It’s Almost Time!

On Wednesday, I leave for Austin. I am traveling 1708 miles. I am driving for 26 hours and 25 minutes.

It’s time for some SxSW action.

Adam taught me how to drive his car, which was quite possibly the more frustrating events I’ve experienced within the past few weeks. Driving. Stick. Suuuucks.

Why oh WHY, in this day of modern marvels, do we have a machine that has three pedals that need more attention than a starving baby?! Start the car. Ease off the clutch as you step on the gas. BUT NOT THAT HARD!

Okay. The engine stalled. Start again from the beginning. There we go…easy…easy on the gas…

The engine stalled again. Too much gas.

Well that’s fucking great. Okay. Start the car again. Hold down the clutch and the break. Let go of the break, ease up on the clutch…okay…here it comes…feel it…wait for the car to tell you it needs gas…wait. for. it…

Stall. The car told me to just fuck myself.

It took me so damn long to get the handle of moving into first gear, I could swear seasons were changing. To me, there is no rhyme or reason to any of it. At all. If you drive a stick, you’re crazy. Insane. Wanting to cause issues.

Sidenote. I’m not a bad driver. I’m comfortable doing all the fun driving tricks, and sometimes I’m even nice to pedestrians. But when I’m driving a stick? I will be DAMNED if you cross in front of my path, thereby making me down shift. I’m sorry, but my maintaining my speed and gear is so much more important that your life. Jump the hell out of my way, because I will not slow down while you saunter across the street. So you can suck a fart out of my ass.

After I managed to get the general idea of the whole thing, I decided I earned a prize, so I went to Dunkin Donuts and grabbed two chocolate glazed donuts.

I ate only one because the man behind the counter had the hygienics of a socially awkward but highly horny chimpanzee. He put my first donut into the bag, but then got distracted by some sort of coffee issue. He went searching for a filter while then passing off a used filter to his coworker. After he checked the drawers and cupboards for god only knows what, he went back to my donut order.

He did all this with his hand in my donut bag.

He was hairy.

Don’t start saying how gross that is yet.

I got back to my room, and was really hungry and felt like I deserved those donuts after the whole car episode [I hate first gear so much, it makes me want to scream and hit things] that I ate it. I didn’t care that Donut Man was fingering my donut hole for an unusually uncomfortable amount of time. I wanted to eat. And I wanted chocolate donuts.

And it was good. Mmm that hairy glazed donut just melted in my mouth, filling me with chocolatey goodness and a small little man’s furry hairball.

But it was still so good.

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8 Responses to “It’s Almost Time!”

  1. Brooke's M-I-L Says:

    As someone who’s never driven anything but ‘a stick’, I can tell you that once you’ve got it, you never forget. My driving instructor (all those years ago) called it ‘muscle memory’. Even when you switch from one car to another, where the clutch has a different ‘biting point’, you adjust really quickly.

    Oh, and my husband is very hairy. Over the years you think you’ve got used to eating hairballs with everything, and then sometimes ….. >>:-/

    Do you know that in Jewish law you can cite something you’ve previously put up with as grounds for divorce, if you say,”I thought I could stand it, but I find that I can’t!” >>;-)

  2. The_Scumfrog Says:

    You’re a natural at the stick kid… Whatever that means. I dare say that one one day you may “own” the stick. But till then its night time driving for you.

    Look at the brightside even with all the car troubles we get to 1. Go to a warmer climate. 2. Rock out in Austin 3. Meet some really cool ass people. So all in all you will learn to love 1st gear, you have no other choice.

  3. #1 Dancer Says:

    JOHN!!! Dooce has her comments open AND she’s planning a ‘meet up’ with anyone that wants to meet her in Austin on Monday. You have to be there – to represent! And tell us all about it!!

  4. Melodious Says:

    Yeah – what #1 Dancer said . ..

    And she can probably vouch for the fact that I drive a stick. And yes – I’m somewhat crazy. Insane. With issues.

    You think you’re having fun NOW? Wait until you get stuck on I-35 in Austin & have to constantly downshift during “rush” hour.

    THAT, my friend, is why we stick drivers have issues.

  5. Sandra Dee Says:

    Oooo. You should enjoy SXSW.

  6. Melanhead Says:

    This guy brought donuts to work one time and they were showered with cigarette ash.

  7. Annie, The Evil Queen Says:

    I’m one of those people who knows how to drive a stick in theory but never doees it and so, therefore, I suck at it too. I do have a motorcycle license though and did not have trouble learning to shift that (Not that I’ve driven a motorcycle in almost 10 years…).

    I LOVE that Jewish law. Thank you so much for pointing it out Brooke’s m-i-l! I’m from New York and have always found Jewish folks to be very pragmatic.

    Have a great time in Austin. Which hair color did you finally decide upon?

  8. amy Says:

    im so excited for you!! take lots of pictures with the armstrong celebs!!

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