Archive for December, 2005

Two Things Vital To You Continuing Your Day

December 31, 2005

a. I hope you all have a great New Year’s Eve. I want you all to be drunk, even with or without kids. I feel that I would have grown up a lot more mature and responsible around alcohol if my parents would just have given me a Cape Codder in my bottle. Or better yet, baby shots out of the Robitussin cup. Go one. Get drunk. I won’t tell [though we all know the drunk blog stories to follow will be INCREDIBLE!]

b. I discovered the best signal I get for stolen wireless connection is on the toilet. I woke up this morning, needed to use the bathroom in a very bad way, but wanted to catch up on what I missed with all the blogs. So what do I do but unplug my laptop, pop a squat, and enjoy every minute of my morning on the crapper. Actually, I’m blogging to you via there right now. Hello, readers. I just pooped. Just now. This very second. Hurray!

UPDATE: The only negative aspect to blogging on the toilet would be that one or both of your legs falls asleep, thereby causing one to plummet to the ground after standing up. If this were a public setting, falling off a toilet would have to be the most embarassing thing ever.

ANOTHER UPDATE: I’m drinking Dom Peringnon in Newport, Rhode Island tonight. Let’s get it started.

Why Working At A Mall Is The Best Thing You Could Ever Do…

December 30, 2005

Because when you go to take a bathroom break across the hall from your store [because no one likes a pooper in the back room bathroom aka right next to the clothes], you not only have a carpet of newspaper laid out to prevent any soaking up of dirty toilet water onto the cuffs of your just bought jeans with your 40% discount, but as soon as you are about to push, the song on the stereo stops, and Eye Of The Tiger starts playing.

I have never felt a bigger sense of accomplishment in my entire natural life.

Pay Back The Donkey!

December 24, 2005

So the retail week of hell is over, and there was only one casualty. Some jack ass went off on one of my bosses because a security tag wasn’t taken off, so he wanted her, no DEMANDED her, to pay for his item and pay his parking, because he had to leave at a certain time, or pay more for his space or something like that. She got upset, and ended up paying him out of her own pocket. She’s sweet. But I would have kicked him in his nuts and threw pairs of boxers at him [$4.95] at him while taunting him in front of his children and fellow customers. Have some Holiday Spirit, you jerkface. Or I’ll drop some coal of my own in your stocking.

Anyways, because they play the same songs over and over again, along with their music video, at AE, I’ve gotten to hate a few songs slash musicians, but have become introduced to some new ones. One being this song. I am obsessed, and usually have to tell the teenage girl I’m helping to shut her face for a second, I don’t care that you are a 2 at other stores, you’re an 8 here, and, in all reality, everywhere else, so I don’t want to hear about how I must have made a mistake when it was you who made the mistake when you ate those sticks of butter, so please just shove a donut in the feeding hole while I watch this awesome video. [WMP lo hi and Real Player lo hi]

When I was google searching for this site, I came these two videos [turn your head or screen sideways to receive the full onslaught of this child’s power]. That child is going to grow up to be a dancing genius. GENIUS I TELL YOU! Watch out, world, for Tallulah.

Oh yeah. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and all that other jazz. I hope you all have a blast.

ps….I cannot begin to tell you how long I spent trying to get some freaking video code so you could just watch the damn thing on my site. But no. Every time I tried, it wouldn’t work, and it was ‘invalid’. And then Safari would shut down. And I would get frustrated and it was just a mess. But I hope you enjoyed that damn video cuz now I hate it more than I do something I hate.

Why Am I Up At 1 am Blogging, When I Have To Wake Up At 5:45 am?! DEDICATION, MUNCH NUGGETS!

December 23, 2005

Hello all. Just to let you know, I may be dead by the time you read this because, guess what?, working retail the week before Christmas is like taking a hot pitchfork and dry humping the fun end while swimming through a pool of alcohol.

So sorry for the lack of comments on my end etc. But, like I said, it’s crazy. BUT I can let you in on some sweet deals. I work at American Eagle [not that A&F shit…they pay you in nutshells and tell you to wear all their clothes for a bajillion dollars or your ability to love], so they have some sweet deals. Women’s fleece hoodies [$20], women’s underwear [$4], socks [$2] and other shit. Some men’s long sleeved t-shirts [$12] fleece pull overs [$20…that’s for mom, dad, AND brother], boxers [$5] and other fun assorted shit you really want.

I get no commission for this. I’m just trying to fill space for this entry.

To get those comments going, I’ll pose to you a question. You can either say whatever the hell you want, or say what the worst present you’ve ever gotten was. Mine? A nice sized box that looked like the new [at the time, the first] X-Box. I was ecstatic. I really got it?! How wonderfully AMAZING!


Wrong, fucker. I opened it up to see a glorious new do-it-yourself filing cabinet. I think the sound of my happiness leaving my body was audible.

And you?

Reason #234 Why I Hate Vacation

December 21, 2005

Getting a job so I can have something to do with my time, which entails selling the same t-shirt and fleece pull-over hour after hour while listening to the music that normally I would love, except being in the store, on my feet, for 12 hours straight [7:30 am to 7:30 pm] makes the songs become so ridiculous and overplayed, that you want to strangle a customer with that nice camisole that everyone seems so damn interested in touching, unfolding, then wiping their ass with before they throw it back with the men’s courdoroys, then pop a squat and take a dump in the fitting rooms because that is the nearest I will come to a bathroom or privacy.

Reason #174 Why I Love Vacation

December 19, 2005

Waking up for work yesterday only to receive a phone call from my boss saying he can’t train me until tomorrow, so I can have the day off, which is comprised of me staying in my bed until 4 pm blogging, napping, talking to one of my favorite designers slash friends, Courtney, getting an old Tegan and Sara CD, and listening to music. All while butt ass naked.

By The End Of This Story, You Will Hate Betty Too

December 19, 2005

Last night, one of my friends from home, Kristen, and I went out to grab a drink and catch up on the past few months, gossip, and just enjoy each other’s company. It’s been forever since just the two of us sat down and talked, so it was great to be able to just chill for a couple hours and have a confab, as my dashboard thesaurus would say.

We began telling stories to one another, which sparked this Academy award winning VERY MUCH TRUE story her mom told her and swore was true. TRUE AND REAL!

So her mom is a nurse at some company or what not, and sat down to lunch with a few of her co-workers one day. It was a Monday, so they were all filling each other in on their weekend and whatever, when they noticed one of the other nurses was kind of giggling over her salad. They turned and asked her What the fuck is so funny, Betty? Not really, but isn’t it funny to think of nurses named Betty swearing at one another?

Visualize. See? Funny.

Betty sat up and said My weekend beats the shit out all of you asses [see? nurses swearing…funny]. The following story [told from Kristen’s perspective] is true and I SWEAR is not falsified in any way to make for a great post. Swear. To. Baby. Jesus.

So my mom’s friend took her son to the aquarium for the first time this random weekend. He’s only about 8 years old or something and has autism, so she thought he would have a friggin’ blast seeing all the fish and whatever. So they packed lunches and headed into town. They got to the aquarium and the kid was high on life with excitement.

Then he got lost.

So she apparently freaked the fuck out and couldn’t find him. She looked everywhere for him, and he was gone. Can you imagine? What if he fell in the polar bear den or something? I mean, I’m sure they guard that thing, but still.

[Author’s note: I let her know that polar bears normally don’t inhabit the New England Aquarium, but yes…better safe than sorry.]

So after she couldn’t find him, she went to security and told them that she couldn’t find him at all. They immediately began looking for him, but still couldn’t find him after about 30 minutes. They finally had to clear out the aquarium so they could do a more extensive search of the facility without customers accidentally getting in the way. Right when they were about to break or whatever to find him, the little kid comes walking up to the group. Soaking. Wet.

Everyone began freaking out about it and tried to see if he was okay. They kept asking him why he was wet, but he would just shake his head and say nothing. So the officials said that maybe he would tell the mom when they got home, and no big deal. He’s safe, and that is what’s important.

So the mom took her kid home and immediately put him into a bath to warm him up. She went downstairs to get something, like coffee or whatever, and when she comes back, she has a panic attack.

Her son is splashing all the freak around in the tub with a baby penguin. Fresh from the aquarium via his little boy backpack.

The mother FREAKS out and calls the aquarium. The conversation went something like…

Good afternoon, this is the New England Aquarium!
HELLO?! HELLO! My son kidnapped a penguin!

What? Oh, it’s no big deal. It happens all the time. Just tell him it’s wrong and not to do it again.


Ma’am, they aren’t that expensive. The gift shop has tons. Don’t worry…

WHAT?! Holy shit..

So, long conversation later, the New England Aquarium came to the house to pick up the abducted penguin and bring it back to it’s home. Isn’t that insane?

When Kristen finished her story, I nearly choked on my beer. This TOTALLY trumped my abducted lawn gnome while high on acid and weed story [not about me, but I’ll tell you all later] and I hate it when my stories get trumped. So I figured I can at least try to compensate for that by telling the world in my blog.

After I finished typing this whole thing up, though, I was like This shit is the type of shit that makes it into the Globe or something. So I began googling and, guess what, found this. Dammit if I didn’t near erase the whole post when I read it all.

Goddamn that ass munch Betty for lying her way through a lunch break. Who the fuck makes up a story like that to tell to co-workers that someone [like ME] can EASILY check up on. I’m gonna go try to find a way to ruin her life. I bet she doesn’t even have an autistic child. Who even lies about that?!

Stupid, ugly, HORRIBLE Nurse Betty. Go to hell, Nurse Betty. You and your NON-EXISTENT AUTISTIC CHILD. I hate you so much.

PS… I’m working in Boston at the CambridgeSide Galleria at an American Eagle for this winter break. Poor pay, but 40% off everything. I’ll get great holiday retail stories for you all. Come and see if you can find me!

pps…don’t come if you are creepy, a stalker, want to kill me, or want a discount. ESPECIALLY if you want a discount. Or I’ll call security, cuz I can now. And I’ll want to.

Thank You, With A Side Of Laughter

December 18, 2005

I want to thank everyone for their kind words of advice and support. Realistically, I know all of the things that you have said are true. Friendships end, new ones will begin. It still sucks to have to go through it, though. And, quiet honestly, I’d rather it not follow the course it seems to be heading down, but at this stage, there is really nothing I can do but wait. In terms of the whole being fed to the real world saga, again, Internet, you are wise. But you only go through the panic of a college graduation once. I need to fulfill my role as crazed scholar without a job or place to live. It will be fun, won’t it? Blog it up!

So thanks for all that. It was nice to read all your comments about the whole situation.

So, to lighten the mood, I’m gonig to introduce you to the Blog of the Week. It’s kind of a combination of blog and vlog, and I have to say…very interesting. I read about it in the Wall Street Journal [I never read that rag…one of my co RAs is an accounting major, and he showed me the article…hi Joe!] and just had to pay a visit.

And I’m glad I did. The site, Laugh Practice, is operated by Beth Agnew, who says she is a Common Sense Educator. Her whole purpose of her website [and if you click on her profile, you can be linked to 3 of her others] is to urge the world populace to laugh. For no reason. Just laugh, and let go of any stress, negativity, and angst. She follows up most of her posts with a video message, giving a reason to laugh for the day. Then you know what? She laughs. Sometimes for two minutes. So if you can’t get yourself to laugh at the reason she supplies, you can at least laugh along with her.

So check it out. She may be able to brighten your day and make you feel more at ease.

And thanks again, everybody!

I’ll Miss You

December 16, 2005

It is a sad, sad season, my friends. Today is December 16th, and earlier this morning at around 7 am, I emailed the very last of my assignments to my professor and called it a night. I am officially done with the last fall semester of my undergraduate career. One more semester left. And I’m not ready to go.

This semester, all in all, has been a rough one. I am very close to graduating, and am still mentally, physically, emotionally and financially unprepared for what lies ahead of me. Entering the real world is more than I feel prepared for, regardless of what some may say. I’ve experienced the joy of meeting new friends this semester, both in school and through blogging. It’s funny how, even so late in the collegiate game, you can find people that you just click with and want to spend every free hour of your day with them. Imagine the number of people out there I haven’t met yet who I can become obsessed with. Insane.

I’ve also lost friends. A good friendship is on its way out the door right now. It’s only a matter of time before the final word is delivered. While it may be for the best in the long run, it is still so hard to say goodbye to who you thought was your best friend. Considering the circumstances of the situation, I don’t know if this is something that can be saved or not. Either which way, and regardless of how angry I get at the decision, I’ll miss him.

Some of my newer friends are going abroad, and because they are juniors, it will be a long time until I see them again. Just now, three friends [hi Sarah, Ari and Kristina!] came and stopped by work to drop off some stuff for my position next semester [I’m Vice President of Fellowship next semester for APO…my predecessor? The fabulous girl playing beer pong] before going home. There is a chance I will be with some of them for spring break, and I really hope that works out, because otherwise, it will be a long time until we see each other.

One of my friends even graduated this semester. Originally, she was going to come back here to stay the final semester with us while working a job or internship. But, if she gets this better job she’s applying for, then she won’t be back. I’ve known her since the first few weeks of freshmen year. I’ve been friends with her longer than anyone else here at college, and soon after Christmas we’ll find out if she will be coming back or not. I’ve seen her almost everyday of my college career, and now she may be gone. Sucked into the real world that I’m not ready to be a part of.

I go back to Boston tomorrow. I’m not packed. I haven’t done laundry. I haven’t even said all my goodbyes. I sit here right now with so much more left to do, and so many more people left to see. I don’t think that any of this has really hit me until right now. Things are ending, and regardless of how much I dig my heels into the moment, I’m still getting dragged towards this end result that I don’t want to have anything to do with.

So tonight, I have a plan. I can’t stop the inevitable. I can’t prevent people from leaving. I can’t stop people from going home. I can’t force someone to not say goodbye. But I can have a last hurrah. I can make tonight the perfect night, and I can make tonight the one to be remembered for those leaving.

It’s all I can do. Laugh. Drink. Love. And say goodbye.

I Hold My Head High!

December 15, 2005

To all those who have made fun of me for the following:

I am my own, grown ass man. Do not hate.

I am an intelligent person, and do not need to prove myself to anyone but myself.

Just because you don’t have the BALLS to admit you do this yourself, doesn’t mean you have to look down on others who are so ballnormous, they get rug burn.

It is not wrong of me to have a fondness for the Disney Channel. There is quality programming, good acting, developing plotlines, intriguing characters, and some damn good jokes on that channel. Whether it is meant as a channel for 13 year old girls or 21 year old men can be debated until Phil gets back to his own time. Either which way, it is a great show.

I watch That’s So Raven. She is a former Cosby Kid and can predict the future. Imagine the hijinks she can get in, huh?!

I watch Phil of the Future. His future age habits in a modern day world are a RIOT!

I watch Lizzie McGuire. It’s just like my family, except not at all.

I hate The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. So much. I would send them to see my family wearing only natural colors with a festive reindeer hat. That should teach them. Dirty shits.

Hate if you want. I don’t care. But I will be enjoying my quality, COMMERCIAL FREE, programming. So suck it dry.