Some Insanely Important Things

For a little less than 2 hours, Vanessa and I were on the phone together. I make it a point to not say ‘spoke for 2 hours’ because a majority of the time was spent surfing the web and pointing out things to one another over instant messenger. I feel it is in your utmost interest to know of everything we spoke about.

*There is an alarm clock named Clocky. When your alarm clock goes off in the morning, it gives you one, and only one, snooze. After that, it rolls off your night stand and finds a place to hide, all the meanwhile buzzing you out of your slumber. I want it. Badly.

Although, I say that now. Because the day that I wake up and have an alarm clock run away and hide from me while screaming is the day before I wake up with a shotgun and unload a few barrels while in bed, under the sheets, until the noise is stopped.

*Naked parties are all the rage now in college, apparently. FUCK. THAT. I go and graduate last May, and come to find out, 3 months later, the student populace up and decide to go and get drunk while completely bare assed.

Words cannot EXPRESS how pissed off I am with how poorly karma is treating me right now. I was so planning to fail a class and stay for another semester or two, only to later decide to take the high road and graduate on time.

IF I HAD KNOWN THE LOW ROAD CONSISTED OF DRUNK NAKED PEOPLE, I WOULD NEVER HAVE DRAGGED MY LAZY ASS UP THAT STEEP, HIGH ROAD!

I’m pissed. And sober and clothed.

*This story is a little graphic. I just want to point out that it was Vanessa that had me read it, and not the opposite. I think one of the reasons we both laughed at it, though, is because it combines many of our favorite things in life, such as feces, nakedness, lube and video cameras.

I’d also like to note that all four of these things are a staple in Vanessa’s Friday night show down at The Golden Banana.

*I’m not sure if any of you know about Facebook. It’s an online community that makes it easy for you to stalk, oh say, anyone that’s ever drawn a single breath. It’s also really great at making you feel pathetically single when you find out that approximately 27 percent of your friends are engaged and/or in a relationship that has lasted over 2 years.

To all of you who find themselves within this category of people: suck it dry. When Vanessa and I are enjoying the high life, livin’ it up the single way with all our sex slaves serving us mango martinis, I hope that the parasitic byproducts of your preemptive marriage [ie: children] have sucked all the fun out of your lives, sex out of your bed and heft out of your breasts.

*And lastly, they have returned. The Bloggies. Vanessa and I were shocked to find out that voting closes TOMORROW! And we haven’t even campaigned yet! Sadly, we’ve only a day. I’m not sure what Vanessa will be doing, but this year I’m going all out.

I’ve already voted for some of you, but like the self serving blogger that I am, I made sure my name got put into a few categories…

~Best-Kept-Secret [maybe I’ll win this year…no offense, NeedCoffee, you’re a great winner]
~Best Writing
~Most Humorous
~Best GLBT Blog
~Best American Blog
~Weblog of the Year
~Lifetime Achievement Award

I am fully confident in my ability to win each and every one of these categories. I’ve enough talent to float a boat, so I’m sure that it will carry me to victory. Whereupon I will rule the Blogosphere with an iron fist, crushing all of those who would dare oppose me. I will also sign into existence the Comment Amendment. Everyone must comment on my site once per week, and they must pay me $1 per comment for the luxury of doing so. I feel this plan is fool proof, and I see no cracks in it whatsoever.

As added insurance, I’ve also gotten my hands on Nikolai Nolan’s gmail password. So I’ll not only win at everything, but I will have reset Nikolai’s NetFlix to constantly send him lesbian vampire porn, The English Patient in Spanish, and countless documentaries on the cuckoo clock.

Now I need to decide who I’m going to wear at the Awards…

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3 Responses to “Some Insanely Important Things”

  1. Widgett Walls Says:

    Thanks, chief. Much obliged. Best of luck this year. All I ask is that you don’t forget the little people when you assume your role as God-King of The Blogosphere and instead remember us by crushing us quickly and humanely.

    And…oh @&#%*!, if you win this comment might cost me a dollar!

  2. Joolie Says:

    I was going say something about what a terrible idea the sneaky alarm clock is, but I don’t have a dollar on me right now.

  3. Lauren Says:

    I hear ya about that facebook relationship crap. I was recently dumped by my facebook “wife” so she could be in a lame facebook relationship with her real life boyfriend. I’ve had a boyfriend for 3 weeks now though and I feel like a tool for putting “In a relationship”. Maybe you and Vanessa should be “complicated” together or something.

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