If Ruth Sees This, She Will Descend Upon Me Like A Vulture On It’s Prey

Every New Year’s day, I go to my friend’s house for a party. Danielle’s mother and grandmother always get their family coralled together for food, alcohol and games, and every year Danielle invites over some of her friends to partake in the festivities.

This year, we are all finally 21, which means we can fully enjoy the company of her extremely French Canadian [and Polish…because we all know Poles rock] family. I’m so glad I had some exposures left from my Rhode Island trip, because the photos I got are priceless.

In terms of Danielle’s family, my relationship with them is very simple. Basically, they love me. As I do them. But seriously, I’m amazed with the shit I get away with in that household. Especially when her mother would [and has] easily eviscerated someone for half the stuff that I’ve done.

Her mother, Ruth [whom Danielle and I used to call from my cell phone on the way home from work and scream, on the commuter rail mind you, THE RUTH! THE RUTH! THE RUTH IS ON FIRE! RAAAAISE THE RUTH!] is one of the coolest women you’ll ever meet. In one minute, she’ll offer you a seat in her kitchen, something to eat and drink, and smack you upside the head for no damn reason other than to feel like a big woman.

I forgot to mention. Ruth is about as tall as an 8 year old girl in her mother’s high heels. One of my favorite rips on her is to tell her to sit down and relax, because I would hate to see her hit her head on the table top as she runs underneath it. The last time I was at their house, I took a baby carrot and put it on top of the door frame. She had to stand on her tip toes on top of a chair to get it down.

To her credit, though, she is one of the few people who can go toe to toe with me in terms of jokes and playful ribs. She knows her place, though, because if she ever gets out of hand, I just pick her up and put her on top of the fridge. She knows the drill from then on out.

Anyways, when I got to Danielle’s house, Ruth and Mem [Danielle’s grandmother, who can have the same foul mouth on her as her granddaughter, but is still the sweetest woman you’ve ever met] were busy cooking their famous coconut shrimp and entertaining the cousins, aunts and uncles. I grabbed a beer, sat down and just listened in on the conversations. The most important [because it comes up later] being that most of Danielle’s family went to New Year’s Day mass at a church they’ve never been to before. They figured they would attend mass there, and continue on their way to the party.

Lo and behold, they went to one of the only Spanish speaking masses in the entire north shore. Now, Danielle’s family is by no means a diverse family. In fact, let’s be honest. They are as white as a bleached bed sheet. So imagine, if you will, a group of them sitting in a Spanish speaking mass. By the end, the only thing they know was Santos! Santos! Santos! Amen! Amen! Amen!

Now, fast forward from the telling of this story to about, oh, 2 hours later. Danielle and I decided to start a game of Catch Phrase. While her entire family was intoxicated. I love her whole family. I really do. But when half of them can’t read the clue, and the other half are a beer away from embalming themselves, Catch Phrase turns from a fun party game into an excercise of pain, bloodshed, verbal harrassment and food fights. Yes. Food fights. Started NOT by the youngest of the players. Oh no. But by the drunkest.

The woman to the far left is on the same team as the woman to the far right. As you can see, they are both on opposite spectrums of the emotional scale. One is angry as hell and the other is laughing like an ass. I forget what the clues were at this point in the game, but I know Auntie on the left is screaming every word in her currently prouncable vocabulary, and Cousin on the right is trying to hold in the pee. Both weren’t very good at their attempted jobs.

It got to the point that no one was playing on the same team anymore. Notice who has the disk in their hand. It’s Ruth. And notice how everyone else is trying to guess at the exact same time. I don’t really know what was happening at this point, because soon after this round, food started to be thrown. Or, more specifically, food started to be thrown at me. The only thing I know for certain after leaving Danielle’s home is that Hasbro is the bastard child of Jack Black and Satan. Seems like fun in the beginning, but then you end up screaming and yelling and swearing and accusing people of being evil assholes, and it is all because the buzzer went off while you were trying to get your team to say cute as a button.

After every round won [and come to think of it, every round lost] Danielle’s family would break into their drunken Catch Phrase cheer they learned earlier that day: SANTOSSANTOSSANTOS!!! AMENAMENAMEN!!! And without fail, they would stand up and rally together into clapping and yelling and dancing and howling. If it weren’t for my damn thumb, you could see Danielle’s cousin dancing in a very vulgar way to their religious chant. Actually…maybe it’s best that was mistakenly censored.

And finally…the family. In the picture on the top, we see, from left to right, Danielle, her younger sister Andrea [in case you can’t tell…Ruth, Danielle and Andrea all look exactly alike. They also speak alike, act alike, and have the power to bring to a stop airplanes and other massive machines with the power of their scream. Remember that oil spill in Alaska a few years back? They vacationed there a few days prior.], and the infamous Ruth*. And in the picture on the bottom, we see Ruth and her eldest child, my good friend Danielle. Even with the drunken food fight, angry yelling, and sacriligious Spanish church chants, I still had a blast.

*Special thanks to the Tiny Toddler organization for the use of their booster seat to aid Ruth in her needs.


7 Responses to “If Ruth Sees This, She Will Descend Upon Me Like A Vulture On It’s Prey”

  1. hemlock Says:

    Oh my god. This story had me howling.

    Great pics, but an even better story.


    Santos! Santos! Santos! Amen! Amen! Amen!

  2. #1 Dancer Says:

    [wiping tears and snot from face]
    Holy Bladder-Breaking, John!! I now know what it feels like to have delivered 22 children and have no control over my sphincter. I have to go clean up.
    You’re on a roll this week.

  3. Illusha Nokhrin Says:

    Great story… Don’t think I’ve ever heard of a game of Catchphrase turning into a foodfight.

    Oh, and by the way, vultures are scavengers, they don’t really have ‘prey’, per se…


  4. Chas Ravndal Says:

    nice pics and great party!!

  5. Miss Cellania Says:

    Wish this were my family. Sounds like a ton of fun!

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Okay John, Your in BIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGG trouble when I get my hands on you!!!!!

  7. John Says:

    Ruth, ladies and gentlemen.

    And just as a heads up, if this blog ends when I go home, check the basement of Ruth’s house for my body.

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