Prints On Sale

I told you about some of the prints I fell in love with on Threadless the other week, all priced at $35. Which is an awesome price.

But for this week only they’re on sale for $25! Go check them out, the sale is until the 20th!

Vermin: 2, John Still 0

I am under attack in my own home. I can never win.

There is one singular mosquito that is living in my room who only comes out at night to feast on the succulent dish that is me. I have mosquito bites EVERYWHERE on my body. My hands, my feet, my legs, my back, my neck…

There’s a mosquito bite between my butt cheeks, you guys. This is getting out of hand.

And I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to buy bug bombs and make my room a high level hazardous zone capable of bleaching my skin if I accidentally touch the thing. And I have tried doing the whole Karate Kid thing by just sitting on my bed, not moving, just waiting for the bug to land somewhere near me. But the damn thing is like David Blaine and disappears right out from under my hand, only to reappear on the couch with it’s middle finger waving in the air and a little bug wine glass full of my blood.

Fuck you, David Blaine bug.

And the itching this thing has caused me. Lord Jesus in heaven, the itching! It’s like there are little tiny time bombs placed all over my body, and without the slightest provocation, one will explode in a hailstorm of itches. And knowing my luck, it will only be a matter of time when the bug bite bomb on my butt blows up. Oh God, internet, the inappropriate itching that will commence on that dreaded day.

I’m afraid of what my life has become, going to bed with the knowledge that when I wake up, I will be covered in new marks, have new itches, and more than likely find an increasingly not okay spot to get bitten, which is followed up by an increasingly not okay spot to scratch.

No one should wake up knowing they have a bite marks on their private parts. Nobody.

…

Well maybe somebody. But if I’m not tolerating the mosquito, then I sure as hell won’t tolerate them.

Time Waster Tuesday – Buzzfeed

One of the things that I check [almost] as obsessively as my email and facebook, is BuzzFeed.

You’ve probably seen it on sidebars of blogs and in links sent your way. BuzzFeed provides me with most of the links I forward on to people on a daily basis, some of which I post here.

So not only does it provide me with some of the best articles to read and videos to watch during the day, but links to other blogs and sites writing about that same topic. Which I obviously read, and more often than not find more links to read…

And now I’ve been plunged face first into a never ending vortex of links. It’s like being suffocated by awesomeness.

World Champion Crochet-Jump Roper?

I sent my friend, Chris, a link about chess boxing, an incredibly AWESOME sport where players play chess, then box, then repeat several times. Queen to B5….UPPERCUT! Can you control your screams of excitement? I BET NOT!

Chris, on the other hand, could not have cared less. In fact, chess boxing to him was silly. Which is bizarre to me, only because did you not click that link above? Chess. And boxing. Both. At the same. Time.

God. God was involved in this. God and, like, Timbaland. Because this is some cool shit.

But a fun game came out of it. Pick two things and make them into one sport where you would be one of the elite players.

In John’s world of sports, here is what I would be great at…

• Hop-scotch and Go Fish
• Monopoly and Thumb Wrestling
• Balderdash and Drinking

Come to find out, I have HUGE reserves of untapped potential.

Let’s get these games off the ground!

Hipster Bingo!

I can’t go to the bathroom without tripping over 3/4’s of the things on this board. In fact, I think all the people on here can be seen on my Facebook page.

(via BuzzFeed)

Magic Bathroom Time: Part 3

And the adventure continues. These emails didn’t come back to back, rather that is how I’m posting them. These first three came in within a one month period. So, judging on how long the construction will take, I’m sure there are going to be some other great stops on our lavatory experience.

The Magical Mystery Tour of renovations is about to begin in earnest. Don’t worry earnest has Afflack.

In the next couple of weeks you might notice some things eerily shifted about in the pantry/ fax-copy areas on floors 3-7.

Do not be afraid! I assure you it is only the work of my guys prepping the space for the renovations. Or is it?

Now let’s go spin the big wheel and see which floor will receive the deluxe treatment first.

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP — BEEP—BEEP—BEEP——BEEP——BEEP——–BEEP —————– ——————–BEEP!

And the winner is ……..The Fourth Floor. Congratulations!

Work is slated to begin during the week of July 14th-18th. We hope to have it completed in about five weeks.

A more definitive schedule will be sent out next week of when and how long the fourth floor pantry/restrooms will be out of commission.

In the mean time remember to have your pets spayed or neutered.

I have never in all my life been more excited about construction than I am right now. I can be honest in telling you that, sitting on the second floor, I am nothing but JEALOUS of what the fourth floor is getting to experience in the upcoming weeks.

Bugs On Drugs

I love nature.

John McCain Hates Us

To be honest, I’m sure this 19 second clip was taken somewhat out of context. Or it was McCain’s attempt at a joke. Which is actually somewhat more likely, considering his previous gaffe with the comedic side of things.

Even still. Really McCain? You need to hire someone who will be able to help you with your timing and delivery, because this is getting to be too much. I enjoy a few jokes, and think that kidding around on the campaign trail is all well and good. It shows how human and down to Earth you can be.

This is not working for you, though. So maybe you should stop. Because the only time I do laugh is when you never had intended me to in the first place.

Magic Bathroom Time: Part 2

So at this point in our adventure, most of the floors only have new sinks and flushers on the toilet. Apparently, there have been a few complaints about how half the bathroom is fancy, while the rest is decrepit and nauseating.

We hope you are enjoying the first phase of the restroom renovations. I think you will all agree the auto- flushers/faucets are a big improvement.

Some of you may have wondered about the sinks and counters? You know who you are. Let’s just say they are part of a bigger picture.

More mystical phases are to come including: new stalls, lighting, painting and some nice surprises.

A full work schedule will be made available to you in the near future.

In the mean-time please bear with us on our magical journey as we try to go from wasteful rest-stop johns to ( and I know you are going to find this hard to believe) green upscale spas!

Tah-dah!

Some nice surprises? In the bathroom? Get excited, people.

Stay tuned to find out where this fantastical bathroom journey will lead us.

Time Waster Tuesday – Puzzle Farter

If you’re looking for something to do with your day other than the work you’re getting paid to do, then here. This is my present to you.

Puzzle Farter.

Seriously, you guys. This game is so awesome.

You play this little fish-headed thing wearing a sweater and glasses who is going from level to level by flying with his flatulence. The levels start off pretty easy, but progressively get harder and harder, as you have to deal with fish on stilts, ducks in gym jerseys and cats throwing paper airplanes. Basically anything sharp or moving can hurt you.

Every time you get touched by one of these, you lose a star. Lose 3 stars, and you lose a life. Keep an eye out for the little bubbles, though, scattered throughout different levels. These are extra lives, and they definitely come in handy.

Did I mention that every time you gas up, the game farts. And in a variety of tones, no less!

It’s all so ridiculous and born out of a heavy weed user, making it perfect for wasting some time between excel sheets. Enjoy.