Tegan & Sara

So you should know that I’m obsessed with the twin super girl indie rock band from Canada, Tegan & Sara*. They’re easily in my top 5 bands, and I got to go see them in concert at the beginning of the month. This was the second leg of their tour, which differed greatly from the first, mainly because they played a lot of their older stuff that they apparently don’t usually play at concerts. They also did a cover of Umbrella, which I can only hope will be released in a non-YouTube format sometime soon, that blew me away.

But this isn’t about their concert, but rather what I found on YouTube the other day!

I’ve been listening to these about 8x each everyday at work.

In the ‘More Info’ section, you can click ahead to the other songs that Tegan and Sara performed for a podcast called Interface Sessions. Head on over and you can download the podcast and enjoy these acoustic versions without the hassle of YouTube.

Lastly, while looking up links for this post, I found that Tegan and Sara have a YouTube channel with different web series. Definitely check it out. They also have some music videos I, for some reason, haven’t seen yet.

I’m such a horrible fanatic.

*I kept re-writing that description of them, but couldn’t come up with anything that made me feel less ashamed of my writing ability. Sad.

True Words

Andrea: I thought of you earlier today.

Me: Oh yeah?

Andrea: I was watching the McCain / Palin speech in PA.

Me: Ugh.

Andrea: They brought up Joe the Plumber again! You know, he’s going to be around for a long time…

Me: And Jane the engineer? Molly the dental hygienist? Chuck the teacher?! They’re all so great!

Andrea: You know why I’m disappointed in our country?

Me: Why?

Andrea: No one has looped Thomas the tank engine in on any of this.

Me: YES!

Andrea: I expected more from people.

I Want It

I want it NOW.

[via Buzzfeed]

Commencing Freakout

I need to go home now to change my pants.

Opening July 17th!

Halloween!

All weekend, the best horror and Halloween stuff has been on TV. Bravo had The Exorcist. The Ring has been playing on TNT. And ABC Family had Poltergeist, Beetlejuice and Hocus Pocus. The last two of which are arguably the best movies ever. Go ahead. Try and watch those movies and not love every moment of your life while doing so. It’s impossible.

I get so excited about Halloween. There’s so many awesome things that go along with it, I just get wrapped up in it all. I love the fall weather, the Halloween parties, the scary movies and haunted houses, and the total acceptance of gorging on candy. MOST OF ALL the total acceptance of gorging on candy.

The problem I always end up having, though, is dedication to the costume portion of the whole thing. I begin thinking about it in early September, forget about the whole thing until October arrives, start to worry about it again and then procrastinate until the week before I actually need to get dressed up.

Then I end up going to a Halloween party wearing all black and blue coloring gel and calling myself ‘emo’. And others behind my back called me ‘lameface’.

This year really won’t be any different. Because, just like every other Halloween in years past, I’ve slacked off so hardcore that I have virtually no time to put together any type of costume. One year in college, I had put off costume shopping until the very last possible moment. The party was that night, it was 3 in the afternoon, and I had nothing. So rather than even attempt heading out to shop for something, I put together a random bunch of clothes from my closet and called it a day.

My plan was this. When someone would ask what I was, I would tell them to guess. Whatever they said, I told them no, not right, guess again. And regardless of what they said on their second guess, I told them yes! That’s right! That is SO what I was going for in this costume I totally DIDN’T just throw together a couple hours ago!

I’m debating pulling that half-assed costume stunt again, but if I can figure out a way to drag my lazy ass to a Ricky’s or something, maybe I can pull something together. I’m thinking maybe Joe the Plumber [maybe Mario, the ORIGINAL plumber?]. Or even Ashley Todd…

Crazy

What a great costume this could make. Topical. Insane. Easy to execute.

Hmm…I might just have my costume…

Funny Thing? The RAs Had A Staff Meeting On This Issue

Way, way long ago, I was an RA. I guided my residents through their college careers, personal problems and ridiculous predicaments. If you know me in the slightest…you know that’s pretty damn hilarious.

Seriously, though, I think I did a good job. My residents liked and respected me, and vice versa. That being said, if I was EVER the RA on a floor where I had to hang up this shit on the bathroom doors, I might have just pissed myself dead from laughing too hard.

Click to enlarge (haha, I made a pun...get it?...enlarge?...semen?...HA!)

What type of fucked up showers are these kids taking?! You need to be skipping classes, losing sleep, not eating and just plain rubbing yourself raw in order to create enough semen to cause MEMO WORTHY WARNINGS. Like, these people jerked off enough that many people sat down and discussed how big of a problem it was. Someone during this meeting had to say “And moving on to the masturbation issue…”

In my professional estimation*, it would take about 30 post-pubescent men jerking off 5 times a day, 7 days a week, in order to make any slight difference in the plumbing flow of a standard drainage unit. I’ll say it because it needs to be said. Huzzah on your stamina!

I can only imagine the floor meeting that would be required of me once this news was announced to my floor. And, I’ll be completely transparent with you, the amount of teasing I would have to accomplish within that time to make these kids feel disgusting and dirty enough to believe that the devil will indeed make you blind and take your soul is tremendous. I say that because if I’m forced to talk about skeet skeet to you, I’m going to make you pay for it.

Don’t judge me, though. There are RARELY opportunities that cross your path where you can legitimately yell at a group of guys for masturbating so much that their jizzum could cause flooding to an entire building. You’d totally enjoy flipping out, too.

*Professional because I masturbate.

(via Retarded’s Notebook…this is silly, but I don’t like that word and just needed to voice that)

Best Goodbye Email Ever

Long story short, apparently someone was fired from JP Morgan and sent a goodbye email to all their co-workers [the list of people CC'd on it is way too long to post]. And apparently someone is now my new favorite person ever.

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “meets expectation.”

That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets.  ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can’t believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I’m happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company’s rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it’s a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us “faceless little people” more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient (“because it’s good for the company”) in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don’t bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!

________________________________

Richard Meth

Managing Director

JP Morgan Investment Management

245 Park Avenue

New York, NY 10167

P: 212.648.2763

F: 212.648.1965

richard.meth@jpmorgan.com

The Army Is Forming

Last night, Sarah Palin was interviewed by Drew Griffin of CNN. According to her, Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher [doesn't that sound like a wrestler from 1972?] is representing so many people, including “…Jane the engineer and Molly the dental hygienist and Chuck the teacher”.

I don’t know about anyone else, but John the media planner thinks that Sarah Palin’s little army is starting to look alarmingly like the Verizon network people. 

Joe, Jane, Molly, Chuck et al

See the video here or read the article here.

Risque Adventures

Last Friday night, I ended up at a burlesque bar down on the lower east side. I don’t remember how we got there, but I’m like, 100% confident it was all my doing.

I’ve never been to a burlesque show, but walking in all I could think was “I’ve been to strip clubs, and I’ve seen plenty of drag shows. This’ll be cake”. You guys, those are totally famous last words. Because if you say something along the lines of how easy a certain task will be, it will so turn out to be a shit show in the end. And if you say something along those lines while going to something like a burlesque bar, then you’re just gonna get all types of mentally F’d in the A.

It started off simple enough, with a topless woman swaying to a song for about 6 minutes. Standard for the course, I’d say. Then an androgynous looking woman got up on stage in short shorts and a small, tight tube top and just danced for what seemed like 20 minutes. This would have grown boring real fast, if it weren’t for the man in the thong wearing a vest, a fez and monkey ears, hopping around the bar and picking fleas out of people’s hair. He added that interesting, artistic touch the performance so desperately craved.

Between acts, this guy dressed as an angel…cupid…in a diaper would just talk to the crowd. About what I have not a clue, because it was too difficult to pay attention due to the fact that there was a 34 year old wasted baby on stage, but he kept most people engaged.

After a couple hours [yes, I was there that long] I got comfortable. Inter-kids, word of warning. Never EVER get comfortable at a burlesque bar.

This woman in a long, red dress walked up on stage with a wine or champagne bottle in her hand. Music started playing, and she stood there swaying back and forth to the beat. The more she got into the song, the more she got out of her clothes, until she was holding the bottle in one hand and just casually danced to the music while being all types of naked. If it weren’t for the nudity, she could be that lady who dances at the GAP while looking at v-neck sweaters.

However, all fantasies of dancing GAP lady exploded all over the place when the lady took the narrow part of the bottle and put it all up into her vagina house for a visit. Then, with the other hand, she began knocking at her own front door.

This lasted all of 4 seconds, and then her set ended. People clapped and began chatting with their friends and I began picking up the ruined pieces of all that is good and decent in my world. Not because I was offended or anything, but rather because I had not expected anything close to this to happen in my presence. The only comparison I can think of is you’re heading out to the post office and, I don’t know, a lady shoves a wine bottle all up in her business instead. Something like that.

What I wonder about now, though, is something far more worrying. What happens to the bottle? It was totally full, so was it thrown away? Or was she totally thinking something like “This pinot noir will be so tasty with some pasta” and just put it up on her fridge? Will she share it with friends? And if so, as the night begins and the bottle is opened, does the conversation start with “Here’s a funny story…”

A Little Like 8 Mile, But Without The Emimen Related Nausea

Last night I went to go see a one-man hip-hop musical down at The Duke called Clay.

The story goes like this. A little boy struggles through his parents’ divorce and subsequent family struggles with little success, until several years later, he stumbles into a book store in Brooklyn. The talented and tragic wordsmith who works there, Sir John, takes the quiet kid under his wing and molds him into the most talented Jewish rapper to come out of Westchester.

I shit you not.

Matt Sax in Clay

A little bit of transparency on this? I totally thought I would uncomfortably laugh all the way through this thing. First, just the mention of a “one man show” gives me that horrible feeling of being so embarrassed for what’s happening that I want to just crawl into a corner and die a quick death, preferably with a bag over my head so no one can tell it was me in attendance.

Secondly, hip-hop musical? Sure, okay. Also, my toe nail clippings attack neighbors in the night and leave them with irritating, half-moon marks all over their bodies. Because that sounds just as likely to successfully happen, right?

Well, this post would be in poor taste if the answer was “You betcha” (Sarah Palin, you twat, you’ve ruined that phrase forever).

The show was actually really, really good. After getting over the initial adjustment of what character the actor, Matt Sax, was playing (which took all of 7 minutes), I got really into the music and performance. The music was great, the rapping and beat boxing were on point and Matt Sax did a pretty awesome job keeping the audience entertained.

WHICH, by the way, was no easy feat, because about half of the audience was over the age of 50 and most likely only endure the upbeat musical stylings of Kenny G. And only if it’s a Friday night and they’re having a wine cooler with dinner.

But, in hindsight, that added to the awesomeness of the show. Not Kenny G (NEVER Kenny G), but rather the fact that so many different people were in the audience to check this show out. And let me tell you, it ended with a standing ovation.

A few reasons to see the show? Well, it’s different, and you would so totally be the just coolest cat in your crew if you were all “I went to a hip-hop musical” and all they could say is how they hung out at that same lame bar on the lower east side. Also, the show is part of LCT3, which is the Lincoln Center Theater’s emerging program meant to give voice to emerging playwrights, directors and designers. Which is just pretty much awesome.

You can read more about Clay and watch some videos here, and head on over and buy some tickets for just $20 here. Hurry up, though, the show ends Nov. 8th.