Recently, I’ve begun to become quite afraid whenever a select few commercials and infomercials appear on TV. Now, I’m smart enough to recognize the use of fear as a tactic to sell services and items. However, I still can’t shake the feeling that whenever these commercials come on, something bad will happen to me if I don’t call that 800 number at the bottom of the screen.

The first fear inducer is the old, bald man that resembles an old Jack Lemmon who sells Oreck vacuums really late at night. Last night, I became glued to the screen as this man told me about how I’ve been lied to, for YEARS, by the big vacuum companies. They’ve been filling my head with all sorts of propaganda, telling me that bagless vacuums are better and healthier, leading me down a path of lies and false security.

In comes Mr. Oreck, a bastion of light and truth in the otherwise dark and abysmal world of vacuums. He tells us that bagless vacs are actually NOT as good as the bagged, and that by using bagless vacs, we are actually dirtying our homes even more. He demonstrated this by using black lights and showing us exactly what was being left in our house after vacuuming. The Oreck was clean as a whistle, whereas the bagless, illuminated by the black light, left a neon green stain of death all throughout the area.

Here’s where I got scared. Mr. Oreck then proceeded to tell us all how dangerous this dirt was, and how it seemed to pervade throughout the house, causing allergies to go crazy and germs to breed like rabbits. The kicker was this. The dirt is invisible! Throughout our homes, there is invisible dirt and germs TRYING to KILL US.

Last night, I’m willing to bet every single citizen with an inkling of OCD called that 800 number if only to protect themselves from the apparent invisible sewage they stew in on a daily basis.

The other commercial that strikes fear into my soul is that of the law offices of Mark E. Salomone. It is my belief that Mark E. Salomone is the Godfather and not a lawyer at all. I also believe that the methods he uses ‘settling my case’, as he calls it, is anything but legal.

Here’s my thought process. Mark E. Salomone rarely appears in his own commercials. When he does, you know something is definitely up. Seeing him on your screen would be like opening your front door and finding Tom Cruise, Whitney Houston and a handful of Jehovah’s Witnesses. You don’t know why, but you know you should be worried.

The man never smiles or reaches above a certain octave, which only adds to the grave effect of what he says. My name is Mark E. Salomone. Have you suffered from medical malpractice or any other type of personal injury? Then call me–right now. I fix problems. Then, there is the Law & Order BUM BUM and the commercial is over, and before you know it you’re calling the nice hitman you just saw on TV to see if he can ‘fix’ your ‘problem’ with that kid who pushed you down in 4th grade and took your milk money [watch your back, Joe Cobb].

When Mark E. Salomone doesn’t appear himself, then he uses his considerably expansive power to have others deliver the message. There’s nothing more intimidating than knowing there is a man out there with enough power to get Erik Estrada and William Shatner to deliver your message of Jewish Mafia violence.

While writing this post, I most certainly thought about my safety. Will Mr. Oreck arrive at my house, vacuum in hand, to torture me with information about all the airborne dust particles in my room? Or will Mark E. Salomone send over ‘The Boys’ to take care of me, only to later deny me their services for a personal injury lawyer? It gave me a bit of comfort to know that others have written about similar subjects…

Springfield lawyer Mark E. Salomone’s television ads long have featured the urgent, almost menacing tones of actor Robert Vaughn, who played Napoleon Solo on TV’s “Man from U.N.C.L.E.” in the 1960s. Vaughn’s breathy exhoration to “call the law offices of Mark E. Salomone – right now” has been a staple of the personal injury lawyer’s commercials for years. While those ads are still running, Salomone has enlisted a new pitchman who may seem like an odd choice for a lawyer’s commercials: William Shatner.

I also decided that if I am not going to deliver this message and try to help make the rest of the world aware, then who will?

But if I you don’t hear from me in the next few days, assume that a cadre of C-List celebrities have taken out their feelings of failure and abandonment on me, leaving me personally injured without a proper lawyer to get me the money I deserve or the right vacuum to clean up my blood and knocked out teeth.

3 Responses to “Phobia”

  1. Kelicious Says:

    The best late night infomercial is for the Washlette 2000, a heated toilet seat/bum cleaning system. They have testimonials!

  2. nicole Says:

    A little dirt never hurt anyone.

    And don’t be afraid. I’ll tell my family to protect you. Although, I don’t think I can tell my uncles your last name. That might prompt them to join Salomone’s side. We’ll pretend your last name is…Calzone. It’s Italian and a favorite dish. With that, they’ll definitely take your side.

  3. Amy Says:

    how about Jim Sokolove? When doctors make mistakes, HE makes them PAY!

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