I’ll Be Bleeding Now


So do you remember the book-made-into-movie North starring Elijah Wood?

Quick recap.

Boy hates family because family is so apathetic to everything. Boy does anything to get their attention. Parents respond minimally. One day, while eating dinner, there is the longest silence ever at the table. North [Elijah Wood] can’t take much more of it. Finally, it is his father who breaks the everlasting silence in saying the following:

I found some blood in my stool today.

North, not even a teenager, suffers a coronary. He then becomes a free agent and travels the world taking applicants for new parents.

Now, see if you can guess how this story applies to my life.

I was in about 10 years old, and sitting at the dinner table with my mother, father, brother and Nana [we lived with Agnes for a period of time]. We were having spaghetti, and, just like the movie, there was a long lull in the conversation.

I sat there, looking around the room, and wondered what to do. Now, mind you, I was impressionable. Couple that with the fact that I had no idea what the following phrase meant, I thought I was just addressing the silence of the situation.

I found some blood in my stool today.

Mother Margaret flew up from her chair, grew approximately a foot and a half in all directions, and bellowed with the rage of a dragon WHAAT?!?!

Meanwhile, the rest of my family just looked on, spaghetti hanging out of their mouths like a long strand of drool. Forks suspended in midair.

Registering the possibility of a certain death from the hands of The Beast Formerly Known As Mama, I ran. And in all truth and lack of lies, I have never ran so fast in my life.

On the other hand, I’ve never seen my mother do a standing leap of about 6 feet before.

I had an imprint on my ass for days.

Moral: jokes about bloody poop while eating spaghetti [or any meal] with family is strongly advised against.

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