The other night, I had an email all written, addressed, and ready to be sent out. All I needed to do was click the Send button and it would be finished. But I couldn’t do it.
The only thing the email said was I’m done.
I haven’t been speaking with my best friend since early October, though we’ve been having issues since last January. It’s difficult to say where the problems started, though, because we’re both so in it, I think it is hard to discern what’s what.
A good part of the difficulties were caused by me. However it happened, I began to view him as an option for me. While I knew, realistically, that this wasn’t a scenario that could ever be entertained, I still kind of had a hope for things. Which turned out to be a painful experience for me.
After he and his girlfriend became official, things began to go downhill. For awhile, I struggled with a few things. Staying loyal to my best friend by befriending the girlfriend, and feeling all of those fun emotions that accompany jealousy. I did my best to separate the two, though, which turned out to be much more difficult than I had thought it could be. It was simple to associate with her when they weren’t official. I could easily say Hi, involve her in a conversation, and things like that.
It was when second semester of last year begun and when they started to be official was when it got hard. I made the decision sometime around late February to stop trying to be friends with the girlfriend. By this time, I was able to separate my feelings caused by jealousy and those that were unaffected by it. I can remember when I stopped trying to befriend the girlfriend. I was behind the library in the small parking lot. A car was trying to back up, but was kind of stuck in the ice. Finally, the driver revved the engine and sped backwards. I was never in danger of being hit, but it was damn surprising to see a car move that fast towards me. So I jumped. I saw the girlfriend and made a joke about it. She didn’t respond to me.
It had been about 7 months since I first started to try to talk to her. 7 months of saying Hello and, a few times, try to include her in conversation. I still didn’t know what her voice sounded like. I still don’t. She never would bother to even give me the time of day. He and I were speaking on a much less frequent basis, as well.
Things continued to go downhill for my friend and I. We would take breaks so we could have some time to figure things out. By this time, I had told him my feelings. To his credit, he took it much better than I ever would have thought, and wanted to find a way for us to remain best friends, if not better.
At the beginning of the summer, I decided that it would be best if he and I weren’t friends anymore. I didn’t want either of us to have to be constantly bothered or upset by the degradation of our friendship. I also worried that I would cause problems with his relationship. Even though I didn’t like her, I didn’t want to feel to be the cause of any fights or issues between them. Whether or not my decision was based in a lack of will power or as an attempt to deter further pain, I still don’t really know.
At the end of the summer, I decided to get back in touch with him. I missed my best friend, and I wanted him back in my life. His girlfriend had just broken up with him, so we had time to reconnect. I lost even more respect for her during the short period they were no longer together. She would call and tell him about the guy she met in Vegas, about how her friends were glad they broke up, and how some of her friends would kill him [metaphorically, of course] if they ever saw him.
After a few weeks, they got back together, and our friendship began to decline again. We began to speak and hang out a lot less. His time was devoted to her. We had more fights, more angry words, and finally, he decided that he needed a break to consider things. He told me that he had accidentally left his email open in her room, and she went through it all, reading everything I’d written to him. She told him she didn’t want him to hang out with me anymore. He agreed, saying that if he had to choose between his girlfriend and someone he doesn’t know, he’d choose his girlfriend. The only differentiating factor is our history.
He also told me that maybe it wasn’t her fault she never gave me the time of day. Maybe she was having a bad day. Or maybe she didn’t hear me. Both of which are highly improbable to occur for 7 months straight. Finally he said, maybe she is uncomfortable around me because I am gay.
That hit home. That really hurt.
So it’s been about 4 months, now, since we’ve spoken. I’ve moved through the whole range of emotions. I would defend his actions and try to rationalize everything. Then I would get angry and think how could my best friend listen to someone else when they tell him to not see me anymore. Or how could he be with someone who treated me like I didn’t exist. After the whole anger thing, I began to think that if things went about a certain way, then there would still be hope for our friendship.
Now, I’m kind of caught between the depression and acceptance stages. I mean, it’s still something that is very upsetting to me. I feel almost replaced. Like my friendship was one that could be shelved, then eventually replaced. It hurts to think of someone I was so close to choose to spend time with someone who treated me so transparently, possibly because of my sexuality. I mean, I would rather be treated negatively than treated like I don’t exist.
It hurts to think of how much time, energy, and love I put into a friendship could be ended by some one else with the demand of forget him. It scares me. I had thought that I had found a friendship that, years down the line, we could both say Remember, back in college? That was him. But now…now it’s different. I feel lied to. Used. Replaceable. Most of all, I feel betrayed. My faith in how I see others is shaken.
But if this is the way it is, then so be it. I’m ready for an answer to decided upon and handed out moreso than anything else. I’ve 3 months left in my college career, and I want to spend that time with the people that I know love and care about me as much as I do them.
I’m not sure if he reads this blog. I’m guessing no. I don’t want this to be a jab, an insult, or anything along those lines, which I was worried about while writing this entry. This was more of a release for me than anything else.
I was going to send the email. But I decided to wait. Maybe because I could have gone about the whole situation in a more mature way. I could have given her more or a chance. I could have never told him about my feelings regarding him OR her. Maybe because I’d rather him deal the final blow, so to speak. Maybe I still have hope. I don’t know why, really.
I just want an answer.