By The End Of This Story, You Will Hate Betty Too

Last night, one of my friends from home, Kristen, and I went out to grab a drink and catch up on the past few months, gossip, and just enjoy each other’s company. It’s been forever since just the two of us sat down and talked, so it was great to be able to just chill for a couple hours and have a confab, as my dashboard thesaurus would say.

We began telling stories to one another, which sparked this Academy award winning VERY MUCH TRUE story her mom told her and swore was true. TRUE AND REAL!

So her mom is a nurse at some company or what not, and sat down to lunch with a few of her co-workers one day. It was a Monday, so they were all filling each other in on their weekend and whatever, when they noticed one of the other nurses was kind of giggling over her salad. They turned and asked her What the fuck is so funny, Betty? Not really, but isn’t it funny to think of nurses named Betty swearing at one another?

Visualize. See? Funny.

Betty sat up and said My weekend beats the shit out all of you asses [see? nurses swearing…funny]. The following story [told from Kristen’s perspective] is true and I SWEAR is not falsified in any way to make for a great post. Swear. To. Baby. Jesus.

So my mom’s friend took her son to the aquarium for the first time this random weekend. He’s only about 8 years old or something and has autism, so she thought he would have a friggin’ blast seeing all the fish and whatever. So they packed lunches and headed into town. They got to the aquarium and the kid was high on life with excitement.

Then he got lost.

So she apparently freaked the fuck out and couldn’t find him. She looked everywhere for him, and he was gone. Can you imagine? What if he fell in the polar bear den or something? I mean, I’m sure they guard that thing, but still.

[Author’s note: I let her know that polar bears normally don’t inhabit the New England Aquarium, but yes…better safe than sorry.]

So after she couldn’t find him, she went to security and told them that she couldn’t find him at all. They immediately began looking for him, but still couldn’t find him after about 30 minutes. They finally had to clear out the aquarium so they could do a more extensive search of the facility without customers accidentally getting in the way. Right when they were about to break or whatever to find him, the little kid comes walking up to the group. Soaking. Wet.

Everyone began freaking out about it and tried to see if he was okay. They kept asking him why he was wet, but he would just shake his head and say nothing. So the officials said that maybe he would tell the mom when they got home, and no big deal. He’s safe, and that is what’s important.

So the mom took her kid home and immediately put him into a bath to warm him up. She went downstairs to get something, like coffee or whatever, and when she comes back, she has a panic attack.

Her son is splashing all the freak around in the tub with a baby penguin. Fresh from the aquarium via his little boy backpack.

The mother FREAKS out and calls the aquarium. The conversation went something like…

Good afternoon, this is the New England Aquarium!
HELLO?! HELLO! My son kidnapped a penguin!

What? Oh, it’s no big deal. It happens all the time. Just tell him it’s wrong and not to do it again.

WHAT?! NO! IT’S A PENGUIN!

Ma’am, they aren’t that expensive. The gift shop has tons. Don’t worry…

IT’S A LIVE FUCKING PENGUIN! HE KIDNAPPED A BABY!
WHAT?! Holy shit..

So, long conversation later, the New England Aquarium came to the house to pick up the abducted penguin and bring it back to it’s home. Isn’t that insane?

When Kristen finished her story, I nearly choked on my beer. This TOTALLY trumped my abducted lawn gnome while high on acid and weed story [not about me, but I’ll tell you all later] and I hate it when my stories get trumped. So I figured I can at least try to compensate for that by telling the world in my blog.

After I finished typing this whole thing up, though, I was like This shit is the type of shit that makes it into the Globe or something. So I began googling and, guess what, found this. Dammit if I didn’t near erase the whole post when I read it all.

Goddamn that ass munch Betty for lying her way through a lunch break. Who the fuck makes up a story like that to tell to co-workers that someone [like ME] can EASILY check up on. I’m gonna go try to find a way to ruin her life. I bet she doesn’t even have an autistic child. Who even lies about that?!

Stupid, ugly, HORRIBLE Nurse Betty. Go to hell, Nurse Betty. You and your NON-EXISTENT AUTISTIC CHILD. I hate you so much.

PS… I’m working in Boston at the CambridgeSide Galleria at an American Eagle for this winter break. Poor pay, but 40% off everything. I’ll get great holiday retail stories for you all. Come and see if you can find me!

pps…don’t come if you are creepy, a stalker, want to kill me, or want a discount. ESPECIALLY if you want a discount. Or I’ll call security, cuz I can now. And I’ll want to.

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8 Responses to “By The End Of This Story, You Will Hate Betty Too”

  1. Jen Says:

    Nice to meetcha, first visit to your blog and yes, I too hate Betty now. Maybe a little too much for a Monday…

  2. Brooke Says:

    Wish I could stalk you, but you’re some 3000 miles away.

    And you must learn to check Snopes.com when in doubt.

  3. emily Says:

    You’re right, I now hate Betty too.

    But I’m with Brooke, would love to stalk ya but I’m a little low in the stalker fund right now.

  4. untitledhusband Says:

    i’ll second the snopes.com thing. i had to use snopes to prove to my mom that mel gibson’s face wasn’t fixed by his priest’s plastic surgeon. you wouldn’t think i’d need a website to prove this, but you don’t know my mother and the power of her rose colored glasses.

    oh, and betty is a twat. the least she could have done was come up with something original. sounds like the penguin number dates back to ’93.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    zardoz says:
    hey guys,
    ever think that betty’s
    greatest highlight of her whole life, is telling stories,
    hoping to amuse others ,
    and in all probability she’s more lonely than the autistic kid she thought up.
    have patience grasshoppers.
    —————————–zardoz

  6. #1 Dancer Says:

    JOHN!!!
    It’s spreading!!! Look what I just read today… There’s a penguin-snatching epidemic!!

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051220/ap_on_re_eu/toga_the_penguin

    Funny how you hear about something and then the very next day something similar happens. Coincidence? I think not. John, have you been to the London Amazon World lately?? Hmmm???

  7. Tink Says:

    Oh man, I LOVE Betty. Funniest story I’ve heard all day, despite the fact that it’s a big fat lie. I’m so using this on my coworkers.

  8. Lyrical Splatter Says:

    This is my first time visiting your site…found it on the Bloggies and I’ve got to say that you have my vote!
    Strangely enough I have a story about abducting lawn gnomes while flying on acid. Small world.

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