My friend Tiffany and I were grabbing a bite to eat at the food court on campus the other day when the news came on. The anchor woman said, and I [loosely] quote, Parts of Syracuse are under a water ban until an unknown time. E. Coli has been found in the water, and residents are advised to boil their water if they wish to drink from the tap. E. Coli is caused by the presence of animal or human waste in the water.
To which Tiffany replied Animal waste? Or human waste? Or both! It doesn’t matter! There’s doo doo in the water! How are we going to shower John?! Rubbing some soap onto yourself saying Yes, this is nice. But no it isn’t. You think you’re getting clean, but oh no! You can’t get clean in doo doo water. Dirty Syracuse.
Yes, you heard correctly. There is poop in my water.
The funny thing is that it isn’t affecting all of Syracuse. Just the side of the city that the University is on. The rest of the city can lay down under their faucet all day, guzzling tap water to their heart’s content without worrying about E. Coli poisoning. I should clarify that poisoning just means lots of diarrhea and other forms of bowel movement maladies.
Either which way, this situation is a double edged sword. On the one hand, I can’t drink any water that isn’t pre-bottled. This means that dining halls can’t serve some drinks, the food court doesn’t have a soda fountain, and some bars can’t make some drinks that involve using a faucet [shitty!]. On the other hand, however, this means I get two bottles of water, paid for by the University, everyday. Wonderful! Aquafina all up in my face. But then again, I can’t shower in that. Or bathe in it. Or clean myself in it at all, in fact. Sure, they say it’s safe to shower in our bathrooms. But then again, they used to think asbestos was a wicked cool idea.
It’s poop, people. And I’m showering in it.
There really is no saving grace in a situation like this. Unless some one I really don’t like were showering and pure, undiluted feces water rained down upon them. That’d be cool, but pretty much would never happen. I mean, there is usually some sort of silver lining in all situations, right? Regardless of how bad the situation is, you can always say Well at least I’ve got my health or Well there’s always tomorrow. We don’t have that. Sure we have tomorrow, but tomorrow is shit. And who knows how long my health will hold out. I’ve got a decent immune system. But it’s never been bombarded with poop before. This is going to be a test of inner strength. And sphincter control. Definitely sphincter control. Because E. Coli apparently gives you the runs.
To tie up this story, I will tell you how my friends and I are handling the caca crisis. We were enjoying a bottle of wine [Reisling] and watching a rerun of this week’s episode of Nip/Tuck. PS I’m hooked now. Anyways, they were talking about The Carver, when all the sudden Tiffany started laughing. It was one of those laughs that starts off real quiet and deep, and just builds up from there. A guttural guffaw, if you will. I looked over, and Kim had begun to laugh, too.
Why are you guys laughing?
Tiffany composed herself long enough to say, before bursting out in laughter again, I washed the wine glasses out in the sink!