I Hate You, Naked Baby


In the hope to inspire change, an opening of minds, and an acceptance of new thoughts and ideas, I am writing what I pray will be the spark that ignites reform. So please, take what I next say sincerely and with a modicum of open-mindedness.

Stop letting children run around naked.

It has come to my attention recently that there is a horrible double standard in our society. One that is matched by very few other injustices in our culture. Nudity is accepted in youth, but not in adolescence and adulthood, which confounds me.

Now, I should probably explain how I had come to this starling discovery of this disgusting discrimination, and veer you away from the thought that I think of naked children. As I was meandering through an outlet store, I happened to glance to my left, viewing a mother, her daughters, and the stroller she was pushing. In the stroller, much to my chagrin, was a man child of about the age of 4.

Naked.

Well, not totally. He was wearing a speedo of sorts. Very European. However, if just glanced upon, you would think his cash and prizes, as it were, had been covered up by the strappings of the stroller.

The point, however, does not lie in however skimpy or miniscule the clothing this child was wearing. No, it lies in the inherent injustices that lay unmoving within our society. Only a child would be able to wander around naked [or close to it], without a discriminating eye being cast upon them. Well, my friends, I say no more!

Mothers, clothe your children! Fathers, dress your kids! Discriminatory nudity is over!

Now, I fully understand the thought process of Mommy Dearest this morning as she got her children ready for a day of outlet shopping. It would be hot and humid, and the walks between one air conditioned store and another would surely be uncomfortable. Best to stock up on water, try and stay cool and not exert a lot of energy…aaand let my baby dress like Tarzan.

I’m sorry, but if it’s not acceptable for me to shop in flip flops and half a two-piece, then it shouldn’t be for little mister would be streaker, either.

In case you haven’t noticed, the flux of naked babies and children is growing exponentially. I’m sure you have seen the commercials. Little naked baby finds joy in finding a diaper that protects against leakage and rashes. Little naked baby finds comfort in the fact her shampoo won’t give her tears yet still cleanse her baby soft hair. And finally, little naked baby takes comfort in the fact that the baby formula used has just as many nutrients in it as the breast milk his dried up mother is too lazy to squirt out.

Maybe the problem lies in this very simple, yet effective, marketing scheme.

People love to buy stuff from naked babies.

And I can tell you, too, where this all started.

That God damn naked Coppertone baby. She’s the one who started this clotheless campaign. She’s the one who began the trend of running around au naturel. And she’s the one who made it acceptable for little babies to go galavanting throughout our commercials, magazines, and newspapers, selling us diapers and canned breast milk, all the meanwhile their little baby penises and their little baby vaginas flapping in the breeze.

She’s also the one that inspired this, which is wrong in so many ways.

I propose a change, however uncomfortable it may seem initially. If you are hot, and don’t want to wear anything to the store but a pair of tighty whities, then go for it. If you want to work your corner store in nothing but some slippers and a smile, then by all means, holler at your naked body. We can not allow little naked babies to rule the roost, as the case may be, on naked antics.

Can’t have it both ways, naked babies. Either you put some pants on, or we’re taking ours off.

This was a weird post.

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2 Responses to “I Hate You, Naked Baby”

  1. Ch@ry Says:

    i think parents keep their babies naked since it’s easier to clean up when they… you know. and you want to take your pants off in public? i’m not sure how safe that is – what if you saw a really sexy girl/guy? wouldn’t hiding the obvious reaction be tough?? ;-)

  2. Cathy Says:

    I just had to tell you how amused I am by your blog. I came across it while googling “baby tarzan”. I have a child that will be 3 in May. She runs around the house au natural as much as possible. We never take her out of the house unless she is fully clothed.
    Anyway, just wanted to commend you on your humorous writing.

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