I Do Like The ‘Peace Be With You’ Part…We Should All Do That Everyday On The Street

Last night I went to mass for the first time in years. It was the Feast of the Ascension, and I went with my friend and her mother, where we met up with another friend and her family.

I don’t talk much about religion here, mainly because I feel it’s something that is not only private, but a delicate subject for some people. On the other hand, religion is one of the things that is at the focal point of many of the controversies within the past…oh…forever. Without dialogue, nothing will develop. Also, I talk about what I want, when I want. So here it goes.

Back in high school, I was an avid church goer. Raised Catholic, I was confirmed when I was 15 and became a Peer Leader within a church organization. From then on, I helped run retreats for freshmen and sophomores who were going through their confirmation. Hell, I even worked as an assistant for the parish. Every Sunday I could be seen in the pews, reciting song and prayer along with everyone else. I was also trained as a Eucharistic Minister.

Once I got to college and came out*, things began to change. Not that I wasn’t aware of who or what I was prior to my college experiences, but there was a definite change in my viewpoints. Coming out forced me to take a much more focused look at some of the things that had been a part of me for so long.

*When looking back on things, I always knew I was gay. I just never identified as a gay person. I just happened to be attracted to men. I didn’t realize until much later in my life that this was ‘gay’. Soon thereafter, I had come out to a friend, back during my junior year of high school. However, I consider my official coming out to be when I decided to not be closeted in college.

One of these things was my religion. Now, I’m speaking from a personal experience here, and am by no means speaking for anyone else but myself. Once I began to get a grasp on how my church viewed me as a person, I started to distance myself. It’s painful to be faced with an entire institution who believes you to be a sinner, an abomination, diseased or all of the above and still sit in those same pews as before. If there’s one thing I try to uphold in my life, it’s honesty. Honesty is the thing that I hold as the most pristine of virtues. And to sit in a place that thinks so lowly of me while I still tried to be an active congregate was dishonest to myself.

So over the years, I gradually stopped going to church. It was too hard to sit in those pews that I once sang in and try to ignore the hatred that cemented that building’s wall. I found it hypocritical of them and weak of me.

For me, the church was a few things. It was a place where I could go to think and be at peace. It was a place where I had formed strong, lasting friendships. It was a place where, every Sunday, without fail, I could be sure to see the faces of friends. It was the place where I formed my relationship with God.

Now, I feel differently. As welcoming as the faces are, and as much love as I feel from them while sharing this time with them, the institution itself doesn’t want me there. That’s something I don’t feel I will ever be able to reconcile with. Yet I’m still torn. Catholicism, and more specifically my church, has given me so much in terms of friendships and experiences, it’s hard to completely ignore.

Am I religious? Spiritual? Celestially obsessed? It depends. I believe in a God. I believe that this God is loving, forgiving and understanding. And I believe this God is accepting of everyone. Do I believe all of the things I’ve learned, read and been told concerning God? Not at all. I don’t think the Bible is the word of God. How can it be? There are words in English that can’t even be translated into French, yet I’m to believe the Bible is as perfect as the day God had someone scribble it down? I don’t think anyone can live by the standards of another man. They can only live to the best of their abilities and hope for the best in the end.

When I’m asked about my religion, I get a little divided. Do I say Catholic? I’m certainly not fluent in any other religion, yet I’m not atheist or agnostic. So I’ve created my own religion, which I feel I’m entirely permitted to do. I’m the only member of Johntholicism, as far as I know, and it’s a religion that suits me surprisingly well.