Archive for January, 2007

Friends Don’t Let Friends Disrespect Historical Heroes

January 30, 2007

I don’t think Helen Keller ever existed.

What?!

I think that Helen Keller is false.

How is Helen Keller false?!

She was deaf AND blind and wrote all those book?! Do you really believe she could do that?

Chris, I don’t…

I mean think of it, man!

You DO know that she didn’t write it by hand, right?

…Let me rethink my position for a sec…

Things I Need To Talk To You About

January 18, 2007

I’ve been very busy recently*, so I haven’t had a chance to update. And I don’t even really have time right now, but I feel bad that it is Thursday and there has been no posting whatsoever. So I figured I should at least do something.

Here’s a list of what I plan to talk to you all about.

*Saddam’s execution and how the reactions I’m seeing from people disgust me.

*The fact that most every person that sees me in the greater Boston area with either my friend Kristen or Carla thinks that I am going out with them. This has caused some funny pranks.

*My run in with a bunch of middle aged woman who, if their children weren’t present, I believe would have torn me apart limb by limb in passionate rampage. This doubles as a story of how I got thrown to the wolves by Carla.

*My issue with the bathroom.

Which is where I’m heading right now…so I guess I’ll just tell you.

Sometimes I like to be on the phone with people while I shower. I’ll bring my cell phone into the shower, but make sure it doesn’t get wet. I’ve done this to many people, though they usually don’t realize it.

The past few times I’ve been in the shower, I’ve literally screamed like a 5 year old girl. What did I see in front of my face as I washed my behind?!

Spiders. Disgusting, wretched, horrible spiders. Slowly descending on the invisible thread hanging from their butts, they hung there. Showering with me.

When it first happened while on the phone with Vanessa, I didn’t want to get near it. I had seen Arachnophobia, so I knew what these things were capable of. Especially in the shower. I mean, when are you ever going to be MORE vulnerable then when you are naked and wet?

So instead of squashing it, I kept yelling at Vanessa.

HOLD ON!!!
What are you talking about?
SPIDER!!! IN THE SHOWER WITH ME!!!
…You’re showering with me on the phone?!
Hold on…I’m gonna fill my mouth up with hot water and spray it…

While not the most effective way, the spider was dead and washed down the drain about 5 minutes later.

The other day, I answered the call to battle in a much more honorable way. While talking to Tiffany and telling her the story, one, brave little spider inched it’s way down right in front of my face as I was stepping into the tub.

The blood lust that filled me when I entered battle mode has erased some of my memories of that particular fight, though I’m sure I’ll be suffering flashbacks for decades to come. What I do remember is the initial panic, Tiffany asking what was wrong, then me standing over the dead body while it floated in the toilet, part of the weapon still in my hand. The weapon being toilet paper.

If pressed for information in front of a jury, I will deny any connection with what had happened to that eight legged bastard.

Consider this a warning, though. If you spiders DARE enter my bathroom while I am in there, you had best make sure one you’ve gotten your affairs in order. Because you WILL perish.

And don’t even think any Charlotte type of bitch will make me behave any differently. You can write whatever you like in that web of yours, and I’ll just flush it along with your ass.

*I had the last three days off. I did nothing.

I’m Surprised I’m Up And Posting At 10am, Too

January 10, 2007

Today is your last day to vote, people! GET EXCITED!

And listen. That whole ‘charging you guys a buck to comment’ deal , with the talk about taking over the Blogosphere and ruling with an iron fist, tearing into those beneath me with as much mercy as a child on Christmas morning and so on and so forth…

It’s so gonna happen.

So I think we should all just make this an expeditious coup d’etat, rather than fight the inevitable.

If it helps ease the situation, I’ll throw pizza parties every Friday. At my house. The door will be locked.

Vote for us!

Vanessa & I

Some Insanely Important Things

January 9, 2007

For a little less than 2 hours, Vanessa and I were on the phone together. I make it a point to not say ‘spoke for 2 hours’ because a majority of the time was spent surfing the web and pointing out things to one another over instant messenger. I feel it is in your utmost interest to know of everything we spoke about.

*There is an alarm clock named Clocky. When your alarm clock goes off in the morning, it gives you one, and only one, snooze. After that, it rolls off your night stand and finds a place to hide, all the meanwhile buzzing you out of your slumber. I want it. Badly.

Although, I say that now. Because the day that I wake up and have an alarm clock run away and hide from me while screaming is the day before I wake up with a shotgun and unload a few barrels while in bed, under the sheets, until the noise is stopped.

*Naked parties are all the rage now in college, apparently. FUCK. THAT. I go and graduate last May, and come to find out, 3 months later, the student populace up and decide to go and get drunk while completely bare assed.

Words cannot EXPRESS how pissed off I am with how poorly karma is treating me right now. I was so planning to fail a class and stay for another semester or two, only to later decide to take the high road and graduate on time.

IF I HAD KNOWN THE LOW ROAD CONSISTED OF DRUNK NAKED PEOPLE, I WOULD NEVER HAVE DRAGGED MY LAZY ASS UP THAT STEEP, HIGH ROAD!

I’m pissed. And sober and clothed.

*This story is a little graphic. I just want to point out that it was Vanessa that had me read it, and not the opposite. I think one of the reasons we both laughed at it, though, is because it combines many of our favorite things in life, such as feces, nakedness, lube and video cameras.

I’d also like to note that all four of these things are a staple in Vanessa’s Friday night show down at The Golden Banana.

*I’m not sure if any of you know about Facebook. It’s an online community that makes it easy for you to stalk, oh say, anyone that’s ever drawn a single breath. It’s also really great at making you feel pathetically single when you find out that approximately 27 percent of your friends are engaged and/or in a relationship that has lasted over 2 years.

To all of you who find themselves within this category of people: suck it dry. When Vanessa and I are enjoying the high life, livin’ it up the single way with all our sex slaves serving us mango martinis, I hope that the parasitic byproducts of your preemptive marriage [ie: children] have sucked all the fun out of your lives, sex out of your bed and heft out of your breasts.

*And lastly, they have returned. The Bloggies. Vanessa and I were shocked to find out that voting closes TOMORROW! And we haven’t even campaigned yet! Sadly, we’ve only a day. I’m not sure what Vanessa will be doing, but this year I’m going all out.

I’ve already voted for some of you, but like the self serving blogger that I am, I made sure my name got put into a few categories…

~Best-Kept-Secret [maybe I’ll win this year…no offense, NeedCoffee, you’re a great winner]
~Best Writing
~Most Humorous
~Best GLBT Blog
~Best American Blog
~Weblog of the Year
~Lifetime Achievement Award

I am fully confident in my ability to win each and every one of these categories. I’ve enough talent to float a boat, so I’m sure that it will carry me to victory. Whereupon I will rule the Blogosphere with an iron fist, crushing all of those who would dare oppose me. I will also sign into existence the Comment Amendment. Everyone must comment on my site once per week, and they must pay me $1 per comment for the luxury of doing so. I feel this plan is fool proof, and I see no cracks in it whatsoever.

As added insurance, I’ve also gotten my hands on Nikolai Nolan’s gmail password. So I’ll not only win at everything, but I will have reset Nikolai’s NetFlix to constantly send him lesbian vampire porn, The English Patient in Spanish, and countless documentaries on the cuckoo clock.

Now I need to decide who I’m going to wear at the Awards…

A Little Explanation

January 8, 2007

I’m betting that you’re all wondering what that whole incident was about. Well, some family members [and all their neighbors] stumbled across this blog and weren’t entirely happy with how they were portrayed. Like I said in the apology, I never meant any depiction to be anything more than a satirical look at something different and out of the ordinary. Like when I talk about my own experiences. And thoughts. And pretty much anything that relates to me, because let’s face it, I’ve pretty much established domination over the words absurd and weird.

For a little while I was upset about the whole issue with the family [enough to even remove some posts, as I’ve noticed a lot of you are trying to search for them**…I’ve yet to decide if and when I’ll repost], but now I’m in a different place. Originally it was the ‘shocked and appalled’ place. In the words of my mother, ‘Just to let you know, you’re out of the closet now’.

Which isn’t necessarily a problem for me, really. I don’t care that anybody knows my sexuality. My philosophy is that since it doesn’t matter to me, then it shouldn’t matter to others [unfortunately, that’s not the case in our society, which sometimes forces me to act differently than I would prefer…but that is another story]. No, for me it is more a matter of how the rest of the family [and a small farming town in Maine] found out.

On the list of ways I could have come out to my entire family, telling them about the massive hickey I got while illegally intoxicated the week before my mother and brother visited for Easter is hardly on the top ten list. I would have preferred being walked in on during a hand party session while watching the strong man competition on ESPN2.

To be honest, I’m not surprised this happened. Since I was a kid, I had adopted an ‘Of course this would happen to me’ mentality. This mind set has helped me survive many a complicated, awkward and embarrassing issue in my lifetime.

Wear clothes to 8th grade that have all the price tags and size stickers still on them, only to be pointed and laughed at all day and not know why? Of course this would happen to me. Lose my cell phone in the pocket of a pair of jeans after I just folded an entire wall of them? Of course this would happen to me. Get hit on by a 6’7″ drag queen named Coco Chanelle, who thinks I have ‘the most beautiful eyes’? Or course this would happen to me.

Possibly being the first person to come out to their family through their blog and a post regarding a hickey christened ‘the storm cloud of promiscuity’? Say it with me, now. OF COURSE THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME!

So you see, while the situation itself was a shock for me, my life long mantra has prepared me for anything that comes my way. Besides any initial shock value of whatever is thrown on me, I can still take it in stride.

And hey. If it gets me perks like being the first person to come out to their family [and subsequently, the world, I suppose…though all of you already knew] via blogging a story about the biggest hickey north of the Mason-Dixon line, then I guess it ain’t that bad.

We’re aiming for big things here, people. Big things!

**By the way, family. I’ve this neat little thing called a ‘stat counter’ that tells me whenever you come to my site. It also tells me what you read, how long you stay, and even your IP address and what browser you use to view my URL.

Hi everyone!

I Told You I Buy People Good Gifts

January 4, 2007


Because reading is fundamental.

New Age Wisdom

January 3, 2007

After a rather rousing discussion over the execution of Hussein and the death penalty with one of my co-workers, Kerry, I found what I thought was the perfect closing remark…

Well…An eye for an eye will leave the world blind. By GHANDI!

Don’t do bad shit and you won’t lose your eyes. By KERRY!

I think Ghandi has met his match.