All Signs Point To ‘I Was A Dumb Kid’

I was grocery shopping today and the song If You Don’t Know Me By Now by Simply Red came on, and it shot me back to when I was 5 years old.

I didn’t know up until writing this post that Simply Red sang this song. Until I was about ten, I thought another famous person wrote it.

That famous person being Rumplestilskin.

See, when I was a kid, I always thought that Rumplestilskin was singing this song to the woman he kept prisoner. And he sang this song to her before she made her final guess as to what his name was. Which, even in my 22 year old head, makes nothing but the perfect sense. Because Rumplestilskin believed that if she didn’t know him by now, then she would never ever ever know him.

Oooh. No she won’t.

It made me think of all the other things that I had weird stuff I thought and did when I was little. For example…

The only thing I thought the zipper on the front of my pants was used for was making it easier for lazy people to put on pants. I never used the fly. Ever. It wasn’t until one day in third grade when I was peeing at the urinal in school when an older kid made fun of me for how I peed.

I think I should point out that, up until that very moment, pulling down my pants and underwear was a completely acceptable way of urinating.

So when the older kid walked into the bathroom and saw my bare ass standing at a urinal, pants around my ankles and mind concentrating on the job at hand, the urge to tease me mercilessly probably felt as strong as the urge to breathe, or eat. That was when I learned what the zipper was for. 3rd grade.

Another period in my life I believed that all that was involved in singing was breathing differently. So, when the people I babysat for got me an answering machine for Christmas, instead of recording an outgoing message, I would record myself singing so I could play it back and listen to my progress.

I thought this would surely improve my singing. If only I could breathe right. And if I didn’t sound amazing, then the breathing wouldn’t be correct.

I don’t think I abandoned this train of thought as much as I was embarrassed out of it. After a particularly grueling session of singing, I decided I needed a break and went out with a friend. When I got back, the answering machine was blinking. My jaw dropped and my entire insides turned to lead. I pressed the ‘Play’ button.

There was a long pause, then finally someone said ‘Uhh…this is Mike’s [my brother] baseball coach…um, practice is canceled today…alright…bye’.

I’m pretty sure this would be any one’s reaction if they heard a kid belting out One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men as an outgoing message.

I also had a lingering fear that masturbation did, indeed, cause acne. The fear was never great enough for me stop. But great enough for me to be really worried after.

All this makes me wonder what things I’ll look back on when I’m older that will make me think ‘I’m surprised I didn’t accidentally kill myself, I was so dumb’.

What about you? What things did you think and do when you were younger that you later realized were just completely wrong?