention is being paid but an occasional ‘uh huh’.

[As of this very moment, we are on the phone and I am writing this post. Meanwhile, Nicole keeps gasping and saying ‘Ricky Schroeder, what are you DOING?!’]

A little while ago, while watching TV, I became enraged at one of the new Burger King commercials. In it, a man chooses [in an apparent act of insanity] to grab breakfast at the local 7-11 or what have you. Before he can open his food, ballerinas jump out from the isles and dance and kick and lead him to the King…
“ARGH I hate this commercial!!”

“What is it?”

“These ballerinas dance into a 7-11 and lead this man who chose to eat breakfast there to the King, where he is supposed to be having breakfast. Why the hell are the ballerinas there to bring him to the King?! What the fuck does this mean?!”

I would like this to be considered as an open letter to the Burger King people, as well as Crispin Porter + Bogusky [the ad people responsible for this waking nightmare].

The King is evil. He is the aid to Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. He is the image that haunts the dreams of children. He is the face I see out of the corner of my eye when I’m walking at night by myself. He is the cold faced representation of almost every single molester on the front page of almost every single newspaper ever.

And I do not want to buy burgers from him. Ever. Or his damned ballerinas.

Angst In The Workplace

March 28, 2007


I found this scrawled in the management binder. I can only hope that whomever summoned enough strength to convey this message through their menstrual pains is alive and well somewhere.

Just Imagine All The Fart Jokes

March 23, 2007

While going over the benefits package of my new job at dinner…

Dad: So that’s what an HMO is. Now a preferred provider, or a PPO…

Brother: A what?

Dad: PPO. So anyways, one of the differences between the two is money. Depending on what…

Brother: Wait. Say it again? A what-what-Oh?

Dad:

Brother: C’mon.

Dad: …

Brother: I’m trying to get you to say pee pee! [laughter ensues]

Dad: Yeah. I figured.

The Relay For Life

March 21, 2007

For all of those who don’t know, the Relay for Life is one of the most vital tools in the cure for cancer. Every year, community members get together in teams and walk all night in order to raise money for all those touched by cancer.

The Relay for Life was one of the most powerful experiences I’ve had to date. It starts with the first lap, where cancer survivors from the community make the initial walk around the track. Afterwards, all other teams are welcome on the track. Here is where you’ll find countless numbers of people who are walking in honor of a loved one touched by cancer.

For me, the most powerful part of the Relay are the Luminarias. Circled around the track are lanterns, each of which are made of a simple light and paper. But when the sun goes down [or the lights dimmed], each bag is lit, representing one person and their story. People stop along their walk and gather around different bags to remember those who have lost the fight, support those engaged in the fight, and give thanks to those who have won the fight against cancer.

This is the first time in four years I have not been on a Relay team. But that doesn’t stop me from still taking part in one of the biggest fundraisers the American Cancer Society has. Without sponsors like you and I, the Relay for Life would be nothing.

If you would like to find a Relay in your area to donate, or even to create your own team, click here.

I am donating to my little’s team, Coloring for a Cure. Jewels, my little [a brother within Alpha Phi Omega, a co-ed community service fraternity, whom I have mentored through the pledging process], is a sophomore and is majoring in special and elementary education. She is a super awesome little and I’m proud to be her big. Here we are after she was initiated.
Here we are being ridiculously cute together.
If you could find just $10 to donate to this wonderful cause, you would be making a world of difference. Click here to get to Jewels’ page. Thank you in advance for all your kindness and support.

It’s Official

March 20, 2007

As you all have probably read, I’ve been job interviewing for the last few months. I’ve interviewed with maybe, oh, I don’t know…about a quarter million different agencies. I’m pretty sure the woman at the Amtrak ticket booth knows me by name, and it is only a matter of time until I am on her Christmas card list.

I didn’t want to say anything, though, until I was sure about the position. I interviewed last Monday, and I got a tentative offer Tuesday. And today, I got the phone call with the final offer.

I accepted. I’ve got a job. And I’m moving to New York City.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go freak the hell out.

I Am So Not Taking Advantage Of My Discounts

March 20, 2007

Ryan: I needed to get more Proactiv, so I went to the cart in the mall. When I was about to buy my stuff, the guy asked if I worked at the mall. I said ‘Yeah, I do. Does that mean I get a discount?’ He said ‘No. But if you don’t tell anyone, I can get you a hooker.’

Me: Oh my God!

Ryan: I know, right?! I was like ‘Oh…um… that’s alright. But thanks anyways’.

Me: I can’t believe that!

Ryan: Yeah. When I got home I was totally like ‘I should have said yes’.

Uncle Sam Wants You [To Be Straight]

March 15, 2007

This story has been circulating in papers and the internet for the past few days now, and I couldn’t repress the urge to comment on it any longer.

The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy was conceived back in 1993 as a sort of compromise. Until then, it was argued that having gays in the ranks of the military would cause a dismantling of unit morale and cohesion. Added to the idea that it is believed that most gays are pedophiles [another post entirely], it was believed that this would culminate in the destruction of the unit from the inside out. Some believe, including Northwestern professor Charles Moskos, that cohesion isn’t an issue. Rather it is “modesty rights for straights”, saying he has the right to not be looked at as an object of sexual desire [articles here and here].

When Clinton took office in ’92, he caused a controversy when he said he would lift the ban on gays in the military. As a compromise to this proposal, it was settled that instead of enacting witch hunts to find and discharge gay men and women in the military, the government would just not ask the question “Are you gay?” and would expect those in its service to not voice their sexuality. Many believed this to be Clinton’s aim; preferring to take a few small steps toward equality rather than remain on a completely biased and discriminatory turf.

Because of the DADT policy, men and women in the service of our country have been discharged left and right for no other reason than who is next to them in bed. In 2005, discharges under the DADT policy increased 11%, with 726 service members discharged in that year alone. Since the policy’s inception in ’93, over 10,000 service members have been discharged [article here].

Being discriminatory certainly isn’t cheap, either. The money spent on discharging gay service members [this includes recruiting and training replacements] has cost us, the taxpayers, almost $14 million every year since ’93. $191 million to date. Many gay activists say that the Government Accountability Office is , and to the GAO’s own admission as well, neglecting to include how much is spent on the actual investigations, legal challenges and so forth [article here and here].

So here we stand. At the most recent count, the war has cost us over $400 billion, Bush is calling for almost 30,000 more troops and we’ve lost 3,200 men and women. And here we have America’s highest ranking military officer releasing a statement that both insults his fellow countrymen and denounces the efforts of his fellow service members. The fact that General Pace’s comments are military supported [no attempt at admonition is a declaration of support, in my opinion] makes for an even worse situation.

Not that a retraction or apology at this point would make a difference. With the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff publicly announcing the immorality of an entire community with no feelings of repentance, it is more apparent than ever the position that gays have in our country. That, even despite risking our lives for our country, we’re deemed unfit for first class citizenship rights.

While Pace believes that the DADT policy passes no judgement upon the LGBT community, I believe that it is the very epitome of the intolerance embedded within our system. That, even though the military aches for more dedicated service members, it still has the idiotic audacity to turn away those based upon sexual orientation. Not even in a period of peace does a nation have the time and energy to spare on practicing acts of ignorance and intolerance, never mind in an era of war.

While I do not support this war, I do support our troops. And if someone wishes to serve our country to the best of their abilities, they should only be refused that wish on the basis of a creditable reason, rather than an inane one.

I Think It May Be Time For Me To Stop Watching TV

March 14, 2007

Today I got home from work early. So after making myself a nice late lunch, I parked in front of the TV while I ate.

Not much is on in the early afternoon, so I found myself switching between Judge Joe Brown and the Tyra Banks show. I should never have left the comforts of Joe and his court room of misbehaving miscreants.

Tyra’s show yesterday was all about skin care. How to treat stretch marks. How to protect your skin from UV rays and becoming an old leathery baseball mitt. How to make the skin on your breasts soft and firm. And how to pop pimples.

I should have immediately changed it back to Judge Joe Brown when Tyra asked the audience if there was anyone who liked to pop pimples and had a really good one that they wouldn’t mind popping on air.

Tyra then commenced popping this man’s GINORMOUS pimple with two q-tips, and was told by the dermatologist to stop once she sees blood.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I feel myself getting sick just writing this.

After it was done, the man was so thankful to Tyra because, well, Tyra Banks just popped a pimple on his face, and if that isn’t a story to tell the grandkids someday, then you might as well just kill yourself now and end your God forsaken life because nothing NEARLY as exciting and important will ever happen to you as Tyra making pustules on your face explode in a glorious display of blood and pimple juice.

Ugh I feel like less of a person for writing this post. I also feel like my stomach is filled with a bunch of butterflies. Sick, puking, angry butterflies.

Boston Recently Raced Some Babies

March 13, 2007

Next week we’ll be throwing the annual Elderly Brawl. Winner gets a Metamucil and money towards a Hoveround.

My Week

March 10, 2007

My next day off is Friday. If you see me, kindly shake me awake and put a coffee in my hands. Apply deodorant if needed.

Much appreciated.