Archive for February, 2006

I’m Random

February 15, 2006

There have been a lot of little things on my mind recently that I just haven’t been able to put into full posting glory. You probably all have had the same problem. You find something fun, interesting, or just noteworthy but for the life of you, it’s impossible to make it a full post. Or even one worth reading.

So fuck it. I’m just putting all my random thoughts down right now, and combined, they will make up a homemade quilted post. Isn’t that nice? Yah, I know.

*Joan Rivers is going to turn 73 this June. If that isn’t fucked up in every single which way imaginable, then I don’t know what is. Her whole body can’t be done in plastic surgery, can it? CAN IT?! So does that mean she has saggy wrinkly parts, and then, all of the sudden, there are solid young looking parts? Can you imagine what that would look like? It’s like putting together a leathery old baseball mitt and a linoleum counter top.

*I talked about Tom Cruise and how he is crazy as hell [maybe he has syphilis?] a few months ago. Then I got reminded about him and how, if he could, he’d raise a baby as the antichrist [scientology…come on, now], ditch his human wife and begin to kill people.

*When I told you how to say fuck in sign language, apparently I was not specific enough. There are TONS of signs for the word. The plain old regular fuck is holding up the peace sign with both hands, then bumping thumbs together. The two fingers on each hand are supposed to represent the legs.

The one I taught you still means fuck. Only a little more descriptive. It actually means butt fuck. This is a classy blog.

*I have 3 or 4 random hairs that grow on my back. Different than all the others. I don’t have a hairy back at ALL, but everyone has a little fuzz. Right? RIGHT?! But I get these random long hairs. They bother me.

*I love it that TNT plays the X-Files late at night when I’m either writing or doing homework. What a great show. Fox and Scully are hot for two reasons. Firstly, their names. Who wouldn’t want to make out with a Fox or Scully? Secondly, they are just hot. Good. Old. Fashioned. Hot.

Also, just this very moment, Fox was in the Syracuse airport, otherwise known as Hancock [not so] International Airport. So cool.

*Happy Pulsing Pimple Day. This verifies everything I have ever believed. Thanks to my staff members for showing me this and zefrank for making it.

*I hate you, Santino. With the fury of a thousand hells, I hate you.

There. Now pretty much everything that has been on my mind but not been able to leak out has finally found it’s way to text. And I feel SO much better.

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I May Not Be Faster Than A Speeding Bullet, But I’m Faster Than A Bus

February 14, 2006

Sex With John went off without a hitch. I kept my residents in the dark until they got to the meeting before telling them what to do. The program was kind of similar to a post I wrote way back in the day.

Interesting sidenote. The girls all showed up late for Sex With John. All the guys on my floor showed up early. With condoms. Hmm.

Anyways, the program went something like this. I had a bag with 100 pieces of candy in it, with each candy representing something. Each time you choose a piece of candy, you are having unprotected sex. For example, there were 17 York Peppermint Patties, which, if you picked one, meant you were lucky and experienced no consequence for your actions. However, I also had 8 Lemonheads, which meant you or your partner became pregnant. 8 out of every 100 women will get prego during a single act of unprotected sex.

Also, because 1 out of every 4 sexually active college students get some type of STD, there were 25 pieces of candy that represented different STDs. These inlcuded Milky Ways [genital warts], Snickers [chlamydia], and a Ring Pop [syphilis]. SYPHILIS, by the way, can cause blindness, paralysis, heart disease, insanity or death.

Did that register with you the same way that it registered with me? INSANITY?! There is an STD out there that causes INSANITY?! If that doesn’t make you flaccid, then you are a better man than I. And probably hornier. Well. Probably not.

After we did that, I took a bunch of fun sex facts and turned them into questions. I then split the residents into two groups, where they had to answer the questions in order to win a pizza party.

They weren’t normal sex facts either. They were fun, ice breaker sex facts. The kind that you could use to go up to ANYONE in ANY bar ANWHERE and immediately get at least a smile. Or a slap in the face. Here are a few gems…

Jazz fans and gun owners are among the most sexually active Americans.

Humans are the only species on Earth to have face-to-face sex.

One tablespoon of semen contains 10 calories.

The clitoris contains an estimated 6,000 to 8,000 nerve endings — about the same number as the penis. Its sole purpose? Sexual pleasure.

The average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime? 7,200. 2,000 of them are from masturbation.

The average speed of ejaculation is 28 mph. The average speed of a city bus is 25 mph.

The residents loved it. Despite being told that Skittles are gonorrhea and Twix are genital herpes, I’ve never seen a bag of 100 pieces of candy go faster in my life. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a group of college students seriously discuss how fast they think jizz shoots out the head of a penis. So tonight was a night of firsts, I guess.

What a great way to kick off Pulsing Pimple Day.

Because There’s Nothing Sexier Or More Romantic Than Talking About Herpes

February 13, 2006

I haven’t put on a program for my floor in awhile, so I’ve been debating what I should do. Personally, I hate the regular type of programs, like root beer pong. God. If I don’t do another alcohol related program surrounding roofies, BAC levels and what to do if your roommate pukes all over themselves, it will be too soon.

I decided to use the holiday from hell as my muse. Valentine’s Day. If anyone out there likes this holiday, then I don’t like you. Everywhere you look, there are couples who are touching kissing and being a general pulsing pimple on the face of the world. Not to mention the whole idea of picking one day to celebrate love is just insane. Why not pick a day to celebrate bowel movements or antiquing or infomercials or hummus?

No. To pick one day is just ridiculous. All these things, like love, should be celebrated all the time.

I just quivered a little. That is the sappiest thing I’ve ever said EVER. Ugh.

Anyways, I was trying to think how I could incorporate Pulsing Pimple Day in my programming when it struck me. What does everyone who’s lucky enough to have a Pulsing Pimple do on Pulsing Pimple Day? They have sex. And there we have it.

Sex with John. Monday night. In the lounge. 10 pm. Get ready for a good time.

If no one shows up, I’m going to be pissed off.

Blogs Blogs Everywhere!

February 10, 2006

Right now I’m sitting on my futon in my room watching Isaac on the Style Network. Sometimes I worry that his stylist is blind and just didn’t tell anyone that when they got hired for the position. His hair looks like he stuck his finger in an electric socket, then took a shower. That’s just my random thought for the moment.

So I have been sitting here trying to figure out a way to write this without sounding like I’m high on myself. So I’ll just blurt it out, and you can take it as it is. People have started blogging because of me. There. I said it. And I hope you all don’t think I’m an ass.

So are we ready for introductions? Okay great.

Bridget? Adam? This is Internet. Internet? This is Bridget and Adam.

Adam. Don’t touch Internet like that.

Just a brief history of the relationships. I’ve known Bridget since the first month of freshmen year. We were both on hall council together [she was Vice President of Day Hall, and I was floor president of Day 5] and became good friends through that. She decided to throw all of us for a loop second semester sophomore year by going to Ohio State University.

She came back a week later. She missed us.

Bridget ended up graduating early from college, and, like I mentioned in a previous post, has moved on down to D.C. to work and live and wreak havoc. And she started a blog to chronicle it all.

Adam I met at the beginning of the academic year. He was in two of my classes last semester, Performance Studies and Contemporary Lit [was that the title? I can’t remember…]. He’s also the friend I’m driving down to Austin with, as that is his hometown. This works out perfectly, because now I have a place to stay and someone to come with me to the awards. I’m not sure if he knows this, but he’s skipping whatever film is going on because I’ll be damned if I’m at the awards by myself.

He has always had a blog, but it was a Xanga and he rarely updated. Now he’s on a roll, with three posts [in a row!] and still planning on doing more. You’re welcome, Adam. You can find a way to repay me.

So there you go. Two brand new sites for you to take a look at. Drop in and say hello. It will make them feel happy.

Happy…

Happy Hour. I’ve got to go get ready. Have a good weekend!

The Only Negative Thing About Her Is That She Likes And Defends Kenny Rogers And His Music

February 9, 2006

A little over two years ago, I was a sophomore in college. It was my first year as an RA, which translates into me being way too happy, enthusiastic, and a gross over achiever. I’m not going to lie to you. Because whenever you tell a lie, Baby Jesus falls from heaven.

Back to the post. So back during sophomore year, I met one of my very best friends. We only were in the company of one another for that academic year, because afterward she graduated, she left and went off to New York City to become a famous and well known designer. The computer, art, and intellectual kind. Not the Santino kind.

So while we only were in the same location for less than a year, we maintained contact. We began talking online a lot and keeping in touch randomly throughout the summer. She came back to her Alma Mater to visit [mainly because she was dating the issue…but that’s okay] twice during my first semester of junior year. Even through their whole situation or whatever you choose to call it, we still talked.

Now, we talk pretty much everyday online. I haven’t seen her in over a year, which I really regret, but we still maintain very close contact. My day actually feels a little weird if I don’t at least say hi to her during the course of the day. And several times she has said to me that it’s weird for her if I’m not online during the day [I think it’s because she has a huge crush on me]. Which is hardly ever, because AIM to me is like a shot of espresso right into the eye. God, it’s like a delicious, evil illegal drug that you just can’t help but shove into your vein over and over again. Uhhhh. AIM. I wish you could touch me.

The thing that spurred all this on is kind of a weird, coincidental combination of two recent occurrences. First off, Courtney has been on a fucking role in the witty department. She’s made my away message SEVERAL times within the past week. She knows my favorite word [it’s whore…she’ll testify…I love the word because it is one of the very few in the English language that can be said without any harsh sounding consonant or vowels…it just rolls off the tongue…also because it is funny] and accepts and loves it. Well. Maybe not loves it. She loves satiate. Slightly different than whore. My other recent CCD gem [her initials…relax Courtney, they can’t find you] is Most people don’t crave penis.

In case you haven’t gathered, she’s a classy chick.

The other thing that reminded me of her is when I checked my email the other day. The way my school email works is this. If the system reads two or more similar or same subjects, it moves up past subjects to a recent similar subject. So if I get an email that says Increase your penis size in less than 3 weeks! [jeez…two penis jokes in a matter of moments…can you handle this? CAN YOU?!] all of my other same Increase your penis size! emails get brought up to the front.

So I see an email from her at the top of my list the other day, dated November of 2004. It is an email I sent her, then her response. It reads…

If you took the $160,000 you would spend on college and spent it on condoms
($.83 each), you could have sex 132 times a day, or 5.5 times an hour. If that sounds excessive, you could have sex 3 times a day, buy a keg per day (for entertainment), a Cadillac Escalade, and still have $11.85 left over for weed every day for 4 years.

It is 1 40 in the God damn morning, and I am writing a paper about comparing two hideously awful films and their relevance to me. The only thing they have in common is that they both made me want to die a slow, painful death as opposed to continue what was possibly my hell in VHS format. Meanwhile, someone who is much smarter than me (aka the college dropout) is having sex, drinking beer, and getting high.

I get my kicks by cheating the vending machine out of an extra bag of Doritos (Cooler Ranch) by still only paying 80 cents. That’s something for me to write home about.

Hello, my name is John, and I hate my higher education.

She replied…

hahaha…you are insane. please start a blog. seriously. thats a perfect entry. you should do it.

So long story short, I owe Courtney a lot of credit for this blog. She’s the one who started me thinking on all of this website shit. Even though I didn’t start it for a long time after she mentioned it, she is the one who started turning the gears. So we should all thank Courtney for having a HUGE hand in the creation of this all.

Thanks, Courtney! I’ll probably be already talking to you right now, and then you’ll say John you wrote a post about me?! That’s so sweet!

Wait…you used my INITIALS?!

Shhh Courtney. Shhh. Enjoy the notoriety.

I Love Live Music

February 8, 2006

Tonight I got a taste of SxSw. And. I. LOVED it.

Mates of State came to perform tonight in the Schine Student Center Underground. They had two opening acts, one of which was reminiscent of Howie Day, but a little more lively, and another that kind of sounded like Rilo Kiley. They were pretty good.

I was pissed, though. The two opening acts took so DAMN long, I only got to hear about 3 songs from Mates of State before I had to leave for a meeting. A godforsaken meeting. I’m tired of them. I want them to end. I want to be able to just sit naked in my room, watch TV, and get drunk. Or go to concerts and get drunk. Actually, for the next few months it doesn’t really matter WHAT I’m wearing or WHERE I am as long as I’m drunk. Or at least pleasantly buzzed. Because, really, what else is needed in anything else ever? Right? Right.

One weird thing, though, about Mates of State’s performance. I don’t know a lot about Kori and Jason, the two people that make up the band. So I don’t know if they are lovers, married, brother and sister or what. But Jason makes weird ass faces at Kori when they sing. And when I say weird ass face, I mean something along the lines of an uncomfortable mix of an orgasm face and a surprise colonoscopy face. It got weird.

The music was still DAMN good though. They invited two students to come up on stage and dance for everyone, because apparently, according to Kori, these two people sent in a total of three different videos to Mates of State of them dancing to various songs.

No. Excuse me. Violently seizuring.

Originally, I was laughing. At them. A lot. But as the songs went on, I began to look at their choreographed thrashing as just fucking amazing. After I got out of the meeting, I ran back downstairs to see if I could catch the rest of the concert. I got a final song, then we all had to clear out. I did get to talk to Kori, though, and thanked her and Jason for coming and what not. I also told her I’m looking forward to seeing her in Austin. I may have high hopes, but I want to drink with her and Jason, too. Because they are that cool.

I mean, Kori plays the organ. Jason plays the drums. And that is their band. How cool is that?!

I think I get obsessed with people too easily. I’m still expecting to get drunk with Dooce, Blurbomat and Kottke. Will that happen? Probabably not.

Will I awkwardly approach them and try to make conversation, only to make myself seem like an immense dork while stumbling over words and making lame ass jokes that only I laugh at? Most defininitely.

Oh, and PS. I’ve had a case of senioritis since November of my sophomore year. When it comes to procrastination and apathy, I am your man. Trust.

Afterwards, I Had A Bacon, Egg & Cheese Bagel Breakfast Sandwich

February 7, 2006

As I write this, it is 10:28 in the am. There’s about 4 inches of powdery snow on the ground, and steadily getting deeper. It’s 21 degrees outside, with a wind chill factor high enough to make your ears fall off and your nipples weapons of mass destruction. The plowers are just slowly realizing that we’ve gotten some accumulation [the dreaded A word for any Northerners] and have gotten their lazy asses out of bed at the crack of 8 am to clear a way for students and cars.

This is, believe it or not, the first big snowfall that Syracuse has had all year. In previous winters, we’ve already lost a few students in the drifts, having to wait until the spring thaw to find them. The biggest loss was back in 2002-2003. We lost a lot of freshmen that year.

While writing this, I decided to look up some stats. It seems that Syracuse weather blows balls pretty much in every department. We only get 164 predominantly sunny days a year. During the winter, it has gone as low as -26 degrees [let’s not bring up the wind chill], and during the summer, it’s gone as high as 101 degrees, with some delicious humidity. We get about 107 inches of snow a year [though the last two or three years seem to dwarf that]. Our air quality is below the national average.

That all aside, it was about 18 degrees this morning, windy as hell [again…let’s not speak of the wind chill], and whiter than the Friends cast. Not a sidewalk or a street was plowed, and the only hope came from one of those tiny ass golf cart plows that was putting along across the street from me.

Why do I know all this for a fact? I was awake.

What time was I up this morning? 7 am.

Where was I? The gym.

What’s wrong with me? Everything.

The Countdown Has Begun…

February 6, 2006

I’m trying to figure out this whole Bloggies thing. I’m officially going to Austin for South by Southwest, and I’m paying a lot less than I thought I would be. One of my friends, Adam [you probably don’t even read this, do you?…Best Kept Secret is kind of a bite in the ass, isn’t it? Congrats for no one reading your blog!…even your friends] lives in Austin, so I’ll be driving, yes DRIVING, down with him. That’s 26 hours of pure, unadulterated road raging fun. Also, free housing. If that isn’t a sign Baby Jesus wants me to attend this festival, I don’t know what is.

I’ve been carrying around a notepad, writing things down that I need to get done before heading down to Texas. No I haven’t. There’s no notepad. I just don’t take notes in class and doodle instead and didn’t want to admit that a sentence or two ago.

Anyways.

Here’s what John needs to get done and what John needs to know before he leaves for Austin on March 8th or so.

*What do I wear for the ceremony thing? Nice jeans and a shirt? Pants? Does this call for a suit? I’ve really no idea, and I’m lost in the dark. If I don’t figure this out soon, I’ll be a color clashing catastrophe, and all the other bloggers will laugh at me and write mean entries about the kid at the conference who dressed like Screech Powers.

*Go tanning. If I go to sunny Austin with my skin this white, people will be in danger. When the sun hits me just right, I reflect light back at bystanders causing sun burns and discomfort. You may ask why that doesn’t happen daily. Well, Syracuse is where the sun goes to die. Right now, it’s corpse is rotting in the quad. All I know is that this pasty face cannot be in Austin without some artificial UV goodness.

*Decide upon a hair color. Will I keep it reddish slash dark for the awards? Or go back to blonde*? Blonder**?. Or even change the haircut? No. I like the cut. I don’t know. Now I’m doubting myself. Crap.

*Register for the whole damn event. That would help.

*What do bloggers do for fun there? Because listen to my idea. I figured I’d bring some college to the event by getting a few games going on. Beer pong. Asshole. Fuck the dealer. Anyone? Yes? No? Whatever. My goal is to play some pong with Jon, Heather and Jason, then do a round of celebratory shots with all the attending finalists. I’ll meet you at the bar.

*Find [or buy] a real digital camera to bring to the festival. The best scenario would be if I had a digital video camera so I could possibly post some video from SxSW? Maybe? Possibly? We’ll see.

*Come back with a month’s worth of posts. If that means I have to cause a scene in the middle of the festival just to create blog fodder, then so be it. I will give you all exciting stories, dammit!

*Meet fun new people. I love fun new people.

I think that’s about it in terms of questions I have and what needs to be done. Other than that, I’m pretty much set. Thank God the whole thing is happening during my spring break, because otherwise I’d have to exert the energy to come up with a lie about why I have to go to Texas for a week during classes. And I can’t wait to go shopping to get new clothes. An occasion like this SO calls for new clothes. H&M here I come.

God, I’m so gay.

*That’s the astounding Ari. She’s in France right now. Hi Ari!

**That’s the bodacious Bridget. She’s working in real life in DC. Hi Bridget!

Only Because I Love My Mac More Than Anybody [Or Anyone] Else

February 3, 2006

Anybody see Brokeback Mountain? Anybody? Small little movie about gay cowboys? Excuse me. Love. It’s about love.

Delicious gay love.

But love, nonetheless.

I went and saw it a few weeks ago with one of my classes. Actually. It was a class I took last semester [Contemporary Literature…we read an Annie Proulx novel, so our professor thought we should see Brokeback, because Proulx wrote the short story] and we ended up having a big discussion about the film afterwards. My professor is amazing, and she had us come over to her apartment [with WINE, BEER and POLISH CHEESE!] to discuss it. We talked about it forever. And it was great. The amount of topics that were brought up concerning the movie were immense…closet theory [as in gay person in the closet], homosexuality as an evil and a positive, gay representation, Asian-American films [Ang Lee, anybody?], and the list goes on and on.

I’ll spare you the long ass post about what I thought of it [though I’d like to hear what others think] but I will share with you a little parody about it.

I think…no, I know…why would I lie to you at this point…I lost a little bladder control while watching this. Only because I loved the parody THAT MUCH. Also because maybe I hadn’t peed in about 8 hours when I saw that.

Come to find out, whenever I pee, I always think of that scene in Liar Liar when Jim Carey says to the judge that if you don’t pee, it affects your prostate or something. I’m rambling. Maybe it is because I just got back from Chuck’s. The bar. I’m a senior with no Friday classes. Don’t judge.

I’m babbling. Here is the link. Enjoy!

I’ll Just Stick Her With Sondra…No One’s Heard From Her In Decades

February 2, 2006

Thanks to Tiffany, the plan is in effect. I’m one step closer to Raven Symone. Soon, we will become best of friends, and I will be all over the Disney set, meeting Phil of the Future and Lizze McGuire. NOT Zack and Cody. Slowly, I will gain their trust and be inducted into the Mickey Mouse Club, a much more violent and torturous initiation than most think. After they accept me into the fold and recognize me as Raven’s closest and dearest friend in the world, then it will happen.

With just a bit of chloroform, some rope and a rubber duckie, I will assume her identity and take over her life.