Hazy, Hot, Humid & Horny


I don’t really know how this subject came to mind [well…yes I do], and I don’t really understand why I have dedicated such an absurd amount of time to researching this topic, but here we go.

Statistically speaking, I am receiving far too little sex for my categorized position in society compared to everyone else. In the world. Ever.

In my research, I have come across many interesting statistics. Not surprisingly [yet very irksome] were the google results for my searches. I won’t go into it, but the amount of people who have STDs, like chlamydia and syphilus [on the rise, ps] is ridiculous. Slap on a rubber and call it cozy, kiddos, because the other way ain’t working.

Anyways, I am now going to statistically show you how abstinent I am. Let’s go.

Let’s start off with ethnicity. Now, I’ll break it up into two groups for you. The first being just the average United States citizen, and the second being the mean of my ethnic backgrounds [Polish, Irish, and German…and maybe some other stuff…I don’t know, my ancestors had sex with a lot of Europe, and I didn’t inherit that gene]. According to Durex, who I feel is a trusted source for who has sex and how often they have it, the average US citizen has sex approximately 111 times a year. Shockingly low, isn’t it? But when you consider the math [365 days per year divided by 111 coitus cases], that turns out to be about once every 3 days, which I suppose is decent.

Sidenote. Americans do not have a lot of sex, comparatively speaking. There are 14 countries ahead of us. From bottom to top [innuendo intended, thank you] they are Slovenia, South Africa, New Zealand, Slovakia, Iceland, United Kingdom, Croatia, Czech Republic, Bulgaria, Macedonia, Hungary, Serbia & Montenegro, Greece, and at the top of the list is France.

If you take the mean of my ethnicities [Poland-110, Ireland-105, Germany-98], then I should be having sex 104.33 times per year. This is slightly above the global average of 103 spanks per year.

I have sex approximately 0.00 times per year. I am below average. Which also means, in order for the balance to stay in effect, someone needs to be doubled the mean. Impressive, ma’am or sir. Impressive.

Or maybe not. How the hell should I know, at this point.

Couple the average amount of intercourse per year the average person has with the list of countries that outranks the US [the Slovenians and Macedonians out rank us], and I am beginning to feel a little low.

Let us move on to some other depressing statistics. According to a sexuality website, the amount of sex had within certain age groups decreases as time and libido wane. Apparently, 18-29 year olds have sex approximately 112 times a year, while 30-39 year olds have sex 86 times a year. They give no reason for this drop in genital gymnastics, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. Careers, children, sexual problems and growing ugly are all issues that people within this age group can begin to face, which can impede the act of sex. So sad.

At least the 30-39 year olds aren’t in the 40-49 year old age group [?]. They manage to get it up [or strapped on if there is no one within your relationship to get it plump] a paltry, but ironic, 69 times per year. This is where the kids are old enough to know what’s going on, the job is boring enough to drain your lust for life, the perscription for Viagra has run out, and you’ve gotten the crap beaten out of you with an ugly stick too many times to count. Too bad.

The site doesn’t give specific numbers for those under 18, but it gives a rough idea in the form of percentages. Apparently, in 1998, 87% of high school students reported doing the uncoordinated and kind of clumsy nasty, which is ridiculously high, if you ask me. Imagine the amount of pre-ejaculated men and sexually unsatisfied women there were in home room. No wonder high school was a bitch. Everyone was getting some, but the some was spoiled and didn’t last too long.

There’s no information given for people at or above the age of 50, because that’s just gross.

Again, let us compare and contrast, shall we? I am beat out in every age group. 49 year olds have more sex than I do. Try and wrap your mind around that piece of information. A 49 year old is having more sex than me.

I’ll give you time to comprehend this insanity provoking piece of information.

Okay. Moving on.

It would seem that there are only a few options available to me to bring life to the barren waste lands that is my groin. I am considering all very thoroughly. They include…

*Waiting. Who knows? Maybe the right person will come along tomorrow, and I will flourish. However, the only negative aspect to this option is that it is as probable as monkies flying out of my butt and setting up a colony is East Syracuse, soon to become known region wide for their well woven rugs and delicious personal sized pies.

*Prostitution. I feel I would be able to turn a decent buck. So not only would I be watering the lawn, so to speak, but I’ll be getting some cash to pay for the STD and HIV tests I’ll want to have afterwards.

*Personal ads. We’ve all seen them. And we’ve all had a good laugh at them and wonder who would post this or respond to this. Well, they wouldn’t always be in the paper if they didn’t work. Now I just need to figure out how the initials work.

*Go Bi. In opening myself up to every gender, sex, and person on the planet, I am vastly increasing my chances of success. Think about it. Playing the dating game with only one sex is like riding a unicycle. Sure, you can still have fun, but its a lot easier when using two wheels.

Now, for all of those who are going to be taking pleasure in another person[s] company tonight, I leave you with a few words.

*By 24, 1 in 3 sexually active people would have contracted an STD.

*About 15 million new cases of STDs are diagnosed each year in the US alone.

*53% of pregnancies happen with women who are using contraception.

*The rate of failure for contraception is much higher than you would expect. Implants and injectables are 2-4%, oral contraceptives are 9%, diaphragm and cervical caps are 13%, male condoms are 15%, periodic abstinence is 22%, withdrawal is 26%, and spermicides are 28%

*In New York State alone, there are 54,794 people living with HIV/AIDS, 503 of them being under the age of 13. Some people who have HIV/AIDS do not even know it.

And finally…

*75% of men and 29% of women always have orgasms with their partner.

Ha. I’ve got you beat there. I always orgasm with myself.

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5 Responses to “Hazy, Hot, Humid & Horny”

  1. vanessa Says:

    i used to hate blogs… john, yours is my new favorite website :)

  2. Anonymous Says:

    I must say John, your blog is the only one I can read all the way through without getting bored. I can’t even do that with my own online journal.

    P.S. Try Adult Friend Finder (aff.com)

    Love you!
    Mel

  3. Victorious Says:

    Johhny, you’re a mess…I would personally recommend getting off that unicycle, hoppin on that bike, and gettin that fling into swing. Safely, of course. Dude, double your odds and see what happens. As far as waiting for the right person, what if they got stuck in traffic or got lost? Life’s too short to sit around waiting for ppl. You’ve gotta go out, hunt em down, and get ur jump on! ;-)

  4. V-Grrrrl Says:

    I hate sex statistics. They always make people feel like freaks. Besides, they rely on those surveyed accurately reporting what’s going on. And because of the prevalence of media coverage of the stats and the general lusty atmosphere in American pop culture, I think everyone lies.

    At least that’s what freaks like me tell myself. Really, I’m sure I’m a normal Grrrl.

    V

  5. Ch@ry Says:

    you’ve actually made me feel good about being the oldest virgin in my city with your punchline! ;-) thanks!

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