I’m sure most, if not all, of you put aside everything that was going on in your life in order to watch one very important hour of television last night, as I did. And if you didn’t, then I hope your soul hasn’t become too sullied by all the demon pixies that have stolen it to wipe their evil, sinful crevices.
Strap yourself in, because I’m about to give you some spoilers on the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy, complete with bullet points, angry words and an ample amount of capital letters.
*Meredith is a cheating, filthy whore. I believe we all need to come to terms with this one right off the bat. This being said, I think the CFW [cheating filthy whore] is preggo with a bastard child. If dramas have taught me ANYTHING, it is that regardless of sex statistics [only %8 of unprotected sexual acts end in pregnancy], you’re gonna get big. So of course, CFW will start showing her bump sometime around Christmas time. Congratulations, you fickle asshat. Santa’s bringing you cramps and sore nipples.
*You took my advice, Sandra Oh, and I’m proud of you. You’ve begun to open up to Burke and take care of him in his time of need. I’ve even noticed via previews that you’ve begun to slut it up, red lace and hospital bed style, for your man. It takes a brave woman to blow her man in front of his mommy. You may want to take it easy, though. SMALL steps, Sandra. Small steps.
*Addison. Try and make it a little more apparent that you’re pregnant, please. I don’t think the deaf, dumb and dead crowd have caught on yet. What will you do with your life and baby once you find out your husband slutted it up on a gurney with the intern? I wonder what those family birthday parties will look like…
What am I saying. According to the Rules of a Drama, one of you is going to get tragically hurt and lose the baby. We’ll all cry a lot, then say how much we can’t wait for next week.
Oh. And stop being such a sick and twisted panties stealing freak. I hope Merideth had scathing crabs all up and down her cabbage patch and that you get them all over your face.
*Derek. Oh sweet, adulterous horny assed Derek. It must be SO hard being you. I can only imagine what it’s like to receive the paycheck of a prominent doctor, have two women lusting after you and having the nickname ‘McDreamy’. I think it would be best if you just throw yourself off the space needles into a small pool of glass and alcohol, because I don’t think your two kids could handle you deciding to LEAVE THEM for someone you think to be PRETTIER or YOUNGER. Stupid McPrick.
*I think we can skip the whole Callie and George situation. She’s still an eastern European wrestler and he’s nothing more than a pansy. I wonder how many more different scenarios the writers have up their sleeves that will prevent George from saying ‘I love you’ to Callie. Because I usually put ‘bubonic plague’ at the end of my list.
*Alex. He’s boring and therefore is dead to me. NEXT.
*Did I miss something during this episode, or has Miranda become all the sudden an emotional BASKET CASE?! She never used to cry like this before over a dead patient. But now, I feel as if a patient could come in with the clap and she’d crumble to her knees in a blubbering mass of tears.
*I’m calling it now. Since Richard’s wife [FINALLY] left him, he’s gonna start bumping nasties, medically speaking, with Miranda. On the following Friday, you can find me in the hospital receiving cornea transplants, on account of my previous corneas up and decided to explode in my head after witnessing what can only be described as the opening act of your orientation to life in Hell.
*The last thing any of us need [read: first thing, as we are all hungry for drama] is for Izzie to make it back into the hospital as a surgeon, only to see her dead Denny’s visage in the face of an old man having emergency shingles surgery. Pick up a job at the 7/11 and let that be that.
This all being said, I can’t fucking WAIT for next Thursday at 9 pm.