Yes, Master. Igor Will Get Your Iced Mocha Latte With Skim Milk With Extra Espresso Shot.

With the job hunt picking up steam, I’ve started to open myself up to a lot more avenues than I had previously allowed myself. For example, I’ve been applying to jobs in Boston. The reason why this is a big step is simple.

Too much exposure to my family, and I may pull a Lizzie Borden and put an end to all the suffering.

Ax murdering jokes aside, I’ve begun to notice how much is actually out there in terms of jobs, and as a result, how much I’m actually qualified for. Which is very exciting, especially for a recent graduate. Whole world at my feet and all that jazz.

The best job I’ve come across so far was posted on craigslist. The REASON I call it the best job ever is only because of the laugh factor I got out of it. As the assistant to the CEO…

Responsibilities include, but are not limited to…
*Accompany CEO on trips to Boston, New York City and Miami offices.
*Keep a schedule of meetings and deadlines in Blackberry.
*Be able to go over that morning’s financial headlines while at the gym with CEO at 7 am.
*Be able to work on little sleep.
*Maintain contacts and schedule meetings, also think of creative bar/bat mitzvah gifts and gifts for others (media, contacts, cops) to send.
*Write small press releases, possibly at 3 am.
*Be the contact between the CEO and the media.
*Basically, be CEOs bitch.*

The benefits, though, were the best part…
*24/7 car service.
*24/7 body guard service
*Keys to the company house in the Hamptons
*Free gym/LA membership
*Expense account
*$250,000 salary

All I needed to do to apply was send in a pitch and a picture. Yes, that’s right. A photograph was one of the deciding factors as to whether or not I landed the job of biggest paid boot licker on the East Coast.

Knowing full well I wouldn’t get the job, I decided to have fun with the application. In the first part of my pitch, I explained a little about myself. Blah blah blah. The last part, though, is where I really shined.

In writing this, I realize you are probably going to receive dozens, if not hundreds, of pitches for this position, and that there is very little I can say in order to surpass the others. More than likely, this will be just another read in several during a coffee break or between meetings. The only thing I ask is that you take a chance and give me a call. The worst that can happen is that you choose someone else. The best is that you get a great new assistant. I’d also like to point out this is the first time I’ve ever used a ‘Why Not?’ strategy in a job application. It is the best course of action I believe you can take when interviewing potential candidates. Should you call me in for an interview? Sure, why not?

If the What the hell, sure! strategy didn’t clinch it for me, I sent in these to pictures to seal the deal.
How can you NOT resist that face?! Don’t you want this guy to be at YOUR beckoned call? Come on, now. Sure, the second picture may be of me about to do a shotgun [aka sucking down a whole beer out of a hole in a beer can] but isn’t that the type of DRIVE and DETERMINATION you need in a high profile advertising company?!

If your employees aren’t able to do even that, then I don’t think I want to associate myself with such a place.

And, um, apparently they’re fine not associating with me. I’m gonna miss those bodyguards and that hefty salary that could support me and my lifestyle choices [i.e. helper monkeys and unicorns].

Back to the hunt.

*I added that last one in there, in case you couldn’t tell.
**Also, I’m blonde again. The redhead phase lasted just for second semester.


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