Undergoing Internal Renovations

I talked to you all about a problem that has been really hard for me to deal with awhile ago. Well, it’s progressed.

All the sudden, one day, it hit me. I’ve no idea what is going on in this person’s life. I don’t know anything about him anymore, yet I would still get myself worked up over this whole situation when it is very apparent, nearly 5 months after he needed a ‘break’, that he has no intention of ever trying to resolve the problem. I’m insignificant to him, yet I am still wondering and waiting. Pathetic or not pathetic?


So I emailed him. I know I said that I wouldn’t do that because I refused to be put in the position as the person who is delivering the bad news. But it had moved to a level of pure disrespect. All the email said was I’m done. Goodbye.

I thought about writing a big long email, telling him why I can’t wait on this. Explaining my reasoning. Then I realized he doesn’t deserve that. I don’t have to explain myself to people like that [ie those who condone and take part of bigoted behavior], because I don’t owe them anything.

I used to be a roller coaster. Someone whom I’ve trusted more than any other person, who knew me better than anyone, had turned their back on me. This is the first time in my life where I had that mutual best friendship. The one where someone could say to either of us Who’s your best friend? and we’d both answer the other person. It was hard.

Other times I got so angry. Angry to the point where I wished unhappiness on him, so that I know he feels as bad as I do. I fantasize about being able to just yell at him, insult him or embarrass him in some way that when I look at him, I know he hurts. I even day dreamed about going off on his girlfriend by calling her a homely looking bitch who smiles like a dog [which isn’t nice. Witty and true, maybe. But not nice].

I hated that feeling. The feeling of wanting to cause someone else pain. To get back at someone. It disturbs me that I could feel this way about someone, never mind that this someone used to be my best friend. I’m disgusted with myself that I want to do these things.

It was all because of that feeling. When you see someone who hurt you a LOT, and they are having the time of their lives. So you wonder if they even feel sorry for what they did at all. Because they sure don’t look like they ever felt bad for a single second, and you’re left feeling like an ass for ever caring.

That was awhile ago, though. Now, I’ve reached the point where I know I’m better off. I have my friends. There’s no need to waste my time on someone as worthless as he. And I began to get better.

Until word reached me that the girlfriend began spreading lies about me. This is where the whole scenario turns into a giant Springer storyboard. She had been going around saying that I hate her because I want him. While I admit there were feelings at one time, I had gotten over those, and he and I were rebuilding our friendship.

The thing that really got me was that I was being referred to as John The Gay RA. To whittle me down to nothing more than my sexuality is extremely belittling, not to mention highly insensitive of the person doing it. I decided this needed to be addressed, and I emailed him, asking him to tell his girlfriend to please put a stop to this. I got a little sassy in the email, saying While I appreciate the new surname of John ‘The Gay RA’, I’ve become somewhat attached to my real name over the past few years. No response.

A week later, I was at happy hour when a friend approached me and told me that some people were talking about me. Some of the things these people [who are friends of the girlfriend] were saying were right on par with what was being spread about me. I went home. For some reason, whenever I hear people gossiping about me, I feel dirty. I emailed again, basically saying keep my name out of her mouth. No response.

I know there are people who played no role in this story, now, who have a completely perverted sense of what actually happened. Every so often a tiny word gets back to me. But whatever. I’ve got less than 40 days left, and then I’m off to the real world. It is a great relief to think about that.

And maybe if the girlfriend got stung in the face by a bee and had an allergic reaction that ended up being permanent, thereby leaving her in a perpetual state of elephantiasis of the head, drawing crowds of children who pay each other a dollar to run up and touch the lumpy lady. That’d be nice, too.

Oh. And please donate to fight cancer. Pleeeease.

[Thanks very much to those who already have!]


6 Responses to “Undergoing Internal Renovations”

  1. V-Grrrl Says:

    She sounds so immature.

    And since she’s dissed you and so has your former friend, I hope they both step in dog shit on their wedding day and the stink follows them every day of their marriage.

    Wasn’t that a mature response? Yeah, I thought so. There are certain times of the month when my inner wise woman is overcome by my bitch mama. And y’know what, sometimes that’s GOOD. ; )

  2. Irish Eyes Says:

    The thing is, if she did get stuck by a bee and become hideous, (which I also wouldn’t be sad about) he would leave her. You know why.

    I know what it’s like to feel like the only person who can fill that void is that person. But I want you to know I want you to be happy more than you know.

  3. Annie, The Evil Queen Says:

    Anyone with an ounce of sense will know that she’s telling tales to make herself look important. And walking away from those situations is the smart and mature thing to do. Even though it would be much more fun to throw boiling coffee at her.

    Maybe a whole hive of bees will attack. Preferably while she’s in the shower and has no defense but the shower curtain.

    He’s obviously made his choice and is not worthy of your time and friendship. Let’s sic some wasps on him.

  4. Brooke's m-i-l Says:

    Let it go, John. You know who and what you are, and your true friends know, too. Forget about this person and move on. It will always hurt when you think about it, but all you can do is try not to think about it, and it will get less as time passes.

    Yes, the hurt will still be there, but I promise you it will get less. Move on, man! Don’t let them matter. Let it go!

  5. Brooke Says:

    What a bitch. That’s all I gotta say.

    Keep your chin up.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    dont care about what she says. shes low. people like tht dont evn deserve discussing. is it stupid to hope tht one day people like this will mature and realize tht they were being assholes? i wonder if itll evr hppn…..

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