Education Starts In The Early Years

I’ve decided I’m going to dedicate this entire week to sex. Five posts, covering all that I’ve learned and experienced, regarding everything that is connected to anything sexual. Starting from the beginning.

I can actually condense all that knowledge into two posts and maybe a short, witty one liner, but I’ll be taking some artistic license in order to fill up the full week. If anything, though, it’ll be a fun journey through my life. Complemented by embarrassing photos of myself. So here it goes.
My first long term relationship was back in 1st grade with Nicole Champitto. She was three and a half feet of blonde bombshell with an obsession for pogs that rivaled my own. We spent all of our time with each other. In the classroom. On the playground. At my house. And even at my Aunt’s. We were inseparable.

I remember when our relationship went to the next level. We were both lying down next to each other on the living room floor, watching Out Of This World while eating candy Valentine’s Day hearts. I reached into the bag and pulled out a pink heart that said ‘I Love You’ on it, and then handed it to her.

Did you pick out this one on purpose?

…What?

This heart that says ‘I love you’.

…Oh…Um, no…wow, that’s weird, huh…

The sexual tension between us was obviously palpable. We broke up shortly thereafter, though, when she moved to New York after her parents divorced. I didn’t think I could face second grade without her.
During that same time, another woman started to become interested in what is apparently the best home smoked meats this side of the seesaw. Her name was Tara. My babysitter’s daughter. It seemed to me to be very sudden. For the longest time, all I could remember was her hating me with all the passion a third grader can have for a first grader. Then all of the sudden, one summer, we became attached at the hip. Unless, of course, I was with my other woman.

It was during this summer, after Nicole had moved away, that Tara and I were running around her house when we decided to ask her mother if we could play with Barbies in Ma and Pa’s RV. Ma and Pa were Tara’s grandparents, and they lived right next door. We were always between the two houses, usually because they would give us candy when Tara’s mom wouldn’t.
I can remember hiding around the corner when Tara asked her mother if we could go play Barbies in the camper. Her mother seemed surprised, and asked ‘John wants to play Barbies?’ Tara replied ‘Yeah!’, and I immediately became embarrassed and said under my breathe the first thing that came to mind; the phrase I had heard every adult I’d ever been in a car with utter during traffic.

Ahh you fuckin’ turkey!

15 minutes later, Tara and I made our way over to the camper with Barbie, Ken and other pudendum free pals for fun and games. Ken went to work. Barbie treated some sick animals, served some food on a jet, taught third grade and came home to make dinner [being Ken was always the boring part of the game...he had no fun costumes]. It wasn’t long until we both started to comment on the fact that Barbie and Ken all looked the same…down there.
A child’s mind is very A B C. The problem [A] arises. The thought process [B] ensues. John’s penis and Tara’s vagina [C] present themselves, solving said problem [A]. It was only a quick game of private parts peekaboo, but enough that each of us knew what the other was working with. After that, we found playing Barbies was trivializing our obvious genius in the matters of man and woman. We decided instead to drop Barbie and Ken out of the second floor window of Ma and Pa’s house in order to see whose head would pop off first.

These are my first memories of what I now realize to be something sexual in nature. At that age, it was never something sexual but just something new for me. It was somewhat the foundation of what I was to later learn about sex and love. Mainly what exactly sex was and how my pee-pee related to what I thought looked like, for the longest time since that RV escapade, an extra long wrinkly belly button.