I’d Have Voted Guilty Either Which Way

A few weeks ago, I was called upon to serve my civic duty. Whenever I had received the letter in the past, I had always phoned in, saying ‘Sorry! I’m in college!’, then proceeded to my next house party. Short of proclaiming a whole list of made up biases, there was no way for me to escape this particular jury duty.

Like all things proper, grown up and responsible, my jury duty assignment began at the ungodly hour of 8 am. To me, the only things that should happen that early are sunrises, news shows and walks to the bathroom for a half-awake piss. You’ve one guess as to which one I participate in.

On the way to the court house, I stopped by Dunkin’ Donuts to grab a coffee just so I could have at least one eye completely open during the proceedings. I had just taken my first sip as I was walking up the court steps when I saw the sign outside…


It makes me feel safe knowing that the judicial system, with all it’s checks and balances, fair and just hearings and democratic modus operandi, starts it’s day off while I’m usually standing over a toilet. And under-caffeinated.

After chugging down as much hot coffee as I could, I was seated with about 100 other potential jurors, where we were soon sorted into two groups; regular jurors and Supreme Court jurors. Or, as I call them, the smart people and the illiterate dumb asses [respectively]. From the moment the court officer said ‘Jurors, read your letters to make sure you are supposed to be here, and not across the street where the Supreme Court jurors are meeting!’, the instructions were constantly interrupted by people who had just come to the glorious revelation that they were, indeed, OH! Supreme Court jurors!

This made me feel a lot better about those who will perhaps one day judge me under the guise of my peers.

After the division was final, my group was sent to wait further instructions on court cases. Across the street. In the church basement. Which just SCREAMS separation of church and state.

It was here, in the basement of Christ slash government waiting room of equitable justice, that I experienced the most gaseous event of my life to date. I don’t know what it was I had ate, but while I was surrounded by all those other potential jurors, I let loose a series of the deepest, most resonating foofs I’ve ever released in cultural memory. They didn’t smell at all, thank God*, but they sounded like a bull moose during mating season.

The reason why my flatulence was such an embarrassment was solely because of the situation I found myself surrounded by. In responding to my call of jury duty, I inadvertently stumbled upon what may be the most awkward social gathering of sad, pathetic people I’ve ever seen. Everyone there seemed to know one another. Sitting at what is probably the bingo table on the weekends, I watched people walk around the room and talk with one another, saying things like ‘I haven’t seen you since that last case…’ and ‘How long you think we’ll be here this time?!’ It was as bizarre as being at a meet and greet at the free health clinic.

After 6 hours of waiting and 4 near death experiences via a torn anus, the Judge himself made an appearance to tell us that, because all the cases had settled outside of court, our services weren’t needed. Not that I wanted to sit on the panel in the first place, but having the option to send someone to jail would have been a nice enough way to put an end to the day.

A little consideration is all I ask for.

*Also, big thanks to the Lord Almighty for the wonderful bathroom facilities.


2 Responses to “I’d Have Voted Guilty Either Which Way”

  1. Candi Says:

    This ranks as one of the funniest posts on any blog I have ever read.

    Thank you.

  2. stephen Says:

    Foofs? Seriously?

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