Do Deaf Kids Scream?…MUTES! I Need Mutes…

On less than a week’s notice, I decided to forego another nightmarish weekend in the Boston suburbs and flew down to Philadelphia. Tiffany, who now has a job with the Antiques Roadshow, invited me to stay with her for the weekend and help out on the set. So I hopped on a plane and made my way to the city of brotherly love. Which, I have decided, is a slogan dripping with gay euphemisms. Everyone in Philly is gay. Everyone.

Yes, even you.

But for now, that’s neither here nor there.

On the plane ride down to Philly, I was faced with a lot of major life choices. Mainly, choices having to do with children.

I’ve never been on a flight before that had more children on it in my life. I began to wonder if maybe Barney was on board somewhere, and these toddlers had somehow managed to coerce their parents with tantrums and tears to board the plane in the hopes of a face to face encounter with the big purple dinosaur [see? gay].

Having not employed any amount of foresight at ALL, I decided to sit in the center of this den of child terrors. Bad life choice.

It is now my firm belief that children have no right to crying. They are the pampered people of our society. They are fed what is basically pre-chewed food, get carried from place to place, are supplied with hundreds of different toys for their amusement, and even have their asses wiped for them. You’ve nothing to cry about, you little asshole.

Sitting behind me was a little girl, about 2-3 years of age. The sounds that she emitted from her mouth were INCREDIBLE. As she screamed, her pitch just kept going higher and higher, without her having to take a break for any type of breathe. As I peered between the cracks in the seat, I saw that she had contorted her body into a contortionist’s wet dream, having made it impossible for her mother to get her to sit up straight.

With the tone one uses when speaking with a customer service representative that you secretly hate, the mother looks down at her daughter and says They require you to sit up straight. Sorry.

That was it. She didn’t try to get the screaming to stop. She didn’t attempt to unwrap her daughter from herself. She didn’t even look apologetic.

What she DID do [holding true with the notion that babies are our royal rulers] was attack her baby with kisses on her belly and loving caresses from her baby blanket.

I’ve never owned a child before, but I’m pretty sure that when you have a 30 pound animal that is doing it’s best to make sure that your ear drums never work the same way again, trying to tickle it with kisses and rubbing it’s face with a blanket isn’t the best course of action.

Meanwhile, throughout all of this, was kind little Geddrick. At 3 1/2 years old, he sat next to me on the flight, looking out the window. The biggest issue his mother had with him was getting him to sit up straight for the descent. Which took her a few moments and a harsh tone. And he complied.

The best part of the flight, though, was when Geddrick realized what a bitch the little girl behind us was being. During her siren like screams, Geddrick would look at both his mother, then me. At the highest pitch of her scream, Geddrick would all the sudden open his mouth and let loose a short, high pitched blast that dwarfed whatever the little monster behind us was doing. But since he let loose at the apex of her screams, everyone on the plane figured it was this little girl that kept causing hearing aides to combust and windows to shatter.

I’ve never seen a little boy more proud of himself in my life.

It got to the point where the screaming became part of my life. Like a soundtrack. They say people who live near airports never hear the planes fly over, because they’ve become to accustomed to the sound [I’m willing to bet those townloads of people all looked up into the sky as our plane flew overhead, a faintly audible, high pitched cry slowly flying past their houses]. Well, these screaming had become part of mine. I couldn’t imagine the rest of my life without this little girl screaming into my ear. Walk in the park. Screaming girl following me, 3 feet behind. Reading a book. Screaming girl standing next to the chair. Showering in the morning. Screaming girl sitting on the toilet.

So when the screaming stopped, I jerked my head up. What happened?! I peeked between the cracks of the chair, and lo and behold, mother had finally taken action.

There was that screaming, bawling banshee bitch, tears streaming down her beet red face. With half of her blanket in her mouth.


4 Responses to “Do Deaf Kids Scream?…MUTES! I Need Mutes…”

  1. V-Grrrl Says:

    This is your funniest post EVAH.

    You had me at “You’ve nothing to cry about, you little asshole.”

    John, two-year-olds are God’s way of saying “NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN.” Of course, you pampered gays don’t have to worry about conceiving a little ear blaster. “You’ve nothing to cry about…” : )

  2. Brooke Says:

    Oh God. Is this what I have to look forward to? Of course my little angel will NEVER be like that. That kid’s going to be traveling back and forth to the UK so much that THEY WILL LEARN TO BEHAVE APPROPRIATELY FROM THE START.

    (Commence with the tears of laughter…)

  3. Annie, The Evil Queen Says:

    My m-i-l once flew out here to CA from MO with The Mother Of The Year. TMOTY decided that the day they were flying several hours on an airplane filled with strangers to a new and strange place would be the PERFECT day to take away her daughter’s security blanket. The crying, screaming, and carrying on got so bad that the flight attendants actually told TMOTY to just give the kid the blanket since she was disturbing everyone on the plane. My m-i-l was in need of a very strong drink when she arrived.

  4. Candi Says:

    Hey – I’m just a stalker, don’t mind me…

    There was a comedian once (I believe John Leguizamo, but not positive) who said parents are like little baby roadies – with backpacks, strollers, bottles, diapers – making the babies like little rockstars. Fitting. Tantrums and all!

    As for the screaming in the plane… LOVE the blanket in the mouth and Geddrick. Hysterical. I have three young kids and have boarded planes with all three praying novenas the entire time that they behave – and usually they do.

    I actually had some guy say to me – before a flight even started and my child had a chance to make a peep – “I didn’t ask for the screaming child section”. I only had one with me at the time.

    I must admit, I let her cry that flight out. Eh, it was short, he’ll get over it. If not, I’m sure he’s sterile now after the experience. Ass.

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