Pepe Le Jesus Christ This Reeks

I know some of you are just aching to know what happened with the recent occurrences on my floor. I’ve deemed the scenario Harry Potter and the Sack Of Rancid Assholes. This is the book where Harry dies because of lack of oxygen and Hermione finds out Ron is gay. That, and Professor McGonnagall gets busy with Dumbledore. In stores for the holidays.

Anyways, on to the whole incident of nerve gas being released on my floor. Because I didn’t handle it immediately [I mean really, give me some credit. How does one go about this? I didn’t go through this in protocol training] my residents took it upon themselves. They went in steps.

Step 1: Bitching
I’ve never seen the likes of this type of bitching before in my life. I’m in the presence of greatness, people. Getting these kids to come to a floor meeting or program is like trying to recreate the birthing experience with a full grown man and a mail slot. But for this? I have never seen more people discuss aka bitch about a problem as a community before in my life. They were outside their rooms having full fledged conversations and debates about it. About a smell. Normally, society could be crumbling outside, and the most they’ll get upset about is that the dining hall didn’t have nuggets today.

Step 2: Advertising
Some of my residents took it upon themselves to let the rest of the floor know what was going on. This entailed writing on half sheets of notebook paper WHO SMELLS?! and posting it on every tape-able surface on my floor. Doors. Stairwells. Walls. Everywhere. It is so very nice to see my floor take an active stand for once. Civil and student rights would be better, but I suppose we have to start small.

Step 3: Odor Control
The only thing that smells worse than a sack full of various types of shit is a sack full of various types of shit wearing cologne and perfume. I’ll admit, when I first smelled it, I Febreezed the hallway, and even gave a few sprays of my cologne [Curve Splash] to make things better. It was about as effective as Tom Cruise’s I’m not gay! See?! I got someone pregnant! statements. I even called FixIt, who said that the smell was so strong, they would have to wait for the day time supervisor to figure out what to do. When I got back from class, I was smacked in the face with an even worse smell. A combination of death and decay, car freshener, hair spray, Lysol, and Victoria Secret Spray. The smell was so fierce, all the hair immediately fell off my body.

Step 4: Rumors
Like any other person without the answers [see:Bush], my residents began to just make shit up. Here are but a few of the gems I heard that caused The Stench 2K5.

*Someone up on the second floor peed the carpet last night while drunk. So now its seeping into the ceiling and starting to get moldy and gross.
*Ross killed his roommate. Will you get in trouble for that, John?
*The walls [concrete bricks, mind you] are actually hollow. What usually happens is when winter starts, animals from outside find their way into the building to stay warm. It must be a dead squirrel.
*Don’t be stupid! It was a dove.
*One of the guys from that room pooped in his trash can last night, and is too afraid to go empty it, because someone might see him and make fun of him. So he’s waiting, with the poop, until the right time.

Step 5: Operation Begone

I have no idea what happened here. None whatsoever. Usually my residents will tell me anything. Where they’re going out to. What club serves them alcohol. Everything. But they will not tell me how they got rid of the smell. I’m honestly a little afraid that some sort of Lord of the Flies type of fiasco happened while I was in staff meeting. All I know is that before staff meeting, I would get queasy having to walk to the stairs. After staff meeting, there was only but a hint of the smell. Within the hour, it was completely gone.

I don’t know what happened, nor do I want to know what happened. I am just happy that my residents somehow managed to return the floor to the adequate living standards we have become accustomed to, and everyone on the floor is still alive. Now if they can just take this initiative with the woman’s bathroom, we’d be set.

Seriously. You all think men are gross? Well, its the women’s room that has poop smeared on a stall and sanitary pads carpeting the sink area. You people are disgusting.

8 Responses to “Pepe Le Jesus Christ This Reeks”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    so….THAT’S where i left my pads….

  2. Flubberwinkle Says:

    Ron is gay????? Does Hermione turn to Draco for support??? McGonnagall gets busy with Dumbledore’s ghost or evil twin??? Are Hagrid & Flitwick a couple too???
    Oh, yeah, glad the stench “disappeared” too.

  3. V-Grrrrl Says:

    I’m glad you’re not smelling dead people and that social activism is alive and well on college campuses–well sort of. ;)

    The way I see it, any job you take after this is bound to be an improvement.

    And hey, someone needs to slap those grrrls around. They’re a discredit to their gender.

  4. Nicole Says:

    To go down in the “John Quotes” book (not that I have one, but if I were to start one, this would be number one): Getting these kids to come to a floor meeting or program is like trying to recreate the birthing experience with a full grown man and a mail slot.

    Not only is it something to which I can relate, it is hilarious and well-phrased. Thanks for the loud guffaw that I awkwardly made when I read it.

  5. emily Says:

    I would be suspicious.

    Highly highly suspicious.

  6. becca Says:

    maybe the guy who shit in his trash can finally took it out?

    i do know what you mean about getting these kids to go to hall meetings. the only one i ever saw where they all really attended was one where the RA had to set our minds at ease regarding the exorcism of demons two students performed on another student in the middle of the hallway. yes, and ambulance was called and all three students needed a lot of stitches. oh, and i also went to a southern baptist college. it was quite the fiasco.

    what’s even better about it is that i worked at the daily newspaper as a reporter intern and i got to write a scoop of a story on the incident of which of won quite a few awards. maybe i’m the evil one in that situation.

  7. Brooke Says:

    You are so fucking hilarious. (And FYI…I linked to you today!)

  8. Melanhead Says:

    Sounds like this can be used as a case study for the 2005-2006 RA training. A potential published piece for the Chronicles of Higher Education.

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