Last week, about a dozen or so co-workers and I took a Friday off and headed out to Six Flags in Jersey. Before I continue with the story, I should tell you we went in a party bus, complete with beer and booze, and we went home in a party bus, with beer and booze [albeit less than before]. In between was roller coasters and junk food and pretending you’re 14 years old. This is the best way to spend a day at Six Flags.
The second best is to go with family and bear witness to an act of assault, public indecency and robbery. All at the same time. Because really, have you ever been on a family vacation that didn’t involve one, if not all, of these? If not, you’re doing it wrong.
A few years back, my brother, aunt and I headed down to Jersey to visit our cousin, who lives in the Six Flags area. At the time, she worked every so often as an emergency medic at the park, so she was able to score us tickets. Before going into the park, we convinced my aunt to take us through the Wild Safari area of the park.
So in case you haven’t heard of this, Interkids, the Wild Safari is part of the amusement park where you can drive your car down a long, paved road while being surrounded by animals. Rhinos, ostriches, giraffes, lions and more. Of course the animals that kill for pleasure are kept behind fences, but the rest are left to roam around the park as you drive through. And there are a host of rules you need to follow, per Six Flags’ site…
In order to ensure the health and safety of our animals, we require all our guests to comply with our Guest Code Of Conduct:
1. Do NOT feed or touch the animals
2. NO smoking or littering
3. Do NOT exit your vehicle or roll down windows
4. Speed limit 12 MPH
5. Remain on roadway — animals have right of way
6. Pets are not allowed in any Six Flags Park
We broke four of those six rules. In about 15 minutes.
So Auntie Jan agreed to drive her car through the safari, based solely upon my cousin’s promise that nothing will happen, she drives her car through all the time and nothing happens.
And nothing did happen. We drove past the lions, the kangaroos, the giraffes and elephants. We got to a see a kangaroo up close, feed a baby giraffe and drive by white tigers [broken: rules #1, #2 and #3]. It was awesome.
After you past all the calm and caged animals, you come to a fork in the road. Here, you can decide to either go back to the parking lot of the park and head to the rides, or continue through Monkey Village, or some other ridiculously named stretch of roadway, inhabited only by monkeys.
Seriously. You’re going to show two kids a sign about monkeys and expect them to not go ape shit? Pun intended, thanks. So my aunt turned into Simian City or whatever, and within 2 minutes, you guys. Two minutes. Bam. Monkeys. Everywhere.
Monkeys running all batshit crazy over the grass, trees, road and cars is nothing short of heaven for any child between the ages of 4 and however old I’ll be when it becomes not fucking the awesomest thing in the history of ever. My aunt was smart to lock all the windows and doors.
We had to keep stopping the car because little monkey gangs would erupt out of nowhere on the road, causing some sort of little monkey gang fight, complete with little monkey curses and little monkey theatrics. You guys, it was like watching a bunch of children wrapped head to toe in duct tape try to play musical chairs on an ice rink.
The little monkey gangs would run over cars, play on the roof, and run onto the next car, all while doing crazy little monkey Broadway dances. Monkey ruckus in the road. Jump on a car. Monkey play on the roof. Jump off a car. Repeat forever.
So when the monkeys came to our car, my aunt immediately tensed up, but assumed she was safe. I mean, the little monkey gang passed over all the other cars. Why would they victimize hers? Even her own daughter assured her nothing would happen.
If someone ever starts a statement with “Don’t worry, the monkeys won’t…” just stop and leave. Because the monkeys will.
The monkeys did their little monkey dance all over the car. The monkeys had their little monkey gang fight on the hood of the car. The monkeys performed their little monkey theatrics in the road. And one little monkey sat spread eagle on the driver’s side rear view mirror and began to jerk off his own little monkey. While making eye contact with Auntie Jan.
The length of the eye contact was disturbing.
Then my aunt snapped out of it, and slammed on the gas pedal. 10 feet later she slammed on the brakes. She kept doing this, trying to get the little monkey to fall off her rear view mirror and off of her car. But the little monkey grabbed onto the windshield and held on. With one hand. Because the other hand continuously kept up with his previous job between his legs.
If we can remove ourselves from my aunt’s car for just a moment. Just so we can put into mind the image of a horrified middle aged woman driving a car with two boys dying from laughter in the backseat, one 20 something daughter peeing herself in the front, 30 little monkeys performing river dance, and one little monkey rubbing one out on the driver’s side window of a silver Volkswagen as it jerks down a road in the middle of a safari jungle in Jersey. Got it? Good.
The little monkey kept rocking back and forth as my aunt tried to shake him loose, which I only think aided him in his original endeavor. Then the little monkey lost his grip [on both hands] and began to fall. As he fell to the ground, he grabbed the weather stripping around my aunt’s windshield, and repelled down the side of the car and onto the road, leaving the weather stripping lying on the ground.
It took my aunt about 25 feet before she finally stopped the car, got out, and turned to get the weather stripping. You read that correctly. My aunt was heading back towards the little masturbating monkey to pick up a piece of plastic. The thrill of round two must have almost been too much for the little monkey.
But before my aunt could even get to the back of the car, a single little monkey ran out of the woods, threw the weather stripping over it’s shoulder, and bolted back to where it came from. The weather stripping never to be seen again [Rules broken: #3 and #4. Although you would think that somehow, more state and federal ones would have somehow come into play in this situation].
I think the little monkeys are building a car to escape Jersey, because given their situation, that is the only rational explanation. I mean, come on. It’s Jersey.
It’s the effort that makes it so adorable.
