Vamp Is The New Camp

A few friends and I went out to brunch on Sunday before going to see Twilight. This was the plan. We eat a fulfilling meal at Friend of a Farmer down in Union Square. Really, there are very few things that start the day off in such an awesome way. You all should go check it out for Sunday brunch, but be prepared for a line.

After brunch, we went to the theatre to get in line for the movie. An hour early. Which may sound a little much, but when you factor in that at least 3 of the 5 of us were ready to stiff arm 14 year old girls in order to get a decent seat in the theatre, you’ll appreciate the steps we took to avoid chaos.

After settling into our seats, securing popcorn and freaking the fuck out over a Harry Potter trailer [I hope you people don't come here for high culture...], the movie began, along with our incessant ridicule of everything thereafter.

This movie was as difficult to watch as it was to read. And I say that in the best way it can be taken. I read all four books, and if more come out, I have no other option but to read them all as well. However, I will hate myself every word of the way. Mostly because they are all just dripping with all this teenage angst that acts as a poison to anyone over the age of 18. Also, there are only so many times you can read about someone’s “smoldering, topaz eyes” before going completely ape shit insane. If I ever get an attack dog, the kill command will be “topaz eyes”.

I think that because I read the book, I was prepared to see the movie for what I actually think it should be viewed as. An awesomely low brow, bottom of the barrel budget, campy-beyond-measure movie. After seeing it just once, I imagined a Rocky Horror Picture Show-esque relation to Twilight evolving, where audience members would scream things at the screen, just in time for the actors to answer in a mildly comic, but always slightly filthy, way.

Honestly, I can’t see how anyone could view the movie any differently. With scenes like Edward shimmering like a body glittered man in the summer sun during Pride Week and Bella staring as if it WASN’T the gayest thing witnessed by a living being in the history of ever, you can’t argue the campy value.

But that’s totally okay. Did I rip apart the movie for the ridiculous dialogue, over-acting [I don't think anyone can portray a sad emo teen falling in love without me mocking them out or peeing myself laughing] and ridiculous make-up? My ethical beliefs would allow nothing less! However, I loved it for all the same reasons. It’s as if the movie were so horrible, it just completely circled back around to being awesome.

Which is probably why I attended a free screening last night, too. Try not to judge me too harshly.

IN. THE BRAIN.

I wash my hands thoroughly after EVERY bathroom visit. Because if you don’t, you’re a sicko. But it’s shit like this that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can control my hygiene, and alter my life so that I am the cleanest person ever. All it takes, though, is for one of the “Uncleans” to touch me. And then BAM. Worm in my head.

Thinking about this is making my skin itch and my brain feel like it’s full of pork worms.

[via Buzzfeed]

$2 Rebel

Last night after dinner, while rushing to the subway to get out of the -50 degree weather, God and the Baby Jesus decided that my day was too positive, and that not enough negativity existed in my life. So they remedied the situation by way of two police officers, a summons and a $100 fine.

While going through the revolving door in the subway station, I realized my Metro card wasn’t working. I usually have a monthly pass, but it had just expired, so I began fumbling around at the ticket machine trying to buy just a $2, single ride ticket. My co-worker offered me his card to use, but I said I felt bad stealing a ride from him, so I’ll just hop in and share a fare.

Let me just say that out of all the dumb shit I have done in this city, I should be grateful that this is what I get busted for.

Two cops walk over to us and ask “You know why we’re talking to you, right?”. Thus began a 30 minute process of us sitting in the Union Square subway police station, getting written up, fined $100 [each!] and being summoned to court sometime in December. For sharing a $2 subway ride.

I’ll definitely be paying for both tickets because it was my dumb ass that applied the ’sharing is caring’ philosophy to the turnstile. But first I’m going to see what I can do about getting the fine reduced [if not eliminated entirely], because I just sat down to do the math, and that is a 5,000% increase.

And if I do end up spending $200 on this, the family isn’t getting a damn thing from me on Christmas besides a hug, some high fives and a homemade card.

I Forgot To Ask To See His Tongue

Last week I attended an awards luncheon for those who work in media. Those in attendance were welcomed with some drinks, a really nice lunch and an awards presentation. The winners received recognition in the industry, an award and some awkward time on stage to thank people.

Oh. And we all got to meet Gene Simmons. Because he hosted the event. Which totally makes sense and isn’t out of the ordinary at all.

On the schedule for the lunch, they listed Gene as a “Rock God and Media Mogul”. Which seems silly to me because I’ve always just viewed him as that KISS member with the unnervingly long tongue. Which I suppose is more than enough cred needed to attain “Rock God” status, but the media mogul part still had me a bit in the dark.

Gene Simmons

During his speech, though, he let us all know how wide spread KISS is, in almost every single way. They have everything from lunch boxes to t-shirts. And, as he made me aware, condoms and caskets. “We get ‘em when they’re coming and we get ‘em when they’re going”, Gene told the audience.

So after presenting awards to all the winners [my boss included!] and making thinly veiled innuendos towards all the blondes in the audience, the luncheon ended and most people began to head back to work. Most people.

Myself and two co-workers decided that the one thing we were missing in our lives was a picture with Gene Simmons. And if we only had this picture, then our lives, they would be set. So we fought our way up on stage, making our boss wait at the table, and snapped this little piece of history.

Gene & The Gang

What I found funny was that throughout the entire meal, he didn’t wear those sunglasses. Then, as soon as he walked on stage, they appeared on his face out of nowhere. KISS magic. It’s crazy.

I Will Fight You, Small Child

My belief is a very simple one. When I meet a celebrity, they will all the sudden realize how imperative I am to their lives, and they will want to adopt me as a best friend, confidant and money-pourer-into. It really isn’t a demanding wish, just something that will enable me to be the best I can be. And the ‘best I can be’ is more than likely related to how many celebrities want me on their dodgeball team. You know, the games they play where the winner gets a free extra wing on thier house and the loser has to fund the next episode of ‘Home Makeover’. Really, it’s fairly routine.

Then I see this garbage, and  I realize that my destined celebrity status was nothing more than lies. Lies, and maybe poorly advised college career counsiling. That upsets me mainly for ONE reason…

I’m HOW OLD and this little child of a boy gets celebrity coverage [aka Obama]?? That makes me cringe….but only half as much as the video. That this little boy had recess, a chicken nugget lunch, finished they’re spelling assignment, and then proceeded to become besties with the president-elect.

Long story short? Little boy, I’ll totally fight you. Let’s do it to it.

Give Me

This is totally old news by now, but whatever. I need to get out of my system how in love I am with these Shiba puppies.

He knows we're watching!

Look at those fucking puppies and tell me your heart isn’t just exploding due to cuteness overload. Only a soulless banshee could refuse the face of that puppy!

They’ve been on a live video stream for the past week or so, and can I tell you that I keep the window minimized at work and the volume turned up so that if I hear one of they bark, I can check on them? I’m grossly obsessed with these puppies. From a mental health standpoint, I’m fairly sure I’m out in the deep end. On the flip side, though, watching puppies during the work day is fan-freaking-tastic. I don’t care how horrible you’re day is, if you tune in and just watch them for 2 minutes you will be a happier human being. I promise you.

Head on over here to watch the live stream, read their names, check out some pictures and find out their most recent weight. So basically, if you’re a sick puppy stalker like me, go on and make it your homepage.

Time Waster Tuesday – Your Finances

Having finally semi-sort of admitted to growing up, I figured it was time to take my finances a bit more seriously. Here’s a quick list of what this will entail…

• Treating my paycheck like I should, and not pretending I’m in college and don’t have rent to pay
• Putting money into a savings account
• Consider an IRA
• Sign up for direct deposit, rather than an actual check
• Doing that budget nonsense
• Not being an overall jackass with money

Yeah. Thus far, I’ve been pretty horrible with the money thing. Like, “John has 73 bucks until the next paycheck, let’s hope canned soup will do till next Thursday” horrible.

So, in an effort to be a bit more responsible, I’ve begun working with a budgeting system to help limit my spending. And holy hell, is it ever depressing.

Mint.com

I heard about Mint from a co-worker, and decided recently that this would be a positive step in my self-improvement. Here’s how it works. You upload your financial data [bank accounts, credit cards etc] to the site, and begin tagging transactions just like you would a blog post. Mint then takes everything you have, and breaks it out into an easy to use pie chart depicting how much money you spent in the past month on entertainment, bars, bills etc. Mint is a secure site, so when you log on, you’re promised the same type of security you get on your personal online banking site. So basically, no worries on any identity theft or what not. Who’d want to assume my broke-ass identity is beyond me, but I’m sure some of you have fiscally enviable lives, so rest assured.

Pie Chart Example

Here’s where the time waster will come in. Mint has so much shit you can do to save money, budget your life and tighten your wallet, you’ll become obsessed. Every little thing you do gets plugged into its internal calculator. After which, you can go in and change transactions from an unknown status to, say, “Travel”, so you’re more accurate when it comes time to evaluate your spending.

Then, after reviewing your spending history, you can give yourself monthly budgets. So if you tend to dish out about $200 a month in dining out, you can lower that to maybe $150. Mint will then email you when you’re getting close to your limit, just to make sure you won’t go over. They’ll also give you advice on better credit cards, the best way to pay off student loans, save for retirement and more.

I spent about 2 hours on the site last night, organizing transactions, setting budgets and checking out different tools on the site. Though honestly, about an hour of that time was spent sobbing over what a reckless money monkey I am, but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is that with this site, you’ll be wasting your time on something that can very feasibly help you in the long run.

Head on over to Mint and sign up, and make sure to check out their blog here.