Archive for February, 2007

Brokeback Dance Act

February 27, 2007

Everyone has that bar. The one that you drive by almost every day of your life, or pass by every time you drive down a familiar highway. And every time you ride by it, you think to yourself how you and your friends need to go in there, no REALLY, this weekend WE’RE SO GONNA DO IT!

Of course, you never go online to check out exactly what type of bar it is, so you end up walking into some sort of freak show fetish gathering where everyone is sporting Hello Kitty and singing Raffi songs in edible undies.

This past weekend, Carla, Kristen and I headed on over to a local bar & grill. Since before we were 21, this had been Carla’s ‘gotta see’ bar. So it worked out perfectly when the man Kristen is seeing asked us to meet him and his friends here. Perfectly, that is, until we pulled up to the place.

Cowboys. Fancy hat wearin‘, country music lovin‘, tight jeans huggin‘, honest to God cowboys. And they were linedancing.

The last time I had seen anyone linedance was last summer when I worked on the Antiques Roadshow with Tiffany. We walked into a gay club called Woody’s and saw about 30 gay men and women lined up in grid formation. All of them wearing fitted shirts, designer jeans and cowboy hats. They all matched one another, and they were all linedancing to dance club remixes of Madonna and Britney Spears. Tiff and I commenced obsessing.

Being around gay linedancers and being around cowboy linedancers are two very different things. The glaring disparity being that the gay linedancers are a lot more accepting of…well…gay people, whereas I have a slightly less cuddly feeling about the cowboy ones. Southern hospitality and all.

I was adamant that the only people I’d interact with are the ones I came there with. And the only choreographed moves I’d make were from the bar to the bathroom.

Skip ahead a few hours and a few beers, and you’ll find Kristen and I on the dance floor being taught linedancing by a group of women in the 55-65 age group, being encouraged to attend the Wednesday classes and invited into the dance circles by passing couples.

The sad thing is that we are planning to actually attend these lessons. And while some of reason lies in actual fun inherent in linedancing [yes, FUN], the real reasons are a deep-seeded jealousy and an insatiable ego. Kristen and I love to dance, and to be in a club where we are perhaps the only two people who CAN’T keep up with everyone else is just plain unacceptable. So our goal is to master linedancing, shame the other linedancers with our superior grace, skill and foot tapping, and then go on with our lives.

And as a closing note, I think there’s a few words to be said about groups of people dancing in sync with one another in colorful, coordinated outfits consisting of tight pants and big hats. And none of those words are synonymous with ‘heterosexual’.

Advertisements

I Just Watched Grey’s Anatomy

February 23, 2007

And if Meredith doesn’t end up with at least some sort of mental tick or tourettes like symptoms, I’m going to be rip shit.

She should have drowned in the Pacific, that life defying bitch.

My Body Is Leaking

February 23, 2007

My insides are fighting a winning battle. If things don’t change very soon, all the fluids within my body will be on the outside, and I will be out of tissue and toilet paper on account of the fact I tried to sop it all up as it exploded out of my nose.

Being sick always forces me into tunnel vision. I cannot remember for the life of me what being healthy was ever like. I only know coughing, sneezing and overall discomfort. It’s like a world where clean, dry nasal passageways never existed, it was just a dream, and now HA HA! it’s back to reality. And in reality, it is totally inappropriate to take your chap stick and rub it all over your red-raw nostrils to relieve the burning pain of blowing it every 20 seconds.

And besides, it doesn’t work. I’ve been inappropriate.

The silver lining in this situation has always been the night time medication. Nyquil has always offered me a quick trip to sleep, followed by exciting, bizarre dreams. And when I would wake up, if I am in the midst of applying for jobs, I would get a call for an interview. Nyquil is truly a miracle drug.

I didn’t buy Nyquil this time around. I bought Tylenol Cold Multi-Symptom Nighttime medication. And the only thing that got me was paranoid, hallucinatory and a dream in which I came forward as the real father of Anna Nicole’s baby. And no job interviews. So I think we’ve discovered the better of the medications.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m needed on the front lines. A new squadron of mucus and fluid is making it’s way through the ol‘ factory, and I’ve run out of tissues. Wish me luck.

My Friend’s Away Message Makes Sense Of The World

February 19, 2007

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Hey What’s Up?!

February 16, 2007

I know I haven’t blogged in awhile. I’m sorry. I’ve been uber busy with work and trying to find a NEW work. AKA a job that is for real people outside of retail.

If you have something in New York City, internet, let me know. Or anywhere, really.

I’m posting right now to say that I have found out that my friend, Kim, and her gorgeous face are being appropriated by the university we had matriculated ourselves at for four years.

See? She’s the one who looks like she’s contemplating life and death in the bottom right.

A few minutes later, she found out they were using ME as well.

And not even a GOOD picture of me, but one in which I have a bad dye job and I am sweating like I just ran a marathon. I can tell you EXACTLY where this picture was taken, and for the life of me, can’t figure out why it got to this section of Syracuse’s website. Though, with the look on my face, you would think I belonged in this office.

God help the webmaster if I should ever find them.

Nicole Sent Me This…(There, Are You Happy?! Credit Where It’s Due)

February 7, 2007

Take a gander at this article.

I’ll post my own feelings and responses and what not later, but until then, make sure you read up.

It’s funny that this article comes to me know, by the way, only because I’ve been getting aggravated at work because of this one song. It’s Rockin’ The Suburbs by Ben Folds, and here are some lyrics…

In a haze these days
I pull up to the stop light
I can feel that something’s not right
I can feel that someone’s blasting me with hate
And bass
Sendin’ dirty vibes my way
‘Cause my great great great great Grandad
Made someones’ great great great great Grandaddys’ slaves
It wasn’t my idea
It wasn’t my idea
Never was my idea
I just drove to the store
For some Preparation-H

(source)

Every time I hear it, I get very irritated with what people mistakenly view as racism. So this article somewhat connects to the ideas surrounding racism that I’ve been bouncing around in my head.

Take a read, then by tomorrow I’ll have my own response.

NOTE: Here is the article about Biden’s comments when it first occurred.

I Win

February 3, 2007

Hey John. Arthur just pricked his finger with a sensor and now he’s saying he is having the worst day ever.

Oh really?

Yeah. And he’s bleeding. So he’s having the worst day ever.

The government is trying to pass legislation against my people.

…You win.

The Man Outside The Starbucks Window Has Been Scratching Himself For Quite Some Time Now

February 1, 2007

And that can only mean one thing.

I’m in New York City!

Yes, folks. Right this very minute I am mentally preparing myself for a job interview. One that I am very excited about and very much hope I get. But enough about that, because the last thing I need is to jinx myself after having paid a nice little bit of cash to train it on down here.

And please don’t worry. This time I made sure to stay in my seat and just sleep. There’s no need for me to suffer any type of damages to my person this time around. Going one round with the train bathroom was quite enough for me.

So wish me luck, everybody. I’m about to [hopefully] go get a job.

And I can’t get that song from Chicago out of my head, Give ’em the old razzle dazzle! Razzle dazzle ’em!

And I feel that can do nothing but hinder my performance.