My Subconscious Life Is So Much More Exciting Than The Conscious One

Last night, I had two bizarre dreams, and for the life of me can’t figure out either.

*Dream #1: I’m in a professional dance troupe. The kind that maybe Bravo may make a reality show out of, only because I distinctly remember there being four personalities within the troupe. Marv Albert. Woody Allen. Woody Allen’s Child Daughter Bride. And Stalin. The rest of the troupe were just supporting characters. The biggest part of any of the dances was when the giant Chinese dragon swooped in from stage right, roaring and dancing and swirling a long, green and red tail.

I got to be the dragon [finally...Woody Allen's Child Daughter Bride kept fighting with Marv Albert over who got the job] when I realized I totally fucked up the whole performance because I forgot to put on the second half of the costume, so Stalin came running on stage with the ass part of the dragon, and I was made a fool.

*Dream #2: I’m part of some sort of Scooby Doo Mystery caper event. Only it’s a lot more violent and there isn’t the fear of beastiality on behalf of a stoner and great dane. There was a blonde woman who was running around, committing all types of bad things, what I cannot tell you. When we finally caught her, we tried to take off her mask, and discovered that she was part snake underneath, rather than the opposite usually happening on Scooby Doo, where the sea monster is, SURPRISE, Mr. Jenkins.

Once we beat up the snake woman [which, in hindsight I don't think was entirely needed. I actually think she was handcuffed quite willingly], we shoved her inside a huge potato bag and covered her head.

Then she bit me.

Following all decency standards and societal expectations of the bitten, we decided to eat her. Through the potato bag.

Frankly, dreams about semi incestuous lovers, sexual predators and ruthless dictators dancing followed by me eating a snake woman hardly seems to be something not to worry about. Any more thought about the meaning of these dreams on my part will most assuredly result in the explosion of my head, pre-empted only by steam bursting from my ears like a kettle while my face turns all sorts of red.