Gayest. Prison. Ever.

There’s so many questions I have right now, because this video makes my mind explode with its ridiculousness.

What was the cause of this? Was it low morale? Were the inmates not exercising? Was it a Kevin Bacon / Footloose scenario, where dance has once again been allowed into their sleepy, hum drum lives, forever freeing them from the shackles of conformity and despair and opening up a world full of jazz hands and spirit fingers? I can’t grasp this at all.

I’m also baffled by what must be the must bizarre and heated of social dynamics that exist here. Are the border dancers jealous of the inside dancers? Are the inside dancers the tops of the meat market? And who made that poor man dress up as a woman and run around in woman’s clothes, with his receding hairline exposed with his hair tied into a ponytail? How many times was his ass passed around like a salt shaker at dinner before the general prison public decided to throw a Michael Jackson party and shove him into the courtyard dressed up like a lady?

I have this conversation going on in my head right now between the warden and all the guards. “Men. You know what this prison needs? You know what these inmates NEED?” And all the guards are sitting there, holding their night sticks and getting all excited about the possibility of scheduled beatings or earlier curfews or whatever those people have to look forward to in their job.

“Dance. This place needs DANCE!” And like an ocean wave, it hits everyone that yes, THIS is what they have been waiting for, because nothing else in the world makes more sense than incorporating mass synchronized dance performances into the judicial system, and if someone tries to tell you differently, they’re a fucking liar, because dance has the power to rehabilitate even the most sociopathic of criminals and turn them into Donny Osmond, and that is what we need in this world. More Donny Osmond.

I bet that guy dressed as a lady got nailed by most of the inmates after they finished filming, though. A lot.