Archive for June, 2005

Give Me My Money Back

June 28, 2005


Tonight, George W. Bush (its not ‘dubya’…just because he speaks like a moron doesn’t mean we need to emulate) will be making a speech at Fort Bragg in North Carolina in the hopes to revive the war lust in a very peace hungry nation. In my [in]expert opinion, I don’t believe things will turn out like apple pie.

Bush will have a lot to say tonight concerning the 27 month war in Iraq. He states (in a pre-released statement from the White House) We are there to complete a mission, and it’s an important mission. Um…well…thanks for that very insightful comment, George. I’m sorry you don’t have the time to adequately explain what that mission is, seeing as how I thought we completed it months ago.

Now, to educated and rational individuals, this will come as no surprise. But for everyone else, prepare yourself for what could quite possibly be the shocker (haha) of a lifetime. Ready?

There is a big slide in support of both the war and the president!

Change your underwear and clean your colostomy bags, kids, because the liberals are on their way to the top! As support for the war reaches record lows, which many analysts are comparing to the levels of the final years of the Vietnam War, we find that even the least likely of groups are beginning to question the backwater wisdom of our favorite redneck rancher. The republicans.

Many of the tight asses of our government are finding the strength to pull themselves out from under the rock they’ve been living under and have seen the light of day. Republican Senator Chuck Hagel of Nebraska is quoted as saying The White House is completely disconnected from reality…It’s just like they’re making it up as they go along. Now, color me shocked (haha…it still makes me laugh), but can you believe this is coming from the mouth of a republican?!

Now, Bush plans on saying that all that is needed is a little more time, then things with our country will be all hunky dory again. He says Like most Americans, I see the images of violence and bloodshed. Every picture is horrifying and the suffering is real…It is worth it. But then again, he’s not out on the battlefield. And I would venture a guess that a family member or friend of Georgey would never see the back side of a jumbo jet, nevermind touchdown in Iraq.

A little while ago, Dick Cheney faught off some heart palpatations to make a statement. He said The American people do not falter under threat, and we will not allow our future to be determined by car bombers and assassins. Really, Dick? Because I feel that life after this war, 9/11, and your initial inauguration has changed dramatically (and if not dramatically, then at least to the point of pointless annoyance).

Recall, if you will, that amazingly efficient Patriot Act. You know, the thing that allows the government to sneak a peek at everything and anything that has to do with you ever? They know of every book you’ve bought, every movie you’ve rented, and every porn site you’ve subscribed to. Not to mention the fact that it is just as useful as Michael Chertoff. Berkeley recently tried to get a prominent Indonesian scholar to come and take up residence at their school for awhile. You know. To educate. They had to wait for almost a year to go through all the red tape set up before a visa could be attained. Patriot Act attack!

Mmm…safety tastes good. But it tends to spoil when you’re waiting a year for it’s delivery.

In a war that has killed over 1,740 U.S. military personnel and about 12,000 Iraqi civilians, it seems we are still not done yet. And that irks me.

So I emailed Bush and Dick about it. Along with some other concerns. Here is the email…

re: My tax refund

Hello President Bush and Vice President Cheney,

I am writing you to pose to you a few questions that have been on my mind as of late. While I realize your email addresses probably don’t go directly to you, I am hoping that maybe some one will find it in their heart to print out a copy and put it in your ‘in’ pile (hint hint, intern).

Anyways, I have several questions for the two of you, and if you could take some time out of your day (maybe during dinner, or even while taking a coffee break) to answer these concerns, that’d be swell.

  1. We have been at war for about 27 months now, and I have to say, I’m not in full support of it. Not to say I don’t support our troops. I have nothing but the utmost respect for them, and hope they all come back home safely. However, I think this war has gotten a bit out of hand. And (no offense) really stupid. So, I was wondering if you could pull back the troops and end the war? You said you would, once a government was established. And it is. So I think it would be best if you stick to your word and not lie or be shady. No one likes shady. Keep that in mind for future references.
  2. Speaking of shady, why are you trying to create an amendment to the constitution that would make an entire group within our society second class citizens? This I’m slightly confused about. I feel that since we (we as in rational people…or the government itself) have said there should be a separation between church and state, I think we should keep it that way. If you were able to give me a host of reasons as to why the entire GLBT community is a detriment to our society’s health, I may rethink my opinion. I just think that if this group of people, who are one of the groups who spend the most money in our economy, as well as being a huge help with taking care of unwanted, abused, and orphaned children, should have the same rights that are afforded to every other person in our country.

I have other questions and concerns as well, but we can save those for another time and place. Maybe tea at the Watergate or something. <!– D([“mb”,” \r\n \r\nFinally, I leave you with a request. I have been paying taxes for a\r\nperiod of time, and I have decided I don\’t approve their usage. If you\r\ncould please look into my records and give me a refund, that\’d be\r\ngreat. I just don\’t think what you have been spending the money on is\r\nat all helpful to me, or to most everyone else in the country. So if\r\nyou could get on that, that\’d be great. \r\n \r\nHave a cool summer! \r\n \r\nBest \r\nJohn Winskowicz “,1] ); D([“mb”,”
Don\’t pray for an easy life. Pray to be a strong person.
~Anonymous\r\n\r\n
“,0] ); D([“ce”]); D([“ms”,”210″] ); //–>

Finally, I leave you with a request. I have been paying taxes for a period of time, and I have decided I don’t approve their usage. If you could please look into my records and give me a refund, that’d be great. I just don’t think what you have been spending the money on is at all helpful to me, or to most everyone else in the country. So if you could get on that, that’d be great.

Have a cool summer!

Best
John Not Placing My Last Name In My Blog

Don’t pray for an easy life. Pray to be a strong person.
~Anonymous

Almost immediately, I received an email stating that the president and vice president do not answer their own emails directly, as they are arriving in such overwhelming numbers (that and Bush forgot his password). They gave me the link for a webmail server, where I could send in a similar message through a White House website. I don’t know if they will ever see the email, though, which is sad.

I just wish I had their google accounts.

If you yourself would like to contact the White House, here is their info

Phone Numbers
Comments—-202.456.1111
Switchboard–202.456.1414
Fax———–202.456.2461

Email
Bush——-president@whitehouse.gov
Dick——-vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Webmail—Click Here

All I Ever Needed To Know…

June 28, 2005

Trust and faith are two strong qualities that are very tightly tied together (holler alliteration). Now, while this can apply to the realm of spirituality, religion, and God, this is not where I am trying to lead you all, for many reasons. Firstly, religion is sometimes too controversial of a subject, and one that I am ill-prepared to debate at the moment. Secondly, it is just not what is driving me at this exact moment. And lastly, I really just don’t feel like it.

Right now, I am addressing trust and faith as core values of relationships, primarily those dwelling in the ‘friendship’ realm. Now, I do not proclaim to be an expert in relationships in any incarnation, nor do I feel I will ever reach that level of wisdom. However, I do feel that I have some knowledge in the area that is of some value. Not only that, but this is my blog and I can say what I want. So don’t stop scrolling and keep on reading.

Trust is an attribute that is existent in every single relationship we have. Whether it be with our very best and closest friend whom knows all there is to know about us, or the person at work whom you had an awkward run in with at the urinal, trust is existent everywhere. Just at varying levels.

Faith is somewhat similar to trust, but with one small change. While trust is something that is built between two people, and slowly grows with time and experience, faith lies more in the realm of expectations. One has faith in another that they will show up for an event. It is the expectation of the trust that has been built.

Recently, I have had some experience with this matter of ‘faith’ and ‘trust’. Mostly negative, I’m sad to say. And while I believe that part of my experiences were, however painful, necessary, I maintain that others are not so worthwhile to my time. Sometimes, the only thing that trust and faith are worth in a relationship are for having faith one will wade in the shallowest of pools, and trusting that their actions will reflect their shin deep stance.

In saying this, I post a disclaimer. I am not perfect in any which way, nor will I ever be able to attain any height of perfection in any field (except for maybe something stupid, like candle making). I realize this, and expect similar behavior from others. Imperfection makes for good chit chat. At least, this is what I’ve learned from any one of my family get-togethers. Nothing keeps the conversation rolling like a good round of Why The Hell Did You Do That?!

Now, there is another attribute that is once again strongly tied to trust and faith. And that is honesty. For me, there is only one or two people that I have been completely honest with, whether it be good or bad. Not to say that I go around telling lies about myself to every Susie, Todd, and Chadwick. There are just certain things that all of us with hold for only the most important of people.

However, there is another use of honesty, and that dwells in the realm of ‘not being an ass’. This is a simple task that I am assigning…nay, challenging…all of you to take on. Tell the truth. Be honest. Don’t be a bag of douche and own up to what you do or say. This way, the world will be a much better place to live in.

And I won’t be sitting in a shit hole with no AC.

*Note: I realize this post may not mean a lot to a lot of people. So, in an attempt to keep you all happy, I give you this. Please enjoy.

It’s Kinda Like Acid

June 27, 2005


As I was having brunch with one of my friends this afternoon, an interesting topic of discussion arose concerning what I have decided to be a normal occurrence in most everyone’s daily lives. Fantasies.

Now, I’m not talking specifically about the type of fantasies that more than likely already popped into you head. Or the ones that maybe didn’t come to mind so quickly. But just in more of the general definition of things. Whether it be while sitting in class and day dreaming about what to have for lunch, at church wondering what you’ll watch on tv, or in your basement, pondering what alibi to use, everyone day dreams and fantasizes at some point during their day.

The interesting thing, though, is that people don’t speak too much about their fantasies to one another. You don’t hear people around the water cooler (or whatever it is that inspires conversation) talking about the recent day dream they had while the boss was talking about restructuring the office or firing you for not paying attention. Unless its sex with a celebrity. For some reason, everyone* talks about that. Anyways, in an effort to promote and open the line of communication between everyone out there, I am going to share with you a few of my favorite day dreams and fantasies.

*I’m sitting in class. Or I’m at work. Or really anywhere that I’m somewhere I don’t fully want to be. Anyways, there I am, minding my own business, when a fully assembled and trained militia adamantly against higher education (or insurance, or whatever…really, it depends on the context of where you are) enters the room, armed with guns and explosives. They immediately kill the nearest bystander, usually being the person whom I like least in this situation, and scream for everybody’s attention. I begin to slink down in my seat in order to stay out of view of them.

As the terrorists split up, the leader of this band of misunderstood members of society walks by my seat. This is when I take action and employ my third degree black belt in a relatively unknown, yet highly dangerous form of martial arts, and break the man’s ankle, grabbing his assault rifle and knocking him unconscious before he hits the ground. A nearby friend slash co-worker looks at me in amazement, and utters ‘Where are you going?’ I detach the clip from the rifle, toss it aside, and say ‘Don’t worry about it, just try and get out of here’ and move on to take care of the rest of the band of troops in a flurry of acrobatic kicks and blur of punches.

*Very similar to the previous fantasy, I am in class or a place of employment, trying to concentrate on the task at hand, when the door explodes open in an inferno of fire, and a group of stylishly dressed individuals walk into the room. They immediately demand everyone’s attention, and as my friend slash co-worker sitting next to me begins to throw a nervous glance, they notice I am no longer there.

What I never told anyone is that I have magic powers, and learned them when I got lost in another world, C. S. Lewis style (in theatres this winter) and was trained for years before being returned to my world, not a minute older than when the whole adventure began, only to be able to protect an otherwise defenseless Earth from maleficent magic users.

As the group parades down the hallway, I appear behind them and immediately incinerate the lackey pulling up the rear, grabbing everyone’s attention. A battle of epic proportions begins, involving more magic cinematic special effects than a Harry Potter film and more corny one liners than a Power Rangers episode, and continues as people flee the lecture hall slash office. To make a long story short, an exhausted, bloodied version of me stumbles out, triumphant and proud over a hard earned victory. Just as everyone who was present for the battle approaches me, I mumble a few words and a light flashes before all of their eyes, reminiscent of Tommy Lee Jones, immediately erasing all their memories of the past occurrences. And my secret is safe.

*Sex.

*I win the lottery, only it’s not just any ‘state’ lottery. It is the first ever World Wide Lottery, and it is worth more money than an innocent verdict (see: 1 2 3 and most likely 4). I use the money to pay off college, refund my parents and then some, buy an awesome place in New York City, a vacation home in San Diego and an undisclosed island only celebrities know about (I’m rich, I don’t usually vacation with the ‘norms’ now). I then invest in various real estate and companies, such as what will soon be the leading hair regrowth and temporary wig and toupee corporation ever, servicing only the wealthiest of my new peers. With all this invested money coming in by the shit load, I decide to donate the rest (a very ample sum) to feed all the hungry of the world, cure every disease, properly house every living person, and end production of all of the Christian groups’ pleas for help (or for a dinner plate for Sally Struthers).

These are just but a few of the day dreams and fantasies that I envision on a day to day basis. I share these with you in the hopes that maybe this will promote healthy and constructive dialogue between you, your friends and your co-workers. Nothing promotes healthy relationships more than the sharing of thoughts and dreams. Unless they’re gross. In which case, keep it to yourself, pervert.

But what about you? What are your dreams and fantasies? What are the scenarios you place yourself in when the wear and tear of the day gets you down? Who are the people that you picture yourself in (or in you) when you are bored with the monotony of yet another business meeting with people as exhilarating as a box of hair? Share with the world the fantasies that keep you going in the most dire of times, and thereby amuse me and my readers.

All seven of you.


*The individual pictured above has in no way, shape or form exhibited her need to have sex with a variety of celebrities, including Chris Evans, Kevin Federline, John Cameron Mitchell (1 and 2), Kathy Bates (?), or John Cusack, multiple times and in numerous positions.

Tommy off his Knockers

June 26, 2005


I am officially calling it, even though it may be a day or two late. On Saturday, June 25th, 2005, Tom Cruise has utterly lost his mind and entered the realm of the famous eccentric stars and has no plans on ever turning back.

Let me give you a little recap as to why I have labeled one of the world’s biggest stars as ‘off his rocker’.

First, let’s start with some of the small stuff. Cruise is a scientologist, which is a crazy religion created by a science fiction writer in the 1950’s named L. Ron Hubbard. The religion believes in dianetics, which is something along the lines of ‘I’ve got the clap. Soul, cleanse me’, which is another idea of the great L. Ron Hubbard. They also celebrate a bunch of holidays, such as L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday, the anniversary of the publishing of his book, Auditor’s Day, to celebrate auditors (someone who helps with the dianetics…so, I guess the person who helps get rid of your clap), and random other stuff. Because of this focus on the mind, they are opposed to many mind related drugs, such as Ritalin and other shit like that.

So, long story short, scientology is crazy shit made up by a sci-fi writer. PS…for more reading by Hubbard other than dianetic stuff, you can check out Mission Earth: Fortune of Fear, or the novel that prompted the incredible film Battlefield Earth. Please, call your local library and make sure there is a copy waiting for you.

Why do I go into this, you ask? Good question. Because Tommy is a Scientologist, he has made his opinions on certain subjects very vocal. Such as publicly speaking out against Brooke Shields by calling her irresponsible for taking drugs for postpartum depression. Needless to say, Brooke Shields harnessed her inner bitch and told Tom publicly to shove it by saying Tom should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decide what treatment options are best for them.

It didn’t stop there, though. Last Friday, Tom went on the Today Show and had a full on freak out on the unsuspecting Matt Lauer. When Matt said he knows people who have benefited from different anti depressants, Tom said the following…

You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do…Matt, Matt, you don’t even–you’re glib. You don’t even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK? That’s what I’ve done.

and

Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?…There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

Thank you, Tom, for your helpful words of wisdom, obviously based in nothing but the utmost firsthand experiences and academic support. Did I mention that Tom is a high school drop out?

It is not over yet, folks. Tom continues to play the crazy game in London, when a prank show used a fake mic to spray water into the War of the Worlds leading man’s face, arguably being the most amusing moment I have witnessed this summer.

Tom heartily disagreed.

At first, it looked as if Tom would laugh. But oh no, he turned into the angry, middle aged scientologist he truly is. He then began to call the man a jerk, ridicule him, and cause more of a scene than was originally existent. Click here if you want to read the article and see the video.

Finally, let’s just take a look at his love life. He moved from Mimi Rogers to Nicole Kidman to Penelope Cruz to Katie Holmes. Not only did he convince all of them to take scientology classes and convert while with him (not many stayed with the religion, though) but he is consistently moving onto younger and younger and younger women. We all know the relationship with Holmes won’t last. Especially since her agent is exchanging personal numbers with Cruise’s agent as we speak.

So, long story short…the once loved, adored and unchaperoned boy in his underwear has now turned into a freak religion crazed, craddle robbing, Brooke Shields hating, crazy like a bunny freak.

I bet its because he’s not out yet.

Small update…

If you would like to see other videos of Tom, such as him beating up Oprah on national television, or proclaiming his love to an entire audience in a very Norman Bates fashion, click on the respective links.

Beginnings

June 24, 2005

After speaking with a friend of mine, I have been cajoled into entering into the almost deceased trend of blogging. And why not? It’s not like I have anything better to do with my time. So I might as well let the internet community know this by blogging on a regular basis.
Apparently, there should be some sort of trend when it comes to blogging. A topic, of sorts. I’ll just write about what happens to me or what I hear or see, and hopefully that will be enough to hold your interest.
Lastly, I leave with you something that I’m slightly nervous about. This is the test to find out as to whether or not I have a) any talent, b) any humor, and c) the ability to hold some one’s attention.
Let the games begin.

Check check one two?