T-Mobile Will Make You Bleed And/Or Steals Babies*

As of this Friday, you are going to be reading the blog of a Verizon Wireless customer. Those of you who wish to chat with me via cellular telephone and who have Verizon can talk with me for hours on end with no fear of a loss of minutes. If you don’t have Verizon, let me tell you why you should.

For about 6 years I’ve had T-Mobile. No real problems with them, other than some random no-service areas, which is something that everyone I’m sure suffers from. Even when I would break my phone, they’d be pretty responsive and help me through the process of extending my contract and getting a new one.

However, for the past month and a half, I’ve been attempting to switch from my current T-Mobile account [a shared one with my mother] to another one that can take full advantage of the corporate discounts I’m eligible for. Thus began the Cell Crisis of 2007.

When I first spoke with them, T-Mobile said that if I wanted to switch over to a new account and enact my benefits, then I’d lose my number. Having had the same number for 6 years, I would sooner saw my toes off and use them as door stops than lose it and have to start my life anew.

After some consideration [a couple of weeks] I decided that there must be a way I can argue my point and retain my number. After getting on the phone with them again, they said sure, I can keep the number no problem! Why would I not be able to keep it?

I should have realized this switch around was the beginning of a fun house mirror maze designed to make me weep with frustration.

So after having settled that, the customer care agents said that I needed to be send over to the account authorization people to start up a new account. I was put on hold. I was then told that I needed the account holder’s position to enable me to switch to a new account. My mother, who gave permission 3 weeks prior, was put on the phone and gave permission again.

Sidenote. There is nothing that makes me feel like less of a full grown man than having to put mommy on the phone so that the grown ups can talk and make sure everything is all right and ready to go.

So after my mother verified with them, they sent me over to the customer care people so I could set up which number on the account would be switched and what not. I was put on hold. After they answered, customer care told me I needed to go back to account authorization for some God awful reason. I was put on hold.

Seasons began to change.

Account authorization said that in order for me to switch over my number, I would need to upgrade my plan, since the contract ran out in July. Which is surprising, because no one told me about that at all. So I was sent to customer care. I was put on hold.

At this point I hope you’re getting the general idea of how my time was spent with them. I keep envisioning some sort of crazy square dancing party [is that redundant?] where “customer care’ and “account authorization” keep throwing me back and forth between the two while they each spin me around and dip me.

Customer care arrived and told me that in order for me to get an upgrade on my plan, they would need to speak with the account holder in order to verify this was okay. Which is when I started to go bat shit bonkers. I said that they had just talked to the account holder [mom] 20 minutes ago to ask for permission to let me move off the account. Why did they need to speak to her again, or at the very least, why did you not ask her for TWO permissions at the same time?

The customer care person said okay, but that if I wanted to keep my number and move to my new account with the corporate benefits, he would need to switch me over to account authorization so they could start a new account for me. I was put on hold.

Its like the “chicken vs. egg” scenario on cocaine, you guys. I couldn’t foresee any type of conclusion, because these people only wanted me to suffer until I died in obscurity. An obscurity caused by a lack of communication with the outside world due to the explosion of my cell phone and head.

Account authorization never came. They never came, you guys. The phone just disconnected. Probably because I had been on it for about an hour and the only thing that was accomplished was that I made about 8 moves on Scrabble, so either it or T-Mobile decided it was break time.

And in that moment, I said ‘FUCK T-Mobile’. I went online, headed to Verizon, called them up, and within 12 minutes, I had picked out a plan, a phone and secured my discount. Angels sang while GOD HIMSELF came down and gave the Verizon guy a high five and said ‘You rock’.

Suck it dry, T-Mobile. Suck it dry.

*Because in the end, isn’t that just as bad as poor cell service?